Keeping the Old New

 

“Endurance is a key indicator of spiritual fitness.” Alistair Begg

Did you ever have a song that you loved when it first came out but then it was so overplayed, you changed the radio station when it came on? How about one of those commercials that was hilarious the first time you saw it but when it was played over and over, it drove you crazy? Maybe there was a new car style that was so unique and different at first, but then it seemed like everyone was buying one, so it just became “another car”?
  Many things are wonderful when they’re new – new paint, new hairstyle, new recipe, new restaurant, new friend – but soon they’re no longer…new.
  Marriage as God designed it is probably one of the best examples of this. When you’re first married, everything is new. It’s exciting! It’s thrilling. It’s the Honeymoon. Yet sooner or later—the newness wears off. Maybe the spark that started the relationship or the fire that was burning in the early years of marriage, begins to fizzle.
  The Bible compares the Christian life to a marriage. Like a marriage, becoming a Christian is a commitment. It requires repentance, submission, and transformation. Repentance involves confessing our sins and turning from them. Submission means accepting that we can’t save ourselves and totally need Jesus as our Savior. Transformation happens as we allow God’s Spirit to change us from the inside out.
  When you become a Christian, everything is new. It’s hard to describe the ecstasy of surrendering your life to Jesus, of having the guilt lifted off of your heart. You have a new purpose, plan, and desires. As Billy Graham said, “Being a Christian is more than just an instantaneous conversion – it is a daily process whereby you grow to be more and more like Christ.”
  Many things happen at the moment of salvation but two are very noticeable and significant. You have a new friend dwelling inside you – the Holy Spirit. Just as you could not save yourself, you can’t live the Christian life on your own. The Holy Spirit is your 24/7 companion, the source of spiritual power, and the One who cultivates spiritual growth in your life. His transformative power will continue throughout your lifetime as you strive towards loving Jesus more, loving others more and becoming more like Jesus. Literally, when you become a Christian, everything becomes new. It’s a life-changing decision that sets you on a path toward abundant life now and eternal life with Christ in heaven in the future.
  But then you got a new enemy that you never had before. Before you were on Satan’s side, part of his doomed crew. Now you’re part of God’s forever family. As Satan hates God, he now hates you. You’re his enemy!
  You became a Christian when you trusted God and His Word. One of Satan’s greatest attacks is to cause you to doubt and to stop trusting God. Sorrow, pain, loss, and injustice are part of life. Often, they take on a new intensity for a Christian as Satan heats up his assaults. He’ll whisper in your heart that “if God really loved you, He wouldn’t let you go through this.” It sometimes seems the most diabolical individuals have lives of ease. The author of Psalm 73 experienced that and began to doubt God but turned back to God in the end.
  Temptation is one of Satan’s main weapons. It takes many different forms that fit with our soft spots. With some he’ll tempt with sins of the flesh like immorality, pleasure-seeking, or destructive habits. If those don’t work, he’ll tempt with sins of the heart like evil thoughts, wrong motives, anger, pride, jealousy, or bitterness. Or he’ll attack us spiritually by seeking to fill us with doubts, convincing us that God doesn’t care, filling us with fear, anxiety, or despair. One of his greatest attacks is very subtle – he just keeps us busy, so busy that we’re distracted from the real world. Temporal things become huge; the eternal becomes increasingly insignificant.
  When Satan attacks you, it’s his ploy to turn you away from God. To win over him you must combat his lies with the truth of God’s Word, with prayer, and the help of other believers. The Bible says, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
  How do you keep your Christian life fresh? It’s the same thing that you do to keep a marriage fresh – you keep dating! Any couple having marital problems will share that a core issue is a lack of communication. 
  If you do not regularly read your Bible, your Christian life will stagnate. If something is important to us, it’s a priority. Make Bible reading a part of your daily routine. It helps you be consistent and grow in your faith. Find a time and place where you can read a Bible passage without distractions.
  If you do not regularly find time for prayer, your Christian life will stagnate. When we read our Bibles, God speaks to us. But it’s to be a two-way conversation. Through prayer we communicate with God, seek His guidance and wisdom. It strengthens our relationship with Him, helps us understand His will for our lives, empowering us to live a more Christ-centered life. Plan a time for daily prayer and make it a consistent habit.
  Regularly attend church services and get involved with your church family. Technology is a blessing and a curse. Watching a worship service isn’t the same as being there. It’s a substitute for real relationships.
  I haven’t been with my son, Aaron, who’s in Taiwan for six years though we talk via the Internet. It’s not the same and limits our relationship.
  To keep your Christian life fresh, you must physically connect with fellow believers and build meaningful relationships by participating in worship together regularly. As with a healthy family, it’s vital to both serve and be served. It’s hard for that to happen without presence. Serving helps us grow and lets others have a godly impact on us. Being part of a community of believers provides a sense of belonging. It helps hold each of us accountable in our faith. It can include checking in on each other, praying for each other, and encouraging each other in spiritual growth.
  Your faith will stagnate unless you share it. The most miserable Christians are those who don’t share their faith. God saved us and enlisted each one of us to be His missionary where He’s placed us. It is easy to get focused on social activities or the church building or even more Bible study but neglect sharing the gospel.
  There’s nothing more exciting for a whole family than a new baby. There’s nothing more exciting for a church family than seeing individuals come to Christ. When you meet Jesus, it’s natural to want to introduce others to Him. It’s weird to not to share what He’s done for you. Telling the good news of the gospel is as simple as sharing what you’ve personally experienced and inviting someone else to consider Him.
   So, if your walk with Christ has grown cold, turn to Him and let His Spirit set you on fire again. Then, live for something that eternally matters!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Never Bad Mouth Your Spouse

 

“Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but words will break our hearts.” Robert Fulghum

 

When I see this, it grieves me…the harsh way some married couples talk to each other. Best-selling author, Shaunti Feldhahn, shares this experience:
  I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate we’re going to miss the show with the kids.” Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.” “Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”

  Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing — not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone. I found myself thinking, “Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?” Later when I finished a major research study to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement part wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
  Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but this year instead of going on a big date, buying flowers or some special gift – do something that can transform your marriage – Change how you talk to your spouse!
  The Bible says a lot about how we talk. It’s amazing how our conversation with our spouse changes if someone is present that we’d be embarrassed if they heard our normal conversations. Too many of us, after we’ve been married a few years, fall into destructive ruts of how we talk to each other. “To love and cherish” is a lifetime commitment. We used to talk kindly when we were dating, but we’ve forgotten – and it costs us.
  Someone is probably reading this thinking, “I talk to them the way that they talk to me” or “I’ll change, if they change.” But God holds each of us accountable for ourselves. The vital questions are: Who does God want me to be in this marriage? Am I pleasing the One who died for me? Would you talk that way if you knew that Jesus was listening…because He is.
  Kindness in the way we talk is an overflow of a heart of love that seeks the good of the other. Too many marriages sound like a comic sitcom. Many speak nicer to their pet. Please know that I’m a fellow-sinner here. I’m ashamed of how I’ve spoken to Jane at times and am so thankful that God is the God of grace and forgiveness. Let me share some negatives and positives on marital communication.   
  Never use derogatory names. When I was a child, if I said certain words my mother would wash my mouth out with soap. Obscene names for your spouse are evil. So, are derogatory terms like stupid, dummy or idiot. She’s not your “old lady” and he’s not your “old man.”
  Kill the Sarcasm. If you want to improve your marriage, kill sarcasm. Sarcasm is hostility disguised as humor. Despite smiling outwardly, the victim of sarcastic comments feels put down. The origin of the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” Its why sarcasm is often preceded by the word “cutting.” Sarcasm cuts and hurts.
  Watch your tone, volume and speed of your words. Kindness has a tone. Cruelty and harshness also have one, a bad one. Have you ever noticed that angry people are usually loud? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Then, slow it down. Listen to lovers talking. They speak very carefully and slowly with each other. It’s hard to speak lovingly when your words are coming out rapid fire like a machine gun. So, how should we talk to our spouse?
   Listen first. James 1:19 says, “let every person be quick to hear.” Most of us need to learn to truly listen. Often one spouse talks or processes slower than the other and their mate grows impatient. So, never finish someone else’s sentence. Listen to understand, not to think about what you’re going to say next. Understanding requires the same definitions. For example, when Jane and I were first married, vacation meant something totally different to each of us. Jane’s family often went camping. I hate camping. For me, roughing it was going to a hotel and the hot water didn’t work.  

  Speak relationally. Many couples think they communicate but they only share information, like who’s picking up the kids or what they need from the store…and then frequently by text. In a relational conversation we share our heart. We share wants, dreams, hurts, fears, likes, and dislikes. We’re safe with each other and those conversations can bring insight and even healing. Oftentimes we’ve been beaten up by this world. It’s our mate who can share God’s grace when we’re hurting. As Jack Miller said, “God’s grace flows downhill to the low places, not uphill to the put-together places.” And shouldn’t the number one person that you’re praying for be your spouse? Do you ever ask them, “How can I pray for you?”
  Listen for the nonverbal cues. This takes time. You can tell when a couple has been married a few years and are still in love. They can hear each other’s unspoken words. A look, a facial expression, even a small sigh can speak volumes. Lovers hear the unspoken words.
  Have your own language. Jane and I have words that are associated with funny memories that just the word will either bring a smile or a burst of laughter. She’s the only one who calls me “Honey.” Sometimes a waitress will call me as a customer, “Honey.” For me that’s a special word. It just doesn’t fit when anyone else besides Jane calls me that.
  Healthy marital communication won’t just happen. It takes work. It takes God’s love and grace flowing through us but it’s so worth it!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

 

 

Purity is Creepy???

 

“To see evil and not call it evil is evil.” John Hagee 

Imagine attacking a politician because he/she is too concerned about their own personal morality and more than that, the protection from pornography of their own underage child. Yet, that’s exactly what’s happened recently with the newly elected Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson. 

  What’s the “deviant” thing that he’s done that’s brought so much mockery from the national media? Johnson is taking flak for using an accountability software called Covenant Eyes to protect himself and his adolescent son from watching pornography. The program shares what sites you visit with an accountability partner. It red flags when you visit a porn site, using accountability as a means to protect those who subscribe to the service.

  Rolling Stone called his actions “creepy.” The New Republic suggested that Johnson has “unusual porn habits.” Los Angeles Times columnist, Robin Abcarain in criticizing Johnson said, “Porn is not, in and of itself, a problem” and even went so far as to say that “there is a wealth of research disputing the very concept of pornography addiction.”

  Wow! Porn isn’t an addiction??? Even Psychology Today defines an addict as: “A person with an addiction uses a substance, or engages in a behavior, for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeat the activity, despite detrimental consequences. Addiction may involve the use of substances such as alcohol, inhalants, opioids, cocaine, and nicotine, or behaviors such as gambling.” Work with someone with difficulty staying away from porn and they’ll admit it’s an addiction. Talk to a spouse whose mate is addicted and how it impacts their relationship, and they’ll have no problem labeling pornography as an addiction.  

  It’s noteworthy that in the same news cycle ridiculing Johnson, a U.S. judge approved JP Morgan Chase’s $290 million settlement for women who Jeffrey Epstein sexually abused and that the largest U.S. bank turned a blind eye to the late financier’s sex trafficking. Nearly every day there’s a report of someone, often a teacher or minister, being charged with a sex crime. Where do those mocking Johnson think sex crime begins? Trace it back, the abuser first began by viewing pornography, often something in today’s XXX world that’s fairly innocuous.

  Have we so quickly forgotten the MeToo movement? Again, where does sexual abuse begin? I seriously doubt that you’ll discover any sexual abuser who was not first a porn addict.  

  None of us are surprised when those on opposite ends of the political spectrum attack each other. There’s plenty of fodder from which to hurl bombs, but one’s personal morality? It’s as abhorrent as those who took cruel shots at President Obama’s then underage daughters. Ours is truly the day of which Isaiah the prophet wrote: “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil” (Isaiah 5:28).

