Walking with someone through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

 

“Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists.”  Antonio Porchia

  The average American experiences a personal loss of someone in their immediate family only every 15 to 20 years. Think back on anything else that you experienced just once in a fifteen years period. Now add trauma, hurt, shock, pain, tears…a level of grief nearly beyond words. Anyone who thinks they’re ready for the pain of loss is deluded. The waves of various emotions that transpire in one's own heart are nearly impossible to voice.  

  Yet, for some reason, particularly when it comes to grief, Americans have often bought into a “just get over it” or “let the healing begin” mentality. Perhaps it's because we have a pill or program for nearly everything. When it comes to grief, there is no magic pill or transforming program. Grief is like major surgery. The best healer is time and it usually takes lots of it. With a healthy approach to grief, pain lessens over time but I don't think it's ever quite gone. And would we really want it to be? I lost my Mom over forty years ago and I still miss her. I'm not depressed about it, but I miss her and so look forward to seeing her again. Perhaps, that's one reason the Bible tells us that in heaven, God will wipe away all of our tears.

  Yet, it seems today that there are complications previous generations didn't typically have to deal with. Because of the fragmentation and frequently, the disintegration of the family, at least of a traditional family with a Dad and Mom married to the same partner for life. Add to that, there are often siblings or even half-siblings who the parents have sometimes sought and sometimes not, to cobble together into some sense of a "family." Prior to the loss, there’s often anger, hurt, bitterness and other unresolved issues. Add in substance abuse, cohabitation…a divorce or two and it's a potential recipe for an unmitigated disaster.

  So how is a Christian to be a Christian in the midst of the changing morass of complicated family relationships, yet also dealing with the tragedy of loss and grief? I don't believe that there are black and white answers, nor do I feel like I am an expert. Yet, I believe there are some valuable and general principles to help each of us be Jesus in a hurting world and act Christ-like as we navigate these unchartered waters.

  First, just go. Sometimes that's impossible. Yet, if at all possible, go to the visitation, go to the funeral. Just your presence will have a healing effect. It may be a fog for the ones most hurting, yet they will often remember you came. Our culture moves at a frenetic pace but you can’t touch someone who’s hurting in a hurry. There may be jagged feelings. Perhaps, you’re not only dealing with your own sense of loss, you find that you feel tense…even a pit in your stomach at the thought of interacting where has been personal pain or unresolved issues. Still go. There’s something about loss though that heals old wounds and draws us together.

  Fewer words are usually better. Just because you’re there, doesn’t mean that you have to say "just the right thing." Some of us can't handle silence. It makes us uncomfortable, yet, it's usually better to say less than more in times of grief. What the one most hurting needs is your presence. Just the fact you are there and that you care speaks volumes.

  Be proactive. Grief shocks us. We find we’re unable to think, concentrate, even function. Those who are normally competent and problem-solvers may feel paralyzed. This can be a time to offer to help with the basics, simple things like washing dishes, making a meal, or picking up groceries.

  I've found being a channel of communication is always appreciated. The one who’s feeling the greatest sense of loss often has difficulty making those dreaded yet necessary phone calls. They find they have little control over their emotions and each repetition of the loss can feel like they’re going through heart surgery again and again. It's better too if someone learns of the death of a friend or loved one more than once, rather than assuming they must surely know. It's amazing that with our countless means of communication there are so many glitches in our communication.

  If you know someone is close, personal communication is best, not e-mail or Facebook. Tragic news needs to shared tenderly, clearly and carefully. It's also unwise to conjecture or hypothesize. Stick with what you know are facts. If you’re on the receiving end, be careful about asking unnecessary questions. With the recent loss of my brother, someone who was at best a distant friend, asked very pointedly, "How did he die?" What did it matter?

  Add to that, there’s often a sense of false guilt. It may be with a loss like my brother's, something to the effect, "He said he wasn't feeling good, I should have insisted that he go to the doctor." But my brother was nearly seventy and was fully capable of either taking himself to the doctor or insisting that someone take him.

  Be a peace-maker. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peace-makers” (Matt. 5:9). If there are broken relationships you’re aware of, seek to be a bridge builder. Remember and help others to remember the good. Seek to carefully bring people together. The person is gone. Most hurts and unresolved issues need to go with them. It's a time to remember the good and best, not drag up the worst.

  Finally, be prepared yourself. Sudden, tragic death is a reality. Would your loved ones know your wishes? If unsaved family members will be making your final arrangements, be very clear. Your funeral will be your last opportunity to share the Gospel. Do they know where important papers are? Is your life insurance, will, etc. up to date? The recent loss of my brother was a warning for Jane and I that we need to take care of a few important items.

  If you have a terminal illness, don't wait until you’re too weak or medicated to have those important conversations and make important decisions. Solve potential issues of conflict while you’re alive, rather than leaving your loved ones to guess or worse, squabble when you’re gone. If there’s tension between your loved ones now, it will only devolve when you’re no longer around to umpire. So please make those important decisions now so there aren’t potential landmines later.  

  The Bible continually warns us to be prepared for inevitable death. Are you? Is there someone you can reach out to that is going through these stages of grief? Let's be Jesus to each other.