Family Secrets

“There are secrets in all families.”  Jane Austen 

  Did you know that the woman actor Jack Nicholson thought was his sister for over three decades was really his mother? Jack was the illegitimate child of 17-year-old June Nicholson and didn’t learn until he was 37-years-old that June was his biological mother. He thought that she was his sister, and his maternal grandmother, Ethel May, was his mother. Even on their deathbeds, neither June nor Ethel May admitted the truth. Then, Woody Harrelson’s father, Charles, was a convicted hitman. Popular mystery author, Anne Perry, as a girl, was involved in the murder of her friend’s mother. The movie Heavenly Creatures is based on the killing. Most families have at least a few “family secrets.” 

  Maybe you heard about the man who shared with a friend that he’d just spent $25,000.00 digging up his family’s history. His friend was shocked, “$25,000.00! That’s outrageous!” To which his friend confessed, “Well, it only cost $5,000.00 to dig it up but it cost $20,000.00 to bury it again.”

  Family get-togethers like Easter have a way of digging up the buried secrets. For example, there may be a reason Grandpa starts out so cantankerous yet is so happy by the end of the day. Grandpa is a closet alcoholic who takes a nip periodically to get through family events.

  A more common family secret is a family member with some form of addiction. Hiding living with an addict is very stressful. To cope, family members and the family system develop defense mechanisms allowing them to function and avoid exposure. This avoidance though creates a pattern of secret-keeping that only compounds the stress and anxiety.

  The energy it takes to keep an addiction a secret and the isolation it promotes affect the family in many negative ways. If the secret is being kept from the children, they may become confused and frustrated. They know something is wrong yet don’t know what it is. Children can become resentful that their parents don’t trust them with the truth and may develop a lack of trust in themselves and others.

  Extended family may also be confused as to why the addicted loved one skips family functions. The entire family may stop attending those events to avoid uncomfortable questions, further isolating them from needed support. Secret-keeping perpetuates the denial in the individual and family that something is terribly wrong and needs to be addressed.

  Often there is a spouse or a parent who enables. They make excuses to cover for the addict. Family members will keep outsiders at a distance. They don’t want to get too close to someone for fear the truth will be exposed. Outsiders are rarely allowed in the home. Most conversations tend to be surface ones. Those living with family secrets are careful to not share true feelings for fear of exposure. And an almost sure way to become the black sheep of the family is to expose the secret, pulling back the curtains for others to see. Not only will the one with the secret despise the honest family member, but often other family members will turn on them.  

  God’s Word encourages truth. The Bible is a real book with real people and real sinners. One of the key indicators that the Bible is God’s Word is how it exposes the sins and failures of its heroes. Though the Bible is not salacious in the details, there is no cover-up. God knows all of the secrets.

  What should we do if we live or grew up in a family with secrets? First, know that Grace Church is a safe place. We’re just a bunch of messed-up sinners serving a magnificent Savior. We want to extend God’s love, grace, mercy, and healing to you wherever you are at!

  In the Bible though one of the best models on resolving family secrets is found in the life of the patriarch Joseph. You’ll find his powerful life story in Genesis 37-50. Here are some truths we learn from his life.

  God will use every aspect of our lives, even the horrible and painful things that don’t seem to fit to bring about His plan. During his time in slavery in Egypt, Joseph was arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. So, not only was he sold into slavery, but he found himself in an Egyptian prison. Nothing was working out according to plan…or so he thought.

  Sometimes things happen in our lives that seem out of place. We find ourselves thinking, “How could God possibly use this circumstance or difficulty in my life?” The events of Joseph’s life were no accident. God had him right where He needed him to be to fulfill his destiny.

  Even if you find yourself in “prison,” don’t lose hope in God’s promises. What do you suppose was going through Joseph’s head during all of this? Did he lose hope? Feel forgotten by God? Yet God was working all things together for His good (Rom. 8:28). He’d use Joseph’s imprisonment to ultimately shape his life as well as the nation of Israel.  God was with Joseph in that prison and gave him favor with the chief jailer. Joseph was actually put in charge of all the other prisoners!

  Forgiveness is always a part of God’s plan. By the time Joseph encountered his brothers again, he was second in command of Egypt but they didn’t recognize him. It would have been the ideal opportunity for revenge but Joseph did no such thing. He did test them to be sure they’d changed but forgiveness was always in his heart. (Genesis 42-45) Even though they had sold their young brother into slavery (a horrible crime that was little more than a living death), Joseph chose to forgive. He welcomed his entire family back into his life with open arms, and they would move to Egypt to be with him.

  God is always in control, even in the worst parts of our lives. Study Joseph’s life for yourself and you’ll clearly see this. But not only in the life of Joseph. Throughout the pages of Scripture God’s choicest servants – Moses, David, Ruth, Esther, and countless others were those who suffered horribly. God used it and because they had been tested in the fires of life, they were ultimately wonderfully used by Him. Their lives demonstrate God’s ability to transform sorrow into joy and to breathe life into a seemingly dead situation.

  Though it may not look like it, God may be doing that in your life. I know He did it with mine. As someone who grew up in a family of addiction and family secrets, Genesis 50:20 has been an anchor verse in my life. In that verse Joseph is responding to his brothers who’d treated him so horribly, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” Even when it appears horrible, our loving God always means it for good! 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.