Never Bad Mouth Your Spouse

 

“Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but words will break our hearts.” Robert Fulghum

 

When I see this, it grieves me…the harsh way some married couples talk to each other. Best-selling author, Shaunti Feldhahn, shares this experience:
  I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate we’re going to miss the show with the kids.” Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.” “Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”

  Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing — not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone. I found myself thinking, “Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?” Later when I finished a major research study to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement part wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
  Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but this year instead of going on a big date, buying flowers or some special gift – do something that can transform your marriage – Change how you talk to your spouse!
  The Bible says a lot about how we talk. It’s amazing how our conversation with our spouse changes if someone is present that we’d be embarrassed if they heard our normal conversations. Too many of us, after we’ve been married a few years, fall into destructive ruts of how we talk to each other. “To love and cherish” is a lifetime commitment. We used to talk kindly when we were dating, but we’ve forgotten – and it costs us.
  Someone is probably reading this thinking, “I talk to them the way that they talk to me” or “I’ll change, if they change.” But God holds each of us accountable for ourselves. The vital questions are: Who does God want me to be in this marriage? Am I pleasing the One who died for me? Would you talk that way if you knew that Jesus was listening…because He is.
  Kindness in the way we talk is an overflow of a heart of love that seeks the good of the other. Too many marriages sound like a comic sitcom. Many speak nicer to their pet. Please know that I’m a fellow-sinner here. I’m ashamed of how I’ve spoken to Jane at times and am so thankful that God is the God of grace and forgiveness. Let me share some negatives and positives on marital communication.   
  Never use derogatory names. When I was a child, if I said certain words my mother would wash my mouth out with soap. Obscene names for your spouse are evil. So, are derogatory terms like stupid, dummy or idiot. She’s not your “old lady” and he’s not your “old man.”
  Kill the Sarcasm. If you want to improve your marriage, kill sarcasm. Sarcasm is hostility disguised as humor. Despite smiling outwardly, the victim of sarcastic comments feels put down. The origin of the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” Its why sarcasm is often preceded by the word “cutting.” Sarcasm cuts and hurts.
  Watch your tone, volume and speed of your words. Kindness has a tone. Cruelty and harshness also have one, a bad one. Have you ever noticed that angry people are usually loud? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Then, slow it down. Listen to lovers talking. They speak very carefully and slowly with each other. It’s hard to speak lovingly when your words are coming out rapid fire like a machine gun. So, how should we talk to our spouse?
   Listen first. James 1:19 says, “let every person be quick to hear.” Most of us need to learn to truly listen. Often one spouse talks or processes slower than the other and their mate grows impatient. So, never finish someone else’s sentence. Listen to understand, not to think about what you’re going to say next. Understanding requires the same definitions. For example, when Jane and I were first married, vacation meant something totally different to each of us. Jane’s family often went camping. I hate camping. For me, roughing it was going to a hotel and the hot water didn’t work.  

  Speak relationally. Many couples think they communicate but they only share information, like who’s picking up the kids or what they need from the store…and then frequently by text. In a relational conversation we share our heart. We share wants, dreams, hurts, fears, likes, and dislikes. We’re safe with each other and those conversations can bring insight and even healing. Oftentimes we’ve been beaten up by this world. It’s our mate who can share God’s grace when we’re hurting. As Jack Miller said, “God’s grace flows downhill to the low places, not uphill to the put-together places.” And shouldn’t the number one person that you’re praying for be your spouse? Do you ever ask them, “How can I pray for you?”
  Listen for the nonverbal cues. This takes time. You can tell when a couple has been married a few years and are still in love. They can hear each other’s unspoken words. A look, a facial expression, even a small sigh can speak volumes. Lovers hear the unspoken words.
  Have your own language. Jane and I have words that are associated with funny memories that just the word will either bring a smile or a burst of laughter. She’s the only one who calls me “Honey.” Sometimes a waitress will call me as a customer, “Honey.” For me that’s a special word. It just doesn’t fit when anyone else besides Jane calls me that.
  Healthy marital communication won’t just happen. It takes work. It takes God’s love and grace flowing through us but it’s so worth it!

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