Church Family: Dancing in the Minefields

 “And we went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed

But I believe that's what the promise is for.” 

                                                                               Andrew Peterson

 As a married couple do you have a song? Did you play it on Valentine’s Day? For Jane and me, it’s always been Could I have this dance for the rest of my life? by Anne Murray.
  When I conduct a wedding, it’s interesting to learn what song the couple feels is a picture of their love for their special day. Often, it’s a recent popular love song about the positive, romantic side of love. Yet, there’s another side of marriage, the dark side. During pre-marital counseling, I include sessions on how to fight a clean fight or working through differences over sex or finances. Frequently, I get starry eyed looks of, “we don’t need this, we won’t have those conflicts” staring back at me.  

  Maybe that’s why I appreciate Andrew Peterson’s song Dancing in the Minefields. It’s a poignant ode to the complexities and challenges of marriage. With a combination of vulnerability, depth, and hope, Peterson explores the realities of navigating the treacherous landscape of marriage. It’s a metaphor for the challenges and risks couples face when committing to a lifelong journey together. Marriage is not always smooth sailing but can often feel like treading through dangerous territory. Yet rather than fearing the obstacles, Peterson encourages embracing the dance amidst the minefields, finding beauty, love, and joy in the midst of the struggles.

  Church relationships are like that too. A church isn’t a religious social club, it’s a family. Yet, as a family of brothers and sisters in Christ, there’s some Dancing in the Minefields. Too often we forget that a church is made up of redeemed sinners. The ideal won’t happen until we get Home.   

  Today we’re celebrating our 6^th Anniversary in this building. God has been so good to us! You’re sitting in a “miracle.” God’s hand was here and so evident providing all along the way from purchasing the land to our first service in this facility. We never want to forget His goodness to us! We want to unite together in praising God for all that He has done for us and how He has so wonderfully blessed us on this 6^th Anniversary!

  Yet, in a church family we must also remember that as in a marriage, we’re all sinners saved by grace. Sometimes we’re so focused on the “grace,” we forget the “sinners” side. A local church is made up of redeemed sinners, yet the completeness of our redemption won’t happen until heaven. Until then we all struggle with our sinful minefields. Family is messy, even the family of God. We say the wrong thing. We get on each other’s nerves. We disagree, get offended and even become angry, but if we will submit to King Jesus, we’ll grow in grace through it, grow closer to Him and each other. 

  God uses conflict to open our eyes to our blind spots to help us grow to be more like Jesus. Yet, too often conflicts (even small ones) instead of encouraging Christlike growth result in some believers exiting rather than problem-solving. The church isn’t seen as a family but as a “spiritual retail outlet.” So, if you’re not getting the service that you feel you deserve, you go shopping for another one. Yet, the next church has redeemed sinners too and we often carry the same unresolved baggage from our last church into our new one. It’s so much better to biblically problem-solve, grow in grace and persevere. Our goal is not to be “nice Christians” who fake love. Our goal is to be authentic and like Jesus. That will take us the rest of our lives.

  God will never give us a beautiful, flaw free dance. He has something so much better. He wants our love for each other to deepen through conflict and even pain. As we grow closer to Him, we’ll grow closer to each other.

  As in a healthy marriage, to grow more like Jesus requires two attitudes – selflessness and sacrifice. Most conflict arises because those are missing. Can you imagine a couple having a fight because they’re too selfless and sacrificial? As you’ll never be happy in a marriage, if you approach it with, What’s in it for me? The same is true of a church. And if you don’t get this, you’ll soon be heading down the road looking for that next church that will fulfill your desire for – What’s in it for me?

  As a healthy marriage takes two hosts, the same is true of a healthy church, multiple ones. To be fulfilled in Christ’s Church, you must come as a servant. We are saved to serve (Ephesians 2:10). Isn’t that the example that Jesus gave us as He washed His disciples’ feet? Unhappy Christians don’t serve but sit and complain. So, I have a few challenges for us before our next Anniversary. 

  Let’s stop playing it safe. This past week I had the privilege of talking with our J.O.Y. ministry. I challenged them to break out of their safe circles of befriending and hanging with those like them and in the same age bracket. Seniors need friendships with young people, not just other seniors.

  The same is true for all of us. Are your friends all pretty much like you? Same age, family and social status? That’s not a biblical model. A church family is diverse, not just in its make-up, it’s diverse in its friendships. The Christian life isn’t about being safe. You won’t grow in grace if you only stay in the same “safe” friendships.

  Lower your expectations of others. When we walk in a church, we know that we’re sinners. We know that we recently had a fight with our spouse or complained about something. Yet, we don’t want others to be sinners…but they are. That doesn’t mean we settle for mediocrity. It does mean that we show God’s grace to others just as we want them to show it to us.  

  Spend daily time with God. If you don’t regularly spend time with the Father, you’re not going to like His family. It’s difficult to worship together if we’re not on the same page spiritually. It’s amazing how daily time with the Lord in His Word and in prayer changes your outlook.

  Continually grow in gratitude. A believer should be the most grateful person. We know what we deserve. Yet not only have we been rescued from Hell, we also have Heaven waiting for us and innumerable blessings from the Father in our journey through this life. So, develop the habit of counting your blessings. Be thankful for your brothers and sisters in Christ, even the ones who annoy you a little. Grow in grace and gratitude.

