A Christ-follower with a limp: teens

Sunday, August 28, 2022

No Bullies

Another school year is starting. For many students, it can be very exciting and challenging. For others, it can be filled with anxiety and trepidation. Many of us remember the cruelty of fellow students. I know that I do. Yet, every student can make a difference for good in another student’s life as the following story illustrates.

At the end of last year, a 12-year-old Colorado student left school heartbroken after going home with an unsigned yearbook. Brody Ridder struggled to make friends all year at school. He was bullied, teased…you name it, it's happened to him. Brody tried to put himself out there to make friends. He’d get kids' phone numbers to try to text them, but they’d never respond to him. Or they'd say, “I don't want to talk to you.”

At the end of May, students were given their yearbooks. While many students went home with signatures and kind notes, Brody’s yearbook remained virtually empty. When he got home, he became emotional and started to tear up, his mom shared. His classmates told him that they were too busy and that he wasn't important. And then, when she looked through the book, she recalled seeing two names. There were no notes beside them, either, she said. But that's not all. “I saw that Brody had signed it himself. And he wrote: ‘I hope you make some friends,’ It really broke my heart.”

His Mom, Cassandra, shared her son’s heartbreak on social media and then it went viral. Brody began getting an overwhelming number of encouraging notes from people around the world. Individuals from all walks of life wrote him letters, reassuring him that he isn't the only one who’s struggled with bullying. Over the course of several weeks, hundreds of letters written in various languages filled the Ridders’ mailbox. People not only offered advice and words of encouragement. They shared their own personal experiences with bullying. They came from all ages. One was from a 3-year-old who told his mom what to write. But wait, there’s more.

Several parents from Brody’s school messaged her. They asked her what class Brody was in, so their kids could stop by and say hello on the last day of school. Before Brody left for the last day of school, Cassandra reminded him that "Ridders aren’t quitters" and handed him his yearbook. On May 24^th, during the school's end-of-year celebration, dozens of students from other grades lined up to sign this young man’s yearbook and send him off with warm messages for the summer. But wait, there’s more.

Somehow actor, Paul Rudd of Ant-Man fame heard of Brody’s plight and sent the 12-year-old a gift. At the time of the article Brody had already gotten at least 600 letters, and they were still coming. His Mom said, “I cry with the majority of them I read because these people are just…they relate. They've been through it, too.” She plans to make a book out of all the letters one day so whenever Brody is having a tough day, he can pull out it out for some encouragement. And when in doubt, he also has Ant-Man’s personal phone number too.

For many students, bullying is an everyday issue that they have to deal with at school. According to the American Medical Association, by the time students finish school, nearly half of students have been bullied at one point or another.

What is bullying? People usually know what bullying is when they see it, but sometimes it’s hard to put it into words. Researchers who study bullying cite three common characteristics of what makes an act bullying: It’s intentional and tries to cause harm or distress to the victim. It occurs between two students who have different degrees of power. It happens repeatedly over a period of time.

In a sin-contaminated world bullying is a sad reality. Yet, Christians are to be the difference makers in this depraved world. We need to model and then encourage our children to be difference makers.

Cruelty and bullying will continue and even increase if Christian students are more concerned about being accepted or popular than doing what is right and pleasing the Lord. Fear and apathy are fertile soil for meanness. Jesus has called us to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).

But what if your child is the one being bullied? First, realize that there are no accidents with God and He has allowed this to happen. On some level, many of the heroes in Scripture were bullied from Joseph to David, even the Lord Jesus. God uses uncomfortable and even suffering for our good. Joseph would never have been the man of God he became apart from his terrible suffering. Every child needs to learn to persevere even in difficulty. They also need to learn to stand up for themselves. These are life skills and character traits that they will need for the rest of their lives.

Then, ask questions. Choose to respond biblically and wisely. Sometimes a child (or a parent) is overly sensitive. Sometimes the child is part of the problem. They are giving it out and are surprised when they are receiving return fire, even to a greater extent than they gave out.

If you need to, do some research. Pray for wisdom and then inquire with those in authority over your child (a teacher or coach) for their perspective. Attempt to problem-solve. Yet, if you need to, depending on the situation move your child to a different class or team. Most schools and teachers do much better at stopping bullying than in the past.

Encourage your child to be a Good Samaritan.” Luke 10:25-37 has Jesus’ wonderful story of what it means to love your neighbor, even at risk. Your child is going to see other children being bullied. Just as you as an adult would, encourage them to reach out to those being bullied. One of the best ways they can do this is to befriend them and invite them to hang out with them. It’s an opportunity to be Jesus by making someone else feel loved, accepted, and less alone. It also acts as a deterrent to bullying. Bullies are much less likely to pick on someone if they are in a group of friends than if they’re alone. Another helpful thing they can do is comfort and encourage them. Even little things like spending time with them and including them make a much bigger difference than any of us realize.

