Never Bad Mouth Your Spouse

 

“Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but words will break our hearts.” Robert Fulghum

 

When I see this, it grieves me…the harsh way some married couples talk to each other. Best-selling author, Shaunti Feldhahn, shares this experience:
  I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate we’re going to miss the show with the kids.” Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.” “Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”

  Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing — not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone. I found myself thinking, “Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?” Later when I finished a major research study to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement part wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
  Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but this year instead of going on a big date, buying flowers or some special gift – do something that can transform your marriage – Change how you talk to your spouse!
  The Bible says a lot about how we talk. It’s amazing how our conversation with our spouse changes if someone is present that we’d be embarrassed if they heard our normal conversations. Too many of us, after we’ve been married a few years, fall into destructive ruts of how we talk to each other. “To love and cherish” is a lifetime commitment. We used to talk kindly when we were dating, but we’ve forgotten – and it costs us.
  Someone is probably reading this thinking, “I talk to them the way that they talk to me” or “I’ll change, if they change.” But God holds each of us accountable for ourselves. The vital questions are: Who does God want me to be in this marriage? Am I pleasing the One who died for me? Would you talk that way if you knew that Jesus was listening…because He is.
  Kindness in the way we talk is an overflow of a heart of love that seeks the good of the other. Too many marriages sound like a comic sitcom. Many speak nicer to their pet. Please know that I’m a fellow-sinner here. I’m ashamed of how I’ve spoken to Jane at times and am so thankful that God is the God of grace and forgiveness. Let me share some negatives and positives on marital communication.   
  Never use derogatory names. When I was a child, if I said certain words my mother would wash my mouth out with soap. Obscene names for your spouse are evil. So, are derogatory terms like stupid, dummy or idiot. She’s not your “old lady” and he’s not your “old man.”
  Kill the Sarcasm. If you want to improve your marriage, kill sarcasm. Sarcasm is hostility disguised as humor. Despite smiling outwardly, the victim of sarcastic comments feels put down. The origin of the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” Its why sarcasm is often preceded by the word “cutting.” Sarcasm cuts and hurts.
  Watch your tone, volume and speed of your words. Kindness has a tone. Cruelty and harshness also have one, a bad one. Have you ever noticed that angry people are usually loud? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Then, slow it down. Listen to lovers talking. They speak very carefully and slowly with each other. It’s hard to speak lovingly when your words are coming out rapid fire like a machine gun. So, how should we talk to our spouse?
   Listen first. James 1:19 says, “let every person be quick to hear.” Most of us need to learn to truly listen. Often one spouse talks or processes slower than the other and their mate grows impatient. So, never finish someone else’s sentence. Listen to understand, not to think about what you’re going to say next. Understanding requires the same definitions. For example, when Jane and I were first married, vacation meant something totally different to each of us. Jane’s family often went camping. I hate camping. For me, roughing it was going to a hotel and the hot water didn’t work.  

  Speak relationally. Many couples think they communicate but they only share information, like who’s picking up the kids or what they need from the store…and then frequently by text. In a relational conversation we share our heart. We share wants, dreams, hurts, fears, likes, and dislikes. We’re safe with each other and those conversations can bring insight and even healing. Oftentimes we’ve been beaten up by this world. It’s our mate who can share God’s grace when we’re hurting. As Jack Miller said, “God’s grace flows downhill to the low places, not uphill to the put-together places.” And shouldn’t the number one person that you’re praying for be your spouse? Do you ever ask them, “How can I pray for you?”
  Listen for the nonverbal cues. This takes time. You can tell when a couple has been married a few years and are still in love. They can hear each other’s unspoken words. A look, a facial expression, even a small sigh can speak volumes. Lovers hear the unspoken words.
  Have your own language. Jane and I have words that are associated with funny memories that just the word will either bring a smile or a burst of laughter. She’s the only one who calls me “Honey.” Sometimes a waitress will call me as a customer, “Honey.” For me that’s a special word. It just doesn’t fit when anyone else besides Jane calls me that.
  Healthy marital communication won’t just happen. It takes work. It takes God’s love and grace flowing through us but it’s so worth it!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

 

 

God-Talk in God's Family

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.”  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

  Does your family have a story? Nearly every family does. Our family loves to spend time together just talking. Sometimes it’s serious. Many times we’re giggling or laughing. Lots of times we reflect on funny stories from the past. There are stories and “key” words only we understand. For example, all five of us know what “pudding” means and it’s not a dessert.

