Family Secrets

“There are secrets in all families.”  Jane Austen 

  Did you know that the woman actor Jack Nicholson thought was his sister for over three decades was really his mother? Jack was the illegitimate child of 17-year-old June Nicholson and didn’t learn until he was 37-years-old that June was his biological mother. He thought that she was his sister, and his maternal grandmother, Ethel May, was his mother. Even on their deathbeds, neither June nor Ethel May admitted the truth. Then, Woody Harrelson’s father, Charles, was a convicted hitman. Popular mystery author, Anne Perry, as a girl, was involved in the murder of her friend’s mother. The movie Heavenly Creatures is based on the killing. Most families have at least a few “family secrets.” 

  Maybe you heard about the man who shared with a friend that he’d just spent $25,000.00 digging up his family’s history. His friend was shocked, “$25,000.00! That’s outrageous!” To which his friend confessed, “Well, it only cost $5,000.00 to dig it up but it cost $20,000.00 to bury it again.”

  Family get-togethers like Easter have a way of digging up the buried secrets. For example, there may be a reason Grandpa starts out so cantankerous yet is so happy by the end of the day. Grandpa is a closet alcoholic who takes a nip periodically to get through family events.

  A more common family secret is a family member with some form of addiction. Hiding living with an addict is very stressful. To cope, family members and the family system develop defense mechanisms allowing them to function and avoid exposure. This avoidance though creates a pattern of secret-keeping that only compounds the stress and anxiety.

  The energy it takes to keep an addiction a secret and the isolation it promotes affect the family in many negative ways. If the secret is being kept from the children, they may become confused and frustrated. They know something is wrong yet don’t know what it is. Children can become resentful that their parents don’t trust them with the truth and may develop a lack of trust in themselves and others.

  Extended family may also be confused as to why the addicted loved one skips family functions. The entire family may stop attending those events to avoid uncomfortable questions, further isolating them from needed support. Secret-keeping perpetuates the denial in the individual and family that something is terribly wrong and needs to be addressed.

  Often there is a spouse or a parent who enables. They make excuses to cover for the addict. Family members will keep outsiders at a distance. They don’t want to get too close to someone for fear the truth will be exposed. Outsiders are rarely allowed in the home. Most conversations tend to be surface ones. Those living with family secrets are careful to not share true feelings for fear of exposure. And an almost sure way to become the black sheep of the family is to expose the secret, pulling back the curtains for others to see. Not only will the one with the secret despise the honest family member, but often other family members will turn on them.  

  God’s Word encourages truth. The Bible is a real book with real people and real sinners. One of the key indicators that the Bible is God’s Word is how it exposes the sins and failures of its heroes. Though the Bible is not salacious in the details, there is no cover-up. God knows all of the secrets.

  What should we do if we live or grew up in a family with secrets? First, know that Grace Church is a safe place. We’re just a bunch of messed-up sinners serving a magnificent Savior. We want to extend God’s love, grace, mercy, and healing to you wherever you are at!

  In the Bible though one of the best models on resolving family secrets is found in the life of the patriarch Joseph. You’ll find his powerful life story in Genesis 37-50. Here are some truths we learn from his life.

  God will use every aspect of our lives, even the horrible and painful things that don’t seem to fit to bring about His plan. During his time in slavery in Egypt, Joseph was arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. So, not only was he sold into slavery, but he found himself in an Egyptian prison. Nothing was working out according to plan…or so he thought.

  Sometimes things happen in our lives that seem out of place. We find ourselves thinking, “How could God possibly use this circumstance or difficulty in my life?” The events of Joseph’s life were no accident. God had him right where He needed him to be to fulfill his destiny.

  Even if you find yourself in “prison,” don’t lose hope in God’s promises. What do you suppose was going through Joseph’s head during all of this? Did he lose hope? Feel forgotten by God? Yet God was working all things together for His good (Rom. 8:28). He’d use Joseph’s imprisonment to ultimately shape his life as well as the nation of Israel.  God was with Joseph in that prison and gave him favor with the chief jailer. Joseph was actually put in charge of all the other prisoners!

  Forgiveness is always a part of God’s plan. By the time Joseph encountered his brothers again, he was second in command of Egypt but they didn’t recognize him. It would have been the ideal opportunity for revenge but Joseph did no such thing. He did test them to be sure they’d changed but forgiveness was always in his heart. (Genesis 42-45) Even though they had sold their young brother into slavery (a horrible crime that was little more than a living death), Joseph chose to forgive. He welcomed his entire family back into his life with open arms, and they would move to Egypt to be with him.

  God is always in control, even in the worst parts of our lives. Study Joseph’s life for yourself and you’ll clearly see this. But not only in the life of Joseph. Throughout the pages of Scripture God’s choicest servants – Moses, David, Ruth, Esther, and countless others were those who suffered horribly. God used it and because they had been tested in the fires of life, they were ultimately wonderfully used by Him. Their lives demonstrate God’s ability to transform sorrow into joy and to breathe life into a seemingly dead situation.