  Please understand. I’m not suggesting that anyone who looks at pornography will eventually commit sexual crimes. God’s Word repeatedly teaches that lust is a sin. Jesus said that “anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” He was saying that sins of the eye and mind are as wrong as sexual acts.

  All sin has a high price, but sexual sins have a higher price than many others. Pornography attacks Imago Dei, the dignity of men and women created in the image of God. It warps God’s precious gift of sex which should be shared only within the bounds of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2-3).

  A biblical perspective of human sexuality must recognize that sexual intercourse is exclusively reserved for marriage for the following purposes. First, it establishes the one-flesh union (Genesis 2:24-25; Matthew 19:4-6). Second, it provides for sexual intimacy within the marriage bond. The use of the word “know” indicates a profound meaning of sexual intercourse (Genesis. 4:1). Third, sexual intercourse is for the mutual pleasure of husband and wife (Prov. 5:18-19), as well as procreation (Genesis 1:28).

  Pornography is damaging to both singles and marrieds, yet is especially crippling to marriages, as it damages the ability of its users to maintain an ongoing, committed union. If a Christian is single, he/she violates it by engaging in random sexual fantasies with the innumerable others that are viewed in pornography. It’s attempting to enjoy the ecstasy of sexual union without any of its commitments or responsibilities. Since a one-flesh union is both authentic and exclusive, it’s falling far short of the biblical standard and carries a high personal price to one’s own soul and mental health.

  When a married person uses porn, he/she steals from the sexual energy the couple has vowed before God that’s to be reserved for one’s spouse and is instead wasted in selfish, private fantasies. In essence, it’s embezzling from one’s spouse what is rightfully his/hers, and is instead spending it irresponsibly, much as a gambler steals funds from an employer to support an addiction. What properly belongs to one person is thus stolen, making the term “cheating” all the more applicable.

  Sexual perversion is not new. It goes back nearly to the Fall. Some well-meaning Christians believe that we must attack this perversity head-on in a Fallen world. The Bible never teaches that. God did not call Christ-followers to reform a dying world but instead to share the hope of the Cross in regeneration. The best way to make a difference in our morally insane world is to model a biblically healthy sexual ethic, as can be done in a Christ honoring marriage.

  No one dines at a great restaurant because they attack all of the other restaurants for foul food. They dine there because it’s so much better. Marriage needs to be presented not merely as a license for sex but as a living metaphor of Christ’s love for His Church.

  Do you want to be a beacon of hope to a hurting world? Honor the Lord through biblical purity. Honor Him by sacrificially loving your spouse in a way that pleases King Jesus. Let the fulfillment of your own committed marital love be a model of God’s grace!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Marital Teamwork

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

                                                      Robert Frost

Poetry has fallen into disuse in the last few decades. Many are not familiar with the powerful poetic words of poets like Alfred Lord Tennyson or Henry Wordsworth Longfellow. Probably the last popular American poet was Robert Frost. It’s amazing though the influence that our spouse has on us. That was certainly the case with Robert Frost.
  While Frost presented himself publicly as a crusty farmer-poet, there was a reason his friends privately called him “Yahweh.” It seems that Frost was “a jealous god who brooked no rivals.”
  His friends were very worried when Frost agreed to attend a famous writer’s conference. Yet if anyone could control his prima donna attitude, it was his wife, Elinor, but five months before the conference she had died unexpectedly. Without his wife of forty-three years there to restrain him, Frost could be mean and vicious. At the conference he was so mean as Archibald MacLeish read his poetry, that Frost’s friend, Bernard Devoto rebuked him with, “You’re a good poet, Robert, but you’re a bad man.”
  So, is your spouse a better Christian because of you, or are holding them back spiritually? Over the years I’ve met some godly couples who as a team encouraged each other spiritually and served the Lord together. Every church has them. They’re such a joy to be around. It’s obvious that they are on the same page spiritually. They love and motivate each other toward Christlikeness, and they inspire others.
  The Apostle Paul commends a couple like that who helped his ministry: Priscilla and Aquila. He called them “my helpers” in Romans 16:3. What a marvelous title to be given! There was only a select group of people in the New Testament whom Paul referred to as his helpers or fellow workers. They included individuals like Timothy, Titus, Ephaphroditus, Clement, Tychicus, Onesimus, and many others. This group was a special help and encouragement to Paul during his ministry. That gives us a good idea how committed Aquila and Priscilla were in God’s service. They model for us a couple totally dedicated to God and the advancement of His kingdom.
  Yet, it’s never recorded that Aquila ever preached a sermon. There’s no evidence that he was ordained or in some kind of vocational ministry or even that either of them had any official church position. But they were a wonderful blessing to the churches of God because they gave themselves fully to God to be used for His glory in the churches, they served in.
  Jesus commanded us to share the gospel and make disciples. Priscilla and Aquila took that seriously. They mentored a young believer who God later greatly used, Apollos. Apparently, Apollos had been saved under the Old Testament system, but was lacking in his understanding of the full work of Christ on the Cross and the work of the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers.
  This godly couple realized that Apollo needed more grounding and further discipleship. They didn’t leave discipleship to the professionals. They took it upon themselves, as a couple, to take Apollos under their wing to teach and train and disciple him in the things of God. God has called every believer to do what they did. Just as someone probably took the time to mentor you spiritually, God has commanded you to commit yourself to helping others, particularly young believers, to grow in Christ.
  1 Peter 4:9 commands believers “Show hospitality to one another.” It’s very important to understand that this is not entertaining or having to impress others with your possessions. Instead, it’s simply opening your door and sharing what God has given you.
  We see Aquila and Priscilla’s love for the Lord in having others in their home, simple as it may have been. This willingness to use their possessions to serve the Lord advanced the cause of Christ. A couple letting others into their personal space has a great influence, not because the house is the stuff of Martha Stewart or white glove clean or even because their marriage or children are perfect. It’s seeing God work through us in the midst of life that makes a difference for the Kingdom.
  What if your spouse is an unbeliever or apathetic spiritually? Frequently, that’s the case. Even in the church it’s rare to find a Christian couple serving the Lord together. An unsaved or more often, a spiritually disinterested spouse, is an encumbrance on a spouse who is on fire for the Lord and wants to generously serve Him. It’s why some believers hesitate to serve in a ministry. To them, it’s not worth the grief they might receive from their mate.
  One of the greatest heroes in the Church in America was John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist Church. But he married unhappily to a wealthy widow when he was 48. His wife would come to hear him preach and mock him. She falsely accused him of adultery and even physically abused him when he returned home on one occasion, dragging him across the room by a handful of his hair.
  Wesley was known to keep up frequently with his journal entries. He only made one entry in regard to his marriage reporting after she finally left him, “I did not forsake her, I did not dismiss her, I will not recall her.” None of that stopped John Wesley from faithfully serving the Lord.
  We can’t control our spouse, yet we can’t use our mate as an excuse for not faithfully serving the Lord. We never want to be an obstacle in them either coming to Christ or growing in their own spiritual walk.  That means that we don’t complain to others about the burden we carry to others but faithfully pray for them, and we might need another believer who will keep confidence who will pray with and for us and encourage us. Yet, we must seek to do what we can. Often this may mean a kind conversation about your desire to serve the Lord more without pressuring your spouse. Most people are reasonable when given the opportunity to be.
  Our churches desperately need more Priscillas and Aquilas. Will you and your spouse be one? Are you encouraging your spouse to love and serve Jesus more? Are they closer to Jesus because of your influence?