In a cruel world walk through the life of Jesus with your child and note how many times Jesus reached out to the ones that others rejected like Zacchaeus or the woman at the well. While we can’t solve all of the world’s problems, we can all make a difference in our own world. It’s what the Lord has called us to do. Determine to make a difference in the life of the next Brody Ridder.

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Joy of Parenting a Teen!

“Myths which are believed in tend to become true.”

George Orwell

It’s not surprising that non-Christians believe this myth. After all, the Bible isn’t the foundation for their worldview. Yet, it’s surprising and saddening that, at least by listening to what’s said, most Christians are contaminated by Ad Populum. What’s Ad Populum? It’s a logical fallacy that attempts to prove an argument as correct simply because many people believe it to be so. It’s that McDonald’s sign which says, “Billions and billions served.” The underlying assumption is that if so many people eat McDonald’s, McDonald’s must be really good. Another would be that since over 60% of Americans believe in aliens, obviously there are aliens.

An Ad Populum that’s made its way into the Church is that raising teens is very hard and teenagers are very difficult. It’s simply not true. Some are and some aren’t. The thinking that bad teen years is inescapable is a myth and those who believe it are ignorant of Scripture.

Some of the greatest heroes and heroines in Scripture were teens: David (1 Samuel 17); Joseph (Genesis 37); An unnamed slave girl (2 Kings 5); Daniel and his friends (Daniel 1); Mary the Mother of Jesus (Luke 1).

Paul wrote to Timothy, “Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). While it’s true that raising teens can be challenging, yet aren’t most things that are worthwhile challenging if they are going to be rewarding? Some of my most fulfilling friendships today began when an individual was a teen. Yet, to be successful you must have the right tools. What do you need to parent a teen?

A soft tongue. Teens are transitioning from childhood to adulthood. In spite of the bravado, they’re very insecure. Other teens can be very cruel. So, they need affirmation and lots of it. Praise though what you want to encourage. A godless world is enamored with ability and appearance. Our loving heavenly Father rewards character. Praise what God loves!

Teens also need soft answers when they spout sharp words, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).

A thick skin. Because they lack maturity, wisdom and discernment – a teen often says the first thing that pops in their head. That’s not a sign of wisdom. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs” (NLT). Can you imagine driving through Chicago traffic and every time someone changed lanes without turning on their signal, you laid on your horn? (Hopefully, none of you do that). Have you ever had a boss who nit-picked your every misstep? Remember how frustrating it was? So, choose your battles.

While in your face disrespect shouldn’t be tolerated, and not only because it’s a sin, it’s a pattern that will hurt a future with an employer. This is where parents, particularly a godly Dad, can make a difference. I once told one of our then teen children, “Do not talk to my wife like that.”

A strong backbone. Anything worthwhile takes effort and the endurance of pain. Every Olympic Gold Medalist has learned to live with the pain. The way to endure with the sometimes painfulness of raising a teen is to keep the finish line in view. You’re raising the future parent of your grandchildren, someone’s spouse and employee.

For example, if you wise off to the boss or don’t do your job, you’re terminated. You don’t get a paycheck for showing up. So, why should a parent supply a cell phone, new clothes, even wash them, give a ride or money to someone who mistreats them? Sadly, we’ve all seen the outcome of teens who weren’t “forced” to go to church or youth activities. They’re not allowed to skip school, so they get the message on which is more important. Which one though can make a difference in life and eternity?

A kind heart. Teens are often corrected for their attitudes. Yet, many parents have simmering bitterness toward a teen that’s made life difficult. They may find themselves comparing their children with their other children or with other people’s children who seem better behaved.

Sometimes the comparing is used as a weapon in an attempt to motivate a teen to alter the behavior (it doesn’t work). Besides, the reason Ralph isn’t more like Matilda is because God didn’t make Ralph that way.

Yet, how often is our own attitude sinful? We can be arrogant, angry, and apathetic (that’s just the “A’s). But our Heavenly Father is continually kind to us. I’m so thankful that He doesn’t give us what we deserve. Yes, He corrects us because He loves us (Hebrews 12:5-7). He’s not upset at us when we sin because we make His life difficult, make Him look bad or inconvenience Him. No, God knows how deadly sin is to us.

Calloused knees. The One who can change our teen’s heart is the One who gave them life. One of the blessings of being a parent is that God uses those parenting years to grow your prayer life and dependence on Him.

One of the first prayers that we must pray is not to change them – it’s, “Lord, please change me. What do you want me to learn from this?” God uses the heat of relationships to grow and sanctify us. If you have a heavy heart or feel anger bubbling inside, share it with the One who truly understands and loves both you and your teen. Scripture promises, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

Things may not turn out well for your teen. Each one has an independent will. The most important question isn’t, “What about my teen?” but “Who does God want me to be? How can I glorify Him in my parenting?”