  These family stories make us who we are and draw us closer to each other. Someday we’ll pass on many of these wonderful stories to our grandchildren. They’re the heartfelt conversations which make us unique and who we are. Your family probably has them too.

  God’s plan is for each local church to be a family. Sadly, we’ve veered from that, particularly in America. Often the local church is more like a business, a religious franchise. It’s not what God designed us for.

  Anyone studying the New Testament quickly realizes God planned for the local church to be a family. It’s one reason why we believe joining a local church is biblical. It’s very hard to be a “family” when you’re uncertain of who’s really in the family or who’s committed to it.

  It struck me recently we’re missing out on something when we’re together we can’t have out there – family conversations. Jesus designed us to be a Christian counterculture. Our conversations with each other when we gather to worship and fellowship should be different than nearly any other place. Have you ever noticed though, when we’re with our brothers and sisters in Christ, we talk about nearly everything else but family matters? Shouldn’t spiritual family conversations dominate our dialogue, rather than be the exception? Our times together are opportunities for us to fulfill those powerful “one another” commands in the New Testament?

  Some conversations shouldn’t take place though in a church family. They’re story and “one another” killers. Let me touch on a few.

  Whining/complaining. Whining kills communication and God hates whining. It cost the Children of Israel 40 years of wandering. Most churches have far too much of it. It’s usually over miniscule things: room temperature, music, seating, refreshments, minor annoyances, volume, etc.

  Sarcasm. Our culture is verbally cruel. Sometimes at church the pagan language of digs, put-downs or cuts is used. It’s wrong and it’s sin.

  Politics. When it comes to biblical values, there’s very little difference between the political parties. It’s primarily a philosophy of government. The only biblical form of government is a Theocracy, which was for Israel and won’t happen again until King Jesus returns. To cause Kingdom division over human government is a violation of Galatians 3:28.

  Business. Jesus cast the moneychangers out of the Temple. Yet, Americans are so “business” focused, it dominates our conversations, even in church. In a day of cell phones and e-mail, let’s work to keep the main thing the main thing – Jesus and His family.

  Just a side note here, as plans for our new facility continue to develop, it’s tempting to focus on style, costs, etc…and talk about it a lot. This new facility is not the church, WE are. It’s merely a tool to help us serve King Jesus. Most conversations about it should go something like this, “Isn’t it exciting what God is doing? How can we pray more wisely?”

  What are some family conversations we should be having lots of? There are many, let me just touch on a few. All of these find their heart with first loving each other, as Jesus commanded us to do, John 13:34-35.

  We must encourage each other. If you and I do not encourage one another, where else is encouragement going to take place? Each week many come in battered and bruised for a myriad of reasons. For some in our church family, this is their safe place. Look for ways to encourage others, particularly spiritually encouragement, 1 Thessalonians 5:11.

  We must pray for and with each other. Nothing so thrills my heart than to see folk gathered together praying for each other. Perhaps someone shared a special burden or need. Brothers and sisters stopped right there and prayed with them. Where else can we do that? If you do that at Walmart or the Packer’s game, people will think you’re a wacko.

  We must be kind to each other. Do you look for kind things to say to others? Do you ask how things are going so you can pray for them more intelligently? Do they know you care? Do you? Do you know what burdens or blessings they have? We’re to be kind to each other, Ephesians 4:32.

  We must admonish each other. Isn’t this odd? It’s not strange at church to ask someone how work is going or how their kids are doing, even if they’ve lost weight. Yet, somehow it’s weird to ask: What is God teaching you these days? What are you learning from His Word? We need to admonish each other, Colossians 3:16.

  We must forgive each other. You’re not a Christian unless you’ve been forgiven. Each of us has been forgiven horrible crimes against God. Yet, many of the “forgiven” carry smoldering cinders of bitterness, often for years, toward other believers. We must forgive each other, Ephesians 4:32.

  How can we grow in this area? How do we start making spiritual church family conversations “normal”? It’s simple – just start. Perhaps begin sharing one on one something the Lord is teaching you or something you need prayer for, or some special blessing the Lord has given you.

  This is new, so baby steps are best. Here are some questions to consider: What’s your most important spiritual goal right now? What’s something you believe from the Bible without any doubts? What book of the Bible has had a great influence on you? If God granted you any one request, what would it be? What would you most like people to remember you for after you die? What are the biggest questions you have about your relationship with God? What’s something you’re thankful for in your life right now?

  If there is one place for God-talk, it’s when you’re with God’s family!


Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed mine in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.