  Though it may not look like it, God may be doing that in your life. I know He did it with mine. As someone who grew up in a family of addiction and family secrets, Genesis 50:20 has been an anchor verse in my life. In that verse Joseph is responding to his brothers who’d treated him so horribly, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” Even when it appears horrible, our loving God always means it for good! 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Unfinished Business

“I’m afraid we’ll always be a book with the end pages ripped out.”

Madisen Kuhn

  At age 99, Leo Plass received his college diploma from Eastern Oregon University. He’d stopped working on his teaching degree during the 1930s when he left college to earn an income in the logging industry. Seventy-nine years later, he completed the three credits necessary to graduate and resolve this important unfinished business in his life. Many of us can relate to Leo. Most of us have unfinished business. I know that I do.

  Are you like me? I feel like I can mark a day off in the “win column,” if my “to do” list is down to single digits. I don’t know what I’d do if it was totally cleared. No doubt that’s why Europeans have a saying they use to compare themselves to Americans: “We work to live but Americans live to work.” That describes many of us in a culture that values workaholism. 

  Some unfinished business is inconsequential. Other unfinished business is very important. If left undone, it will leave a lingering sense of regret. We all have them.

  Forty years later I still remember that two weeks before my Mom was killed in a car accident, I’d told her that “I hated her!” Sadly, I never apologized. After she was killed, those were the words that came back to haunt me. Yet, it was too late to ever say I was sorry. While I know that I’m forgiven by God (it’s why Jesus died…to clean up all of our sin messes). And I know that my Mom would not hold it against me. She was one of the most gracious, forgiving individuals I’ve ever known. Yet, it would have been freeing for me to know there was no unfinished business.

  It’s one reason that Scripture gives this warning about anger that we’d all be wise to heed: Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26). Like most couples, Jane and I periodically fight. Yet, we’ve worked very hard in our 35-year marriage to not go to bed angry or to leave each other’s company with harsh words. Life is fragile. None us knows when it will be the last time that we see that person alive.

  If you have unresolved issues with those you love, I’d encourage you, if possible, to resolve any unfinished business. We need to keep short accounts with God when we sin and we need to also keep short accounts with each other when there have been angry words or actions.

  Most of us focus on the wrong list of unfinished business. Sometimes it’s referred to as a “bucket list.” Do you really think that anyone comes to the end of life and are so thankful that they visited Disney World? While it might be nice to see the world, I doubt that they’ll show pictures of you in front of the pyramids or the Colosseum when they put together your last slide show. The next time you’re at a funeral, you’ll find a common theme in all of the pictures – people, lots of people, mostly family and loved ones.

  All of us will have unfinished business. The Bible acknowledges that and gives very valuable instructions that we’d do well to heed when we leave our unfinished business: Prepare for the next generation.

  One of my heroes in Scripture is Joseph. Though Joseph had been a prime minister in Egypt and could have had a pyramid built in his honor. Yet, as he was on his deathbed, he looked forward in faith and instructed that when the Israelites went home to the Promised Land, that they’d take his bones with them. 430 years later when they left Egypt, they did.

  As much as you can, complete business that will help those who follow you to know Christ and have a relationship with Him. That’s what Joseph did. His bones reminded them that God had promised to give them a land, that Egypt was not their home. This world is also not our home. God has a “land” waiting for us. Let’s prepare for the next generation by doing all we can to help them be fixed on and live for the real world.

  Then, as much as we can, we must seek to resolve the unfinished business of broken relationships. Recently, the Lord answered one of my prayers. I had a broken relationship with someone and I wasn’t sure how to go about mending it, but the Lord wonderfully took care of it. It was so fulfilling!

  Some broken relationships aren’t mendable. Scripture acknowledges that. The Bible instructs us though that we’re responsible for taking care of our side of the jagged relationship. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

  Too many times I’ve met individuals with the unfinished business of bitterness. It’s impossible to be bitter and be a healthy Christian. Sometimes bitterness is an indicator that the individual does not truly have a relationship with Christ. That’s the point of the parable of the unforgiving servant found in Matthew 18 and repeated succinctly in Ephesians 4:31-32.

  When one has been forgiven of so much in the Courts of Heaven as every born-again Christian has, how can we rationalize being unforgiving for the wrongs done against us in this life, no matter how heinous they may be?

  We’re all going to leave this life with unfinished business. It’s inevitable. Please though, as much as you possibly can, make sure that there’s no unfinished business in your relationships. Bitterness always takes its greatest toll on the one who carries it.

  Most of all though, please make sure that you have no unfinished business between you and God. God the Father sent His Son to die for us so that the broken relationship between us caused by our sin could be resolved.

  Salvation and God’s forgiveness are a free gift (John 3:16) that God wants to give every person. He wants our business with Him to be finished so He can forgive us and welcome us Home. If you have unresolved business between you and God, please come to Christ’s cross and let God heal your unfinished business with Him once for all. Do it today. None of us assurance of tomorrow. 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

A few good (but not perfect) men...