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

The Story of Us

 “Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Till death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise – the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.”  John Piper 

I never imagined on a hot summer day on July 2, 1983, that Jane and I would someday be married for forty years. Please understand. We meant our vows, “till death do us part,” yet when you’re in your twenties, imagining what life and marriage will be like in your sixties is a bit like dreaming about space travel.
  We don’t have a perfect marriage and have had our share of marital storms. We know full well that we’re both sinners and desperately in need of God’s grace and will be to our last breath. There are some things though that we’ve learned in four decades together. Maybe they will help you in your own marital journey.
  A healthy marriage has two hosts. Jane and I dated once in college and then found each other again after she had graduated and was teaching in the Chicago suburbs. I’d left college and was saving money to return and finish by doing commercial roofing…in Chicago. We reconnected and like most couples, we bent over backwards for each other. We were perfect hosts, working to continually please the other because that’s what a host does.
  But when you’re a guest at a hotel, you don’t make the bed or hang up wet towels. Marriages deteriorate when spouses become guests, not hosts. They expect to be served rather than to serve. Hosts even talk differently to guests than guests do to hosts. Don’t hate me…but I don’t like cats yet I wouldn’t talk to a stray cat the way that some spouses speak to each other.
  Opposites attract and that’s a blessing. Jane is from Michigan, I’m from Atlanta. She grew up in the country and had a mile-long driveway. I grew up in the city. Jane is an extrovert and loves meeting new people. I’m an introvert and can feel drained by being with people. Jane loves a very planned life and schedule. I’m spontaneous and am more of a “go with the flow” type. Jane is time oriented and rarely late. I’m event-oriented, which simply means that I don’t move on to the next thing until the present one is done. I think that the last time that I was early was for our wedding. Yet, rather than these becoming sources of irritation, they’ve become what Scripture calls “iron sharpening iron,” helping us both grow.
  What originally attracted you is still there. If most couples would take a step back, they’d find that what irritates them about their spouse is about five or ten percent of the marriage. 90% though is fantastic! But what do they focus on – that small percentage. And frequently what drives them crazy are the very things that originally attracted them. For example, one of the things that attracted me to Jane is that she is so kind. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was in business, I was nicknamed “the butt kicker.” Yet I’m not sure I’ve seen Jane angry more than five times in forty years and none of them (amazingly so) were at me. Jane was originally attracted to my assertiveness but there were times that my assertiveness embarrassed her. Thankfully we’ve both grown in grace, yet those same traits are still there. Instead of being annoyances, they’ve become traits of gratitude.
  If you fight, keep it clean. Periodically, a couple will tell you that they never fight. Mark it down – they’re either lying, very boring, or highly medicated. Disagreements and fights help us grow. But in forty years the word “divorce” has never been used by either of us, even as a joke. My mentor, Dad Cummins, taught us that. Dad married us and did our pre-marital counseling. Most of us fight like our parents did instead of biblically. They were our greatest teachers of what marriage was like for the first years of life. My Dad was a rageaholic, interestingly, so was his Dad. Jane and I have learned to keep it toned down. It’s hard to get very angry when you talk softly. You must also avoid becoming “historical.” In the midst of the conflict, it’s tempting to bring up past grievances that have nothing to do with the present issue for extra ammo. Then, keeping it private is vital. Other than our children, very few know that we’ve had any disagreements. But some couples take pleasure in airing their dirty laundry, looking for allies. They do pay back when they have an audience to shame their mate. God’s Word commands us to not “let the sun go down on our anger” (Ephesians 4:26). A healthy marriage keeps it cleaned up. That means it’s wrong to hold grudges or pull off some ongoing silent treatment.
  Have a united front. Too often when a couple is having issues, they think that the solution is to have a baby. It’s not. Children are the great dividers. Because we tend to believe the way that we were raised is the best one, children learn early to play Mom and Dad against each other. Parents will disagree on parenting styles, just do it privately, not in front of your children. The same is true with marital disagreements, like in-laws or holidays. Stay united and keep disagreements private.  
  When you draw closer to the God of love, you’ll draw closer to each other. Do you know what the percentage of divorce is for a couple who prays together? Less than 10%. That’s one reason the Bible teaches that Christians must marry Christians. You can’t pray together if you don’t have the same Heavenly Father. A personal devotional life is essential to a healthy marriage. As we individually spend time in God’s Word and in prayer, we love God more. In love, He corrects us, which is often in how we’ve wronged someone, frequently our spouse. Think of it as a triangle with God at the peak and you and your spouse at the far angles. As you move closer to God, you’re moving closer to each other.
  There’s a lot more. The bottom line is that both Jane and I believe that based on Scripture believers should have the happiest and most fulfilled marriages. That’s because we have resources lost folk don’t have – the Holy Spirit indwelling us, God’s Word guiding us and a local church family encouraging us! Forty years ago we said, “till death do us part.” We meant it and we’d do it all over again, yet it’s all by God’s grace!!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Why Even Get Married?