  Healthy church relationships are like dancing in the minefield, yet as we learn to dance, we grow more in His likeness and know more of His joy! 

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

The Story of Us

 “Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Till death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise – the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.”  John Piper 

I never imagined on a hot summer day on July 2, 1983, that Jane and I would someday be married for forty years. Please understand. We meant our vows, “till death do us part,” yet when you’re in your twenties, imagining what life and marriage will be like in your sixties is a bit like dreaming about space travel.
  We don’t have a perfect marriage and have had our share of marital storms. We know full well that we’re both sinners and desperately in need of God’s grace and will be to our last breath. There are some things though that we’ve learned in four decades together. Maybe they will help you in your own marital journey.
  A healthy marriage has two hosts. Jane and I dated once in college and then found each other again after she had graduated and was teaching in the Chicago suburbs. I’d left college and was saving money to return and finish by doing commercial roofing…in Chicago. We reconnected and like most couples, we bent over backwards for each other. We were perfect hosts, working to continually please the other because that’s what a host does.
  But when you’re a guest at a hotel, you don’t make the bed or hang up wet towels. Marriages deteriorate when spouses become guests, not hosts. They expect to be served rather than to serve. Hosts even talk differently to guests than guests do to hosts. Don’t hate me…but I don’t like cats yet I wouldn’t talk to a stray cat the way that some spouses speak to each other.
  Opposites attract and that’s a blessing. Jane is from Michigan, I’m from Atlanta. She grew up in the country and had a mile-long driveway. I grew up in the city. Jane is an extrovert and loves meeting new people. I’m an introvert and can feel drained by being with people. Jane loves a very planned life and schedule. I’m spontaneous and am more of a “go with the flow” type. Jane is time oriented and rarely late. I’m event-oriented, which simply means that I don’t move on to the next thing until the present one is done. I think that the last time that I was early was for our wedding. Yet, rather than these becoming sources of irritation, they’ve become what Scripture calls “iron sharpening iron,” helping us both grow.
  What originally attracted you is still there. If most couples would take a step back, they’d find that what irritates them about their spouse is about five or ten percent of the marriage. 90% though is fantastic! But what do they focus on – that small percentage. And frequently what drives them crazy are the very things that originally attracted them. For example, one of the things that attracted me to Jane is that she is so kind. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was in business, I was nicknamed “the butt kicker.” Yet I’m not sure I’ve seen Jane angry more than five times in forty years and none of them (amazingly so) were at me. Jane was originally attracted to my assertiveness but there were times that my assertiveness embarrassed her. Thankfully we’ve both grown in grace, yet those same traits are still there. Instead of being annoyances, they’ve become traits of gratitude.
  If you fight, keep it clean. Periodically, a couple will tell you that they never fight. Mark it down – they’re either lying, very boring, or highly medicated. Disagreements and fights help us grow. But in forty years the word “divorce” has never been used by either of us, even as a joke. My mentor, Dad Cummins, taught us that. Dad married us and did our pre-marital counseling. Most of us fight like our parents did instead of biblically. They were our greatest teachers of what marriage was like for the first years of life. My Dad was a rageaholic, interestingly, so was his Dad. Jane and I have learned to keep it toned down. It’s hard to get very angry when you talk softly. You must also avoid becoming “historical.” In the midst of the conflict, it’s tempting to bring up past grievances that have nothing to do with the present issue for extra ammo. Then, keeping it private is vital. Other than our children, very few know that we’ve had any disagreements. But some couples take pleasure in airing their dirty laundry, looking for allies. They do pay back when they have an audience to shame their mate. God’s Word commands us to not “let the sun go down on our anger” (Ephesians 4:26). A healthy marriage keeps it cleaned up. That means it’s wrong to hold grudges or pull off some ongoing silent treatment.
  Have a united front. Too often when a couple is having issues, they think that the solution is to have a baby. It’s not. Children are the great dividers. Because we tend to believe the way that we were raised is the best one, children learn early to play Mom and Dad against each other. Parents will disagree on parenting styles, just do it privately, not in front of your children. The same is true with marital disagreements, like in-laws or holidays. Stay united and keep disagreements private.  
  When you draw closer to the God of love, you’ll draw closer to each other. Do you know what the percentage of divorce is for a couple who prays together? Less than 10%. That’s one reason the Bible teaches that Christians must marry Christians. You can’t pray together if you don’t have the same Heavenly Father. A personal devotional life is essential to a healthy marriage. As we individually spend time in God’s Word and in prayer, we love God more. In love, He corrects us, which is often in how we’ve wronged someone, frequently our spouse. Think of it as a triangle with God at the peak and you and your spouse at the far angles. As you move closer to God, you’re moving closer to each other.
  There’s a lot more. The bottom line is that both Jane and I believe that based on Scripture believers should have the happiest and most fulfilled marriages. That’s because we have resources lost folk don’t have – the Holy Spirit indwelling us, God’s Word guiding us and a local church family encouraging us! Forty years ago we said, “till death do us part.” We meant it and we’d do it all over again, yet it’s all by God’s grace!!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.