"A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be." Frank A. Clark 

  More times than I like to think about, I’ve felt that my “Daddy Permit” ought to be revoked. Any Dad who’s honest, I believe, probably feels the same way. What an encouragement the Bible is when it comes to fathers. God’s Word challenges us with Dads in real time, yet paints them as they truly were. It doesn’t sanitize them, creating some unrealistic, idealistic Super Dad, but as real Dads who loved their children, loved God yet still struggled with their own sin nature and shortcomings. It drives me back to the Cross and the Gospel, and the only Father who is perfect.

  One of my favorite quotes that gives me so much hope for my children is from Thomas Fuller, an English churchman and historian. Thomas Fuller was a prolific author, as well as the chaplain to Oliver Cromwell. His powerful insight encourages my heart, that my children will walk closer to the Lord and be more faithful to Him than I have been. He wrote: “Lord, I find the genealogy of my Savior strangely checkered with four remarkable changes in four immediate generations. (1) Rehoboam begat Abijah; that is, a bad father begat a bad son. (2) Abijah begat Asa; that is, a bad father begat a good son. (3) Asa begat Jehoshaphat; that is, a good father a good son. (4) Jehoshaphat begat Joram; that is, a good father a bad son. I see, Lord, from hence that my father's piety cannot be entailed; that is bad news for me. But I see also that actual impiety is not always hereditary; that is good news for my son.”

  Perusing the pages of Scripture, I find some wonderful models of godly fatherhood. Caleb, was a Dad with a vision for the next generation. When nearly everyone else doubted God and were shaking in their sandals, Caleb joined Joshua, in that wonderful do it – “we can do it, we can do it!” Many men are great, yet fail in encouraging greatness in the next generation. Toward the end of his life, Caleb is still claiming new territory and challenging others to do the same, to take great risks and step out on faith. His daughter follows in his steps, claiming unconquered ground in the Promised Land for the glory of God. Too often, we seek to protect our children, essentially handing them their future on a silver platter rather than challenging them to trust God and step out on faith on their own.

  While David was such a disappointment in so many ways, yet when God turned down his holy desire to build a great house for God, David did the next best thing. Though he wasn’t going to be allowed to build a house for the Lord, he prepared the way for his son, Solomon, to honor God. Later when, with all the political intrigue and coups of a Games of Thrones court, a plan was hatched to circumvent Solomon from assuming Israel’s throne after David’s death, David immediately vacated the throne, having Solomon anointed king. He also cleaned up his own messes so that a young Solomon wouldn’t have to deal with the debris from his failures. While we must not fight our children’s battles, we should seek to remove needless impediments out of their way that might dissuade them from following God’s will, and guide them in ways that encourage them to trust Him. 

  Sacrifice, particularly for one’s children seemingly grows rarer among today’s Dads. Weekends are theirs for their hobbies. After work is for “me time.” Though it might put at risk their children’s future, rarely will they slow down their career climb, even if longer hours or a relocation will potentially be a detriment to their child’s spiritual health. Often pastors are the worst violators of this, snatching children out of schools and away from friends who encourage them spiritually, just so that they can take a bigger ministry. Scripture only gives us the briefest glances of Joseph, Jesus’ adopted father. The little that we know of him causes me to admire him. As soon as he knew Jesus was in danger, he doesn’t just get out of town, he leaves the country. He left a new business and friends in the middle of the night for what must have been an unpleasant trek down into Egypt. Even when he returns, rather than going back where it might be easier to start over, he chooses the less ideal town of Nazareth to re-establish himself. A Dad who sacrifices, particularly economically, because it’s in the best interest of his children, is far too rare even in the Church.

  Probably, this one is closer to my heart than others, the Apostle Paul was a man who looked outside of his own blood descendants to make a difference in someone else’s life. Though busy with ministry, Paul invested in the young man, Timothy, adopting him as his own son in the faith. Think how much richer the Church is because of Paul’s love for the Lord that he poured out into Timothy. Many godly men, particularly after their own children are grown, shut their eyes in our fatherless and poor fathering world to have a godly influence on a young man. Yet, such an investment can pay off in huge spiritual dividends. We know too that Paul was single and may have never been married. Yet, this single, very busy man poured his life into a young life for the glory of God. May there be many more in our churches who will follow his example!

  Abraham struggled with fear most of his life, yet was called the “friend of God.” His spiritual priorities challenge me. He wouldn’t even let his long awaited and promised son, Isaac, to come between him and the Lord. He obeyed God, even if meant the sacrifice of his own son. That staggers me. I have to wonder, “Would I do that?” I hope so. I hope that I wouldn’t even let those that I love the most in this world, that I would gladly give my life for, that I wouldn’t even let them come between me and my God. Yet, many a man has become bitter and turned his back on God because he felt God had asked too much when God asked him to “have no other idols before God,” particularly when that idol was his own family. What we think is too great of a sacrifice costs too much when we choose to not trust and obey God. Too often what we think we can’t afford to lose, we lose in a greater way – we lose spiritually, losing that intimate relationship with the Father and our faith, just because we don’t understand God’s plan. 

  No, the Dads in Scripture aren’t perfect and neither are we. Many of them have left a righteous path for us to follow as they followed their Heavenly Father and sought to please Him. They were fathers who were examples for us and we would do well to follow their steps. 

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