“Why would I ever get married?

I’ve never met anyone with a happy marriage!”

A few days before I’d had a discussion about that oft-repeated comment when I ran into my friend, Charlie Vos, at Walmart. One of the great joys of living in a small town is that you often not only actually know your mail carrier, but you also become friends (many of our friends in this community we first met while they worked at the Post Office). Years ago, Charlie, was our mail carrier at the church and later became the mail carrier for our home on Dardis Drive. It was one of the huge highlights of the day for our then young children when Charlie delivered the mail. Always jovial, always friendly and always encouraging. Charlie was a walking ray of sunlight.

  I’m sure that he has them but I’ve never seen Charlie have a bad day. He lived out the USPS unofficial motto: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” There were two things that you learned very quickly when you talked to Charlie – he adored and loved his wife, Linda, and he loved his children.

  For years, even though later he was getting to an age when he probably shouldn’t still be doing it, Charlie was out installing docks in the spring and removing them in the fall as part of volunteering with the Browns Lake Aquaducks. Because his kids were involved, Charlie dove in. It was obviously a team effort with Linda. So, it wasn’t a big surprise when I ran into him and Charlie shared that he and Linda were celebrating 50 years of marital bliss in April. But I was surprised when he shared that his family went back five generations, all the way back into the 1800’s, of couples who hit their Golden Wedding Anniversary. Wow!

  Are you like me? I’m very turned off by negative advertising. For instance, if a car company shares how horrible the other guy’s cars are, yet fails to share the benefits of their own vehicle, I’m not interested. I bought my first Toyota because a very satisfied Toyota owner recommended them and now I’m a satisfied Toyota customer.

  I think that the Church has frequently done that when it comes to marriage. The latest un-marriages that have been in the news are the increase in polyamory and legal changes regarding polygamy in Utah. Many Christians are wringing their hands about another erosion in moral values and that it’s another sign of the end of the world.

  While it is true that the biblical model of marriage is one man and one woman committed for life, yet I think that we’d gain much more ground and win a much greater hearing if we modeled “satisfied customers” in our own marriages in the Church, rather than “negative advertising” about those who abandon a biblical worldview. Maybe we need to take an honest look in the mirror…maybe it’s not them, it’s “us.”

  If we believe that God is omnipotent and as He promised in 2 Corinthians 12:9, that His grace is sufficient for us, how can a Christian rationalize not seeking to biblically problem-solve marital issues? How does a Christian, one who has a new Lord in Jesus Christ, justify behaving sinfully in their marriage or by their feelings, rather than submitting to God’s instructions found in Scripture? Since the Bible commands me to look at my own heart first before I begin speck checking in my partner’s life (Mt. 7:3-5), how can I point fingers at my spouse before I first do some soul evaluation?

  Most people live in one of two extremes in their marriage: fight or flight. Frequently one spouse is given to one extreme and their spouse the other. Unhappiness in marriage is usually a result of long term erosion. Yet, in light of so many passages that tell us that we are to confront sin in each other (Matt. 18:15; James 5:19-20), can we rationalize sweeping ongoing issues under the rug like so many who don’t know the Lord do? Isn’t it the sin of gossip to complain about our spouse and issues if we haven’t gone to them first? Instead of swallowing our emotions, whether hurt or anger, aren’t we instead commanded to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15).

  Many marriages are troubled by discontent. Yet, we’re commanded to learn to be content (Phil. 4:11). Discontent is a product of comparison. Yet, Scripture tells us that it’s unwise to compare ourselves (2 Cor. 10:12).

  My point is that as Bible-believers, we have resources that those who don’t believe have. While we will never have perfect marriages, as Bible-believers we do have all of the resources and instructions that we need to have fulfilling ones. Going to heaven is dependent on my trusting God’s plan of salvation and the cross. God wants us to trust Him for this life, not just for the next. To have a “heavenly” marriage now, we don’t need more truth, rather we need to trust, apply and obey what we already know.

  Sometimes even in the most loving marriage, we will reach an impasse, yet we’re brothers and sisters. Thus, we need to reach out to more spiritually mature believers who can graciously help us, who will be objective counselors and share biblical insights and wisdom (Prov. 9:9).

  Some marriage issues sadly are unresolvable, yet Scripture even has an antidote for this. Romans 12:18 “ If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Frequently, you’ll hear someone rationalize their sinful actions with something like, “well, if they didn’t do _____, I wouldn’t react.” God’s Word never gives us an out for sinful behavior. We’re each responsible for our actions and reactions, and will give an account someday for them.

  Perfection is impossible for redeemed sinners in a sin contaminated world. We though who have a personal relationship with the God Who is love (1 Jn 4:7-8) should be the most loving and have the most loving relationships. Instead of pouring energy into culture wars, we’d be wiser (and more fulfilled) if we drew on God’s resources readily available to us to have marriages that advertise the transforming power of the Gospel.

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Love for a Lifetime

“When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.”   C.S. Lewis

Last weekend Ben and I were in Charlotte and had the opportunity to visit the Billy Graham Museum. Billy and Ruth Graham are buried on the grounds, as is the soloist who regularly sang the crusades, George Beverly Shea, and crusade song leader, Cliff Barrows and his wife, Billie. It was very moving and tastefully done.

  Yet, I felt disappointed. I had thought that it was Billy Graham’s recent home, but instead, it was his childhood home. The home where he spent most of his married life and eventually died is in the small mountain town of Montreat about a hundred miles from Charlotte.  

  The Grahams initially lived in a house across the street from Ruth’s parents. That changed when tourists began peeking through their windows. Ruth told of seeing young daughter Ruth, known as Bunny, once running up to tourists with a cup to collect fees. That was when Ruth decided that the family had to move to a place more private.

