“Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about
staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Till death do us part’ or ‘As
long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise – the same kind Jesus
made with His bride when He died for her.” John
Piper
I never imagined on a hot summer day on
July 2, 1983, that Jane and I would someday be married for forty years. Please
understand. We meant our vows, “till death do us part,” yet when you’re
in your twenties, imagining what life and marriage will be like in your sixties
is a bit like dreaming about space travel.
We don’t have a perfect marriage and have had our share of marital storms. We know full well that we’re both sinners and desperately in need of God’s grace and will be to our last breath. There are some things though that we’ve learned in four decades together. Maybe they will help you in your own marital journey.
A healthy marriage has two hosts. Jane and I dated once in college and then found each other again after she had graduated and was teaching in the Chicago suburbs. I’d left college and was saving money to return and finish by doing commercial roofing…in Chicago. We reconnected and like most couples, we bent over backwards for each other. We were perfect hosts, working to continually please the other because that’s what a host does.
But when you’re a guest at a hotel, you don’t make the bed or hang up wet towels. Marriages deteriorate when spouses become guests, not hosts. They expect to be served rather than to serve. Hosts even talk differently to guests than guests do to hosts. Don’t hate me…but I don’t like cats yet I wouldn’t talk to a stray cat the way that some spouses speak to each other.
Opposites attract and that’s a blessing. Jane is from Michigan, I’m from Atlanta. She grew up in the country and had a mile-long driveway. I grew up in the city. Jane is an extrovert and loves meeting new people. I’m an introvert and can feel drained by being with people. Jane loves a very planned life and schedule. I’m spontaneous and am more of a “go with the flow” type. Jane is time oriented and rarely late. I’m event-oriented, which simply means that I don’t move on to the next thing until the present one is done. I think that the last time that I was early was for our wedding. Yet, rather than these becoming sources of irritation, they’ve become what Scripture calls “iron sharpening iron,” helping us both grow.
What originally attracted you is still there. If most couples would take a step back, they’d find that what irritates them about their spouse is about five or ten percent of the marriage. 90% though is fantastic! But what do they focus on – that small percentage. And frequently what drives them crazy are the very things that originally attracted them. For example, one of the things that attracted me to Jane is that she is so kind. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was in business, I was nicknamed “the butt kicker.” Yet I’m not sure I’ve seen Jane angry more than five times in forty years and none of them (amazingly so) were at me. Jane was originally attracted to my assertiveness but there were times that my assertiveness embarrassed her. Thankfully we’ve both grown in grace, yet those same traits are still there. Instead of being annoyances, they’ve become traits of gratitude.
If you fight, keep it clean. Periodically, a couple will tell you that they never fight. Mark it down – they’re either lying, very boring, or highly medicated. Disagreements and fights help us grow. But in forty years the word “divorce” has never been used by either of us, even as a joke. My mentor, Dad Cummins, taught us that. Dad married us and did our pre-marital counseling. Most of us fight like our parents did instead of biblically. They were our greatest teachers of what marriage was like for the first years of life. My Dad was a rageaholic, interestingly, so was his Dad. Jane and I have learned to keep it toned down. It’s hard to get very angry when you talk softly. You must also avoid becoming “historical.” In the midst of the conflict, it’s tempting to bring up past grievances that have nothing to do with the present issue for extra ammo. Then, keeping it private is vital. Other than our children, very few know that we’ve had any disagreements. But some couples take pleasure in airing their dirty laundry, looking for allies. They do pay back when they have an audience to shame their mate. God’s Word commands us to not “let the sun go down on our anger” (Ephesians 4:26). A healthy marriage keeps it cleaned up. That means it’s wrong to hold grudges or pull off some ongoing silent treatment.
Have a united front. Too often when a couple is having issues, they think that the solution is to have a baby. It’s not. Children are the great dividers. Because we tend to believe the way that we were raised is the best one, children learn early to play Mom and Dad against each other. Parents will disagree on parenting styles, just do it privately, not in front of your children. The same is true with marital disagreements, like in-laws or holidays. Stay united and keep disagreements private.
When you draw closer to the God of love, you’ll draw closer to each other. Do you know what the percentage of divorce is for a couple who prays together? Less than 10%. That’s one reason the Bible teaches that Christians must marry Christians. You can’t pray together if you don’t have the same Heavenly Father. A personal devotional life is essential to a healthy marriage. As we individually spend time in God’s Word and in prayer, we love God more. In love, He corrects us, which is often in how we’ve wronged someone, frequently our spouse. Think of it as a triangle with God at the peak and you and your spouse at the far angles. As you move closer to God, you’re moving closer to each other.
There’s a lot more. The bottom line is that both Jane and I believe that based on Scripture believers should have the happiest and most fulfilled marriages. That’s because we have resources lost folk don’t have – the Holy Spirit indwelling us, God’s Word guiding us and a local church family encouraging us! Forty years ago we said, “till death do us part.” We meant it and we’d do it all over again, yet it’s all by God’s grace!!