  Billy Graham died in 2018. But Ruth, the love of his life, died ten years earlier in 2007. In that decade before they were reunited in heaven, every day as Billy made his way down the hallway from their bedroom, he’d stop at her picture, plant a kiss on the tip of his finger and touch it to her picture. 

  The day before her Homegoing, he released a statement through the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association stating: “Ruth is my soul mate and best friend, and I cannot imagine living a single day without her by my side. I am more and more in love with her today than when we first met over 65 years ago as students at Wheaton College.”

  Marriage has fallen out of style in our culture. A couple that’s been married for more than ten years is increasingly rare. Yet, what is tragically, very, very rare – even among believers – is a healthy, fulfilling marriage.

  This morning we’re finishing our series on Hosea, Relentless Love. We’re not sure how long Hosea and Gomer were married after Hosea bought her back out of prostitution and slavery. It’s believed that his prophetic ministry lasted nearly forty years. From the timeline, it appears that their marriage, after its rebirth, was long and healthy.

  Sexual sin does not have to be the death blow for a future healthy marriage. The genealogy of Jesus found in Matthew 1 with its taint of shame demonstrates that. The more deadly disease for a healthy marriage is the preaching target of most of the book of Hosea – spiritual adultery.

  If like the nation of Israel, Jesus Christ is not the Lord of your life and your greatest love and priority, it’s impossible to have a truly healthy marriage. It is only when our relationship with God is in sync that our other relationships will be in sync.

  Jane and I will have been married 37 years this coming July. It’s shocking to me how frustrating and annoying she can be to me…if I’m not walking with the Lord. Yet, it’s even more amazing to me how beautiful my bride is to me when my life is in sync with my Savior. And though Jane is a much more naturally gracious and kind person than I will ever be, I have no doubt that this is true for her as well.

  Yet, too many couples who say that they believe the Bible settle for status quo. They’re not lovers as God intended, they’re little more than roommates. God’s design is for us to be soulmates. That comes from first being greatly forgiven and then being a great forgiver.

  Most marriages don’t explode. They erode slowly over time until it all of it either comes crashing down or decays into some comatose existence. It’s not right and it’s not God’s plan. There are many sources of marital decay. Here though are three of the more common ones.

  Ingratitude. When something is new, it’s fresh and special. Over time we become familiar and take it for granted. Think of your marriage as a brand new car. When you first drive it off the lot, you’re nearly intoxicated with that new car smell. But after the last payment has been made and it has dents and scratches, you’re just glad that it still starts.

  Can I get in your personal space for a moment? It’s heartbreaking how most couples talk to and about each other. Some have a kinder and more gracious tone with the cashier at the drive-through at the local fast food joint than they do with the one they share their bed with. No one owes us anything. Our spouse is not our personal servant. Anything they do for us is a gift. When we are grateful for every little thing, it changes everything.

  Busyness. Someone pointed out that human beings are the only species who run faster when we’ve lost our way. It’s idiocy that we find our worth in how busy we are. Think about it. The common answer when asked, “How are you?” Busy! We’re not machines. God created us to be human beings, not human doings. When we sprint past our spouse as we watch TV or our brains are locked into social media, it’s an intimacy killer.

  This may sound crazy but you must fight to be unbusy. Most of us could and need to eradicate chunks of busyness from our lives. We must make room for margin and white space. A masterpiece can’t be mass-produced on a production line and neither can a beautiful marriage.

  Stubbornness. Too often couples will say something like, “If they’d change, I’d change.” It makes you want to scream, “Are you three?”
  If you want to begin to solve the core problems in your marriage, suspect the sinner that you know the best. Something shocking and wonderful happens when we repent of sin and choose a new life direction – our spouse must change too. For example, if you refuse to return fire, they run out of ammunition. It’s living out Romans 12:17, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.”

  While I can’t control you, I can always control ME. God doesn’t want to be our co-pilot. He must be in the driver’s seat. After nearly five decades of walking with Jesus, it still amazes me that when I let Him be the Lord of my life, His love, joy, and peace that flood my soul. Having an amazing marriage always begins with first embracing God’s amazing grace!

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Change is beautiful!

“Change is the only constant in life.”

     Heraclitus

  Autumn is my favorite time of year. While I love spring with the flowers blooming and green coming back to the trees and grass, I love God’s wonderful palette of colors in the fall. I’ve always been just a tad envious of folk who are able to go on a fall color tour.

  Recently, when we visited Jane’s Mom in northern Michigan the trees were on fire with their many colors. I love the cooler nights and the crispness in the air. There’s nothing like a warm fire, hot chocolate, snuggling up and gazing into the dying embers. It all brings back fond memories for me. In the south, we rarely raked leaves but would rake together huge piles of pine straw. I remember leaping into those piles and pinecone battles with my friends.

  The Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, was right – change is inevitable. To quote the Borg from Star Trek, “Resistance is futile.” Yes, some changes aren’t good or moral, yet God’s grace is sufficient and we can trust Him even as we sail into new unchartered cultural waters. Our Heavenly Father is never surprised by any of the cultural changes, even the evil ones.

  Yet, I am so thankful that God does not leave me in spiritual comfort and what too often can devolve spiritually into stagnation. The Christian life is to be one of constant change and forward movement. There is to be no plateauing and settling for the status quo.

  Recently, I shared with our leaders God has worked in my heart and changed my commitment and dependency on prayer over the years. Please understand I have light years to go yet. If you’re looking for a “prayer warrior,” I’m not your guy. Yet my dependency and internal default setting have drastically changed. During my first years of ministry, I was a doer and program focused. I’ve learned though and am continuing to learn that if God is not in it and He’s not doing it, it’s a waste of time and effort.

  Then, God has changed my outlook on trials and difficulties. This may surprise you, but there are folk that I tick off (sometimes I think that I’m a “Professional Ticker Offer”). I don’t like to upset people. I certainly don’t like trials or deep waters, yet I’ve learned more and more that it is in the trials that my loving Heavenly Father burns away the dross from my life. In the past, I’d chafe in the fire, or moan and groan…or even become angry. God has worked in my heart (I haven’t arrived), where more often I ask Him to burn away the dross that He needs to in my life and teach me the lessons that I need to learn from the heat. I want to grow and be more like Jesus. I know that means that He has to do some pruning of my heart and life. As the Lord Jesus said in John 15, “every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit” (vs. 2).

  Then, I’m so thankful for the changes in my marriage. Jane and I are more in love, closer and more honest with each other today than when we got married…sometime back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. It’s very hard for me to watch couples who grow apart overtime when the Lord wants us to grow closer together as we grow closer to Him. That’s the key – growing closer to Him. As both husband and wife become more like Jesus and draw closer to Him, a wonderful outcome is growing closer to each other. Jane and I truly enjoy pleasing each other and making each other happy. Personally, I think that a healthy Christian marriage is one of the greatest witnesses for the power of the gospel. Only His grace can take two selfish sinners and make them more loving, selfless and sacrificial.

  Now that all three of our children are adults, I’m so thankful for the changes in our relationship. We’ve moved from parent and child to friends. All three of them are unique and God uses them to challenge me and be a blessing in my life. And I am so thankful that in the goodness of God (not because they had great parenting, especial a great Dad), that all three love Jesus, want to serve Him and others. Their spiritual maturity and compassion often challenge me to try to keep up with them.

  Then, I’m so thankful for the changes that God has and continues to bring about in our church. We have more and more who are committed to serving the Lord and reaching those who don’t yet know our Savior. I have the best job in the world, I have the privilege of sharing with folk how they can be forgiven, how their life can make an eternal difference and count for all eternity. I have the privilege of sharing biblical truth of how they can walk with Jesus, know His love, joy, and peace…be a better spouse, parent, employee, etc. Rarely do I hear moaning or groaning at church.

  I’m so thankful that God is working and changing in our church family. We’re more and more committed to not being some religious social club but a lighthouse of God’s love, grace and kindness to our community!

  As I’m aging, I’m even thankful for a few aches and pains. I know that may sound weird. Yet, as the writer of Ecclesiastes powerfully unpacks in his poetic description of aging and deterioration in chapter 12, it’s a constant reminder that the best is yet to come! I have a new body awaiting me! I  can’t wait to pitch my glasses once and for all. And I get to see the Savior who knew all about me and what a mess I was, yet chose to love me and die for me. As I grow older, I understand more and more what the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 1. Read it for yourself in verses 21-25. It’s summarized though in verse 21, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” I long and pray for that to be true in my life!

  As a believer, the best is always ahead. The Christian life is to be one of constant godly change! I want to embrace and love change if it means that I’m becoming more like Jesus and one step closer to Home!

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Marital Minefields

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.”  John Lennon

  For decades the Afghani people have lived through war and instability. One of the biggest threats they now face are landmines, left from either the Soviet invasion or the fight against the Taliban. In 2017 alone, more than 2,000 Afghans were killed or injured by landmines. That’s about five times the number of civilians killed in 2012. The aid group, Halo Trust, estimates there are up to 640,000 landmines laid in Afghanistan since 1979. Although most recorded battlefields have been cleared, Afghanistan still remains one of the world’s most mined countries.

  For some that’s a picture of their marriage. He or she feels like they’re continually attempting to navigate marital minefields. Often it shows in that they’re anxious, nervous and unsure when their next step might be innocently stepping on a “landmine.” Like those in Afghanistan, what is perversely abnormal frequently becomes their marital normal. It’s wrong, it’s sin and not how God designed for marriage to be. Here are some landmines that many couples have to negotiate through.

  Fear of explosive anger. All of us know someone who has a sinful anger problem. Hopefully, it’s not someone you’re married to. Explosive rage has no place in marriage. It creates an atmosphere of insecurity and anxiety. There can be no intimacy if there is anxiety. Often the explosion is over something insignificant, like running late or forgetting to put gas in the car. Angry rants are driven by pride and selfishness: “How could you be so stupid! I never do things like that!” Because explosive attacks get a response, they easily devolve into a vile habit.

  Fear of an inquisition. A healthy marriage is dependent on two mature adults with integrity. Some spouses are anxious about doing nearly anything for fear that it will be the “wrong” decision. If you can’t trust your spouse, there are serious issues. But treating your spouse as if you can’t trust them is just as bad, if not worse. Sometimes the inquisition is a shell game. The spouse putting their mate in the “hot seat” uses it as a cover for their own sinful behavior. For example, they’ll grill their partner: Where have you been? What were you doing? Why didn’t you answer your phone? Why were you late? It’s an attempt to keep their partner on edge and on the defensive, so they’re never questioned…because they know that what they’re doing is wrong.  

  Often the inquisition is over finances or time management. If you can’t trust your spouse to wisely use money or manage their time as an adult, those are symptoms of bigger issues. Too often it’s not a lack of trust, it’s intimidation, and the one spouse is chronically anxious about making any decisions for fear of stepping on a landmine.

  Fear of the machine gun fighter. In a war movie, there may be an unknown machine gun nest where soldiers are gunned down but never saw it coming. Opposites tend to attract in marriage and that’s healthy. It helps compensate for our inabilities and weaknesses. Frequently, one spouse is a processor while the other is a quick thinker. Both are good…until there’s a fight. And while the processor is still looking for ammo, the other partner has already blown them away. They’re a machine gun fighter and their spouse never knew what hit them. It’s embarrassing and humiliating for them. Often resentment is buried for fear of sharing their true feelings. They’re walking through a minefield, nervous about a misstep.

  Fear of the passive-aggressive spouse. Pity the poor person married to the passive-aggressive. They innocently attempt to problem-solve only to find they’ve stepped on a landmine. Passive-aggressive spouses have an uncanny ability to make you feel you’re continually wrong, but you’re not quite sure how. They’re masters of second guessing and manipulation. Sometimes it’s by obstructionism, committing to cooperate but undermining and sabotaging, all the while pointing fingers of accusation and claiming innocence. They make excuses yet blame their spouse for holding them accountable. The outcome is confusion and chaos. By sending mixed messages, pouting or playing the victim, their mate is uncertain whether they’re own perceptions are real or whether they truly are in the wrong.