We don’t have a perfect marriage and have had our share of marital storms. We know full well that we’re both sinners and desperately in need of God’s grace and will be to our last breath. There are some things though that we’ve learned in four decades together. Maybe they will help you in your own marital journey.
A healthy marriage has two hosts. Jane and I dated once in college and then found each other again after she had graduated and was teaching in the Chicago suburbs. I’d left college and was saving money to return and finish by doing commercial roofing…in Chicago. We reconnected and like most couples, we bent over backwards for each other. We were perfect hosts, working to continually please the other because that’s what a host does.
But when you’re a guest at a hotel, you don’t make the bed or hang up wet towels. Marriages deteriorate when spouses become guests, not hosts. They expect to be served rather than to serve. Hosts even talk differently to guests than guests do to hosts. Don’t hate me…but I don’t like cats yet I wouldn’t talk to a stray cat the way that some spouses speak to each other.
Opposites attract and that’s a blessing. Jane is from Michigan, I’m from Atlanta. She grew up in the country and had a mile-long driveway. I grew up in the city. Jane is an extrovert and loves meeting new people. I’m an introvert and can feel drained by being with people. Jane loves a very planned life and schedule. I’m spontaneous and am more of a “go with the flow” type. Jane is time oriented and rarely late. I’m event-oriented, which simply means that I don’t move on to the next thing until the present one is done. I think that the last time that I was early was for our wedding. Yet, rather than these becoming sources of irritation, they’ve become what Scripture calls “iron sharpening iron,” helping us both grow.
What originally attracted you is still there. If most couples would take a step back, they’d find that what irritates them about their spouse is about five or ten percent of the marriage. 90% though is fantastic! But what do they focus on – that small percentage. And frequently what drives them crazy are the very things that originally attracted them. For example, one of the things that attracted me to Jane is that she is so kind. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was in business, I was nicknamed “the butt kicker.” Yet I’m not sure I’ve seen Jane angry more than five times in forty years and none of them (amazingly so) were at me. Jane was originally attracted to my assertiveness but there were times that my assertiveness embarrassed her. Thankfully we’ve both grown in grace, yet those same traits are still there. Instead of being annoyances, they’ve become traits of gratitude.
If you fight, keep it clean. Periodically, a couple will tell you that they never fight. Mark it down – they’re either lying, very boring, or highly medicated. Disagreements and fights help us grow. But in forty years the word “divorce” has never been used by either of us, even as a joke. My mentor, Dad Cummins, taught us that. Dad married us and did our pre-marital counseling. Most of us fight like our parents did instead of biblically. They were our greatest teachers of what marriage was like for the first years of life. My Dad was a rageaholic, interestingly, so was his Dad. Jane and I have learned to keep it toned down. It’s hard to get very angry when you talk softly. You must also avoid becoming “historical.” In the midst of the conflict, it’s tempting to bring up past grievances that have nothing to do with the present issue for extra ammo. Then, keeping it private is vital. Other than our children, very few know that we’ve had any disagreements. But some couples take pleasure in airing their dirty laundry, looking for allies. They do pay back when they have an audience to shame their mate. God’s Word commands us to not “let the sun go down on our anger” (Ephesians 4:26). A healthy marriage keeps it cleaned up. That means it’s wrong to hold grudges or pull off some ongoing silent treatment.
Have a united front. Too often when a couple is having issues, they think that the solution is to have a baby. It’s not. Children are the great dividers. Because we tend to believe the way that we were raised is the best one, children learn early to play Mom and Dad against each other. Parents will disagree on parenting styles, just do it privately, not in front of your children. The same is true with marital disagreements, like in-laws or holidays. Stay united and keep disagreements private.
When you draw closer to the God of love, you’ll draw closer to each other. Do you know what the percentage of divorce is for a couple who prays together? Less than 10%. That’s one reason the Bible teaches that Christians must marry Christians. You can’t pray together if you don’t have the same Heavenly Father. A personal devotional life is essential to a healthy marriage. As we individually spend time in God’s Word and in prayer, we love God more. In love, He corrects us, which is often in how we’ve wronged someone, frequently our spouse. Think of it as a triangle with God at the peak and you and your spouse at the far angles. As you move closer to God, you’re moving closer to each other.
There’s a lot more. The bottom line is that both Jane and I believe that based on Scripture believers should have the happiest and most fulfilled marriages. That’s because we have resources lost folk don’t have – the Holy Spirit indwelling us, God’s Word guiding us and a local church family encouraging us! Forty years ago we said, “till death do us part.” We meant it and we’d do it all over again, yet it’s all by God’s grace!!
Can
we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web
page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more
about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus
changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org
to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.
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