  William Sloan Coffin said, “I am sure the Bible is right: the opposite of love, is not hate but fear.” Or, as 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” It’s impossible to have a healthy marriage that’s permeated by fear. God has designed us so that our greatest needs are for love and acceptance. Fear causes us to close ourselves off and eradicates true intimacy. So, how can we dispose of these landmines?

  Point them out. Acknowledge the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. Get it out in the open. Lovingly share with your spouse, “This makes me feel afraid.”  

  Take personal responsibility. Most couples think things will get better once their spouse changes. Focus instead on how you can change. If you change, they have to change.

  Give it all to God and trust Him. Your needs, your hurts, your desire to change your spouse—instead of hiding them, turn them over to the Lord. Tell Him, “Lord, I’m afraid of _________. I give that fear to you.”

  Get outside help. I’m continually amazed at those who maintain their cars better than their marriages. If your car starts making a funny noise, or the warning lights started coming on, you’d have it serviced. If there are chronic issues in your marriage, do something. Yes, first pray and ask God to work. God though gave you a brain and expects you to use it.

  Francis de Sales was right, “Anxiety is the greatest evil that can befall us except sin.” Be wise, be godly and refuse to live in a marital minefield.

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

35 Years of Wedded Bliss and a Few Bumps

“God’s way to a successful marriage focuses on what husbands and wives put into it, not on what they can get out of it.” John MacArthur

  Every year I officiate a few weddings. To be candid what I most enjoy is not the wedding but the pre-marital counseling. It probably is a vital issue with me because of my own background and unfortunately, the lack of pre-marital counseling that Jane and I received prior to our wedding. In the goodness of God while we had little pre-marital counseling, we had been blessed to observed firsthand a few godly marriages and homes.

  It’s not a universal, yet you can often surmise what someone’s formative home life and particularly their parent’s marriage was like based on their current marriage. We tend to be creatures of habit and our environment greatly affects us. That means more is caught than taught. If alcoholic parents tend to have alcoholic children, why would we then be surprised if troubled marriages are passed on generationally?

  Tomorrow Jane and I will celebrate our 35^th Anniversary. I praise God and am so thankful with the wonderful wife that He blessed me with. Yet, to be candid, I know that being married to me has not been easy. Though the way that my father treated my mother is repugnant to me, more times than I want to remember, I found that I followed that same vile pattern.

  My Dad was a rage-aholic. He was a scary person. In his defense, my grandfather, was a rage-aholic…and much worse than that. My Dad used to tell of how my grandfather stomped a dog to death because it had snapped at my father, when my father was a small child.

  Sunday dinner after church in our home during my early years was a weekly train wreck. We went to church all smiles and sat in the second row together each week. Yet, at dinner, it was “normal” for my Dad to berate my Mom so badly about something that she’d flee the dinner table in tears.

  35 years of being married to me and Jane is still not a fighter. In shame, I must confess that I’ve driven her to tears far too often, much as my father did with my Mom. Angry words spewed out of me. All of my life I have fought my temper and worked to keep it under control...sometimes I failed.

  God in His grace has been so good to me. The words of John Newton, author of Amazing Grace, are so encouraging: “I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am.” Spiritual growth, sanctification is a lifelong, ongoing process. One day I will have it all together…when I’m finally Home. Through the years God has wonderfully worked in my heart to cultivate the fruit of the Spirit – peace, patience, longsuffering.

  I don’t believe in accidents. Humanly speaking, a boy from Atlanta should never have married a girl from Michigan. Not only are Jane and I from opposite ends of the country, we’re polar opposites on most things – except one. We both love Jesus and that’s made all the difference. Neither of us will settle for status quo or mediocrity in our marriage. We study God’s Word and pray for each other. We pray for our marriage. We read books on marriage and attend marriage conferences. Often, it’s not to learn something new but to remind us of what we already knew.

  Over the years we’ve kept short accounts with each other. When we’re wrong, we admit it. We rarely argue or disagree. Though we’ve failed sometimes, we seek to live out Ephesians 4:26, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” When there’s a disagreement, we get it out there and resolve it…and then forget it. If God forgives and forgets, surely we must do that for each other. I can honestly say that I love Jane more today than I did on July 2, 1983 when we exchanged our vows before God of lifelong marital commitment. Having a fulfilling marriage is not complicated. It begins with loving Jesus and seeking to keep Him first.

  Add to that, Jane and I are best friends. We’ve got each other’s back. Neither of us demeans or disparages the other, especially in public. If you want to know Jane’s weaknesses, you’ll never get it out of me and the same is true of her. We protect each other and each other’s reputation.

  We’ve sought to surround ourselves with friends who have godly, healthy marriages. One of our favorite couples is Don and Margaret Wise. Jane and I are teens compared to them. Now that they’ve relocated to Michigan, we rarely see them. Next year though they’ll celebrate their 75^th Anniversary. When we’ve been with them, they always mention that they pray for us every day. I can’t recall them ever uttering an unkind word to each other. They’re one of many godly couples God brought into our lives.

  Though Jane and I want to do things well and enjoy nice things, at the same time, we have low expectations. Too many couples are frustrated with life and exasperated with each other because they’re idealistic. They bicker and chronically complain, even about the trivial. Life is a gift from God to be enjoyed! Joni Eareckson-Tada is right, “True contentment on earth means asking less of this life because more is coming in the next.”

  You’ll never enjoy marriage unless you learn to laugh and laugh a lot. Jane and I don’t have to be entertained or go to a show or even watch some comedian to burst out laughing. God is the most creative comedian of all. (If you don’t believe that, look in the mirror.) Learning to laugh at yourself and with each other, so lightens your load. When we learn to laugh at life and not take ourselves or it so seriously, it’s so freeing. Proverbs 15:15 says, “the cheerful of heart has a continual feast.”

  Marriage is a journey. Jane and I have now been on it for 35 years. It still seems like just a short trip around the block. If Christ is Lord of your life and marriage, it can be the most fulfilling journey that you will ever take. 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.