Never Bad Mouth Your Spouse

 

“Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but words will break our hearts.” Robert Fulghum

 

When I see this, it grieves me…the harsh way some married couples talk to each other. Best-selling author, Shaunti Feldhahn, shares this experience:
  I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate we’re going to miss the show with the kids.” Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.” “Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”

  Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing — not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone. I found myself thinking, “Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?” Later when I finished a major research study to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement part wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
  Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but this year instead of going on a big date, buying flowers or some special gift – do something that can transform your marriage – Change how you talk to your spouse!
  The Bible says a lot about how we talk. It’s amazing how our conversation with our spouse changes if someone is present that we’d be embarrassed if they heard our normal conversations. Too many of us, after we’ve been married a few years, fall into destructive ruts of how we talk to each other. “To love and cherish” is a lifetime commitment. We used to talk kindly when we were dating, but we’ve forgotten – and it costs us.
  Someone is probably reading this thinking, “I talk to them the way that they talk to me” or “I’ll change, if they change.” But God holds each of us accountable for ourselves. The vital questions are: Who does God want me to be in this marriage? Am I pleasing the One who died for me? Would you talk that way if you knew that Jesus was listening…because He is.
  Kindness in the way we talk is an overflow of a heart of love that seeks the good of the other. Too many marriages sound like a comic sitcom. Many speak nicer to their pet. Please know that I’m a fellow-sinner here. I’m ashamed of how I’ve spoken to Jane at times and am so thankful that God is the God of grace and forgiveness. Let me share some negatives and positives on marital communication.   
  Never use derogatory names. When I was a child, if I said certain words my mother would wash my mouth out with soap. Obscene names for your spouse are evil. So, are derogatory terms like stupid, dummy or idiot. She’s not your “old lady” and he’s not your “old man.”
  Kill the Sarcasm. If you want to improve your marriage, kill sarcasm. Sarcasm is hostility disguised as humor. Despite smiling outwardly, the victim of sarcastic comments feels put down. The origin of the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” Its why sarcasm is often preceded by the word “cutting.” Sarcasm cuts and hurts.
  Watch your tone, volume and speed of your words. Kindness has a tone. Cruelty and harshness also have one, a bad one. Have you ever noticed that angry people are usually loud? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Then, slow it down. Listen to lovers talking. They speak very carefully and slowly with each other. It’s hard to speak lovingly when your words are coming out rapid fire like a machine gun. So, how should we talk to our spouse?
   Listen first. James 1:19 says, “let every person be quick to hear.” Most of us need to learn to truly listen. Often one spouse talks or processes slower than the other and their mate grows impatient. So, never finish someone else’s sentence. Listen to understand, not to think about what you’re going to say next. Understanding requires the same definitions. For example, when Jane and I were first married, vacation meant something totally different to each of us. Jane’s family often went camping. I hate camping. For me, roughing it was going to a hotel and the hot water didn’t work.  

  Speak relationally. Many couples think they communicate but they only share information, like who’s picking up the kids or what they need from the store…and then frequently by text. In a relational conversation we share our heart. We share wants, dreams, hurts, fears, likes, and dislikes. We’re safe with each other and those conversations can bring insight and even healing. Oftentimes we’ve been beaten up by this world. It’s our mate who can share God’s grace when we’re hurting. As Jack Miller said, “God’s grace flows downhill to the low places, not uphill to the put-together places.” And shouldn’t the number one person that you’re praying for be your spouse? Do you ever ask them, “How can I pray for you?”
  Listen for the nonverbal cues. This takes time. You can tell when a couple has been married a few years and are still in love. They can hear each other’s unspoken words. A look, a facial expression, even a small sigh can speak volumes. Lovers hear the unspoken words.
  Have your own language. Jane and I have words that are associated with funny memories that just the word will either bring a smile or a burst of laughter. She’s the only one who calls me “Honey.” Sometimes a waitress will call me as a customer, “Honey.” For me that’s a special word. It just doesn’t fit when anyone else besides Jane calls me that.
  Healthy marital communication won’t just happen. It takes work. It takes God’s love and grace flowing through us but it’s so worth it!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

 

 

"That's just your interpretation..."

“The shortest road to an understanding of the Bible is the acceptance of the fact that God is speaking in every line.” Donald Grey Barnhouse

  As the global market opened in the 1990’s international marketers had some monumental cross-cultural miscommunication blunders concerning brand names and slogans. For example, Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase meant, “Bite the wax tadpole.” Then, in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan, “Finger-lickin’ good” came out as, “Eat your fingers off.” In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan, “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as, “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.” When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its advertisements were supposed to say, “It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.”  However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word embarazar meant embarrass. Instead the advertisement said, “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

  Clear communication is vital. And nowhere is it more vital than in the clear communication of God’s Word. At Grace Church, we prefer the term understanding in relation to studying the Bible rather than interpretation. We don’t want to be accused of “that’s your interpretation.” It’s why we’re committed to understanding what God has written and Scripture says. God’s Word is not soft clay to be molded, shaped or re-shaped according to our whims, presuppositions or culture. It’s God’s Word. We’re committed to understanding what He’s written, not imposing our own interpretation.

  2 Timothy 2:15 commands us, “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.” The Bible is God’s “word of truth.” Truth is accurate, objective and knowable. If a carpenter came to your home without a level, square, tape measure or a set of plans, you’d be concerned. If you asked him about his methods and he responded, “We all have different ways of seeing things. No way is absolutely right. Who’s to say that your house has to be plumb and square?”—you’d be very concerned! You want your house built carefully and accurately according to the plans. God’s Word is not the sort of thing where one person can see it one way and another can see it another, and ultimately, it doesn’t matter because no one can really know what it means.

  Every biblical text has a fixed meaning that’s true and never changes. It’s imperative that we study, seeking to discover the meaning of each text. Otherwise, we’re sloppy workmen and should be ashamed.

  “Rightly handling” means “to cut a road in a straight direction, so that the traveler may go directly to his destination.” To use a farming metaphor, it means plowing a straight furrow. The idea is to focus and accurately cut through the words of Scripture, so we reach the destination of godliness.

  Change doesn’t come from feeling good or liking certain ideas that we think come from Scripture. Change comes when we’re confronted with God’s truth and submit our lives to it. All of us, and especially those who teach, must be skillful and accurate so Scripture is clearly understood. How can you obey, apply and submit to God’s truth if you don’t understand it? The application of Scripture to our lives is what brings about life change.

  Today we’re returning to our study of Luke’s Gospel, Finding Jesus. Because we hold a high view of Scripture, we’re committed to what’s known as “expository preaching.” Expository preaching is firmly rooted in God’s Word. It means that the text of Scripture is the starting and ending point of the message. The biblical text is the foundation for the sermon’s theme and shape. A clear understanding of the biblical text is a prerequisite. Application must be rightly related to what God intended to convey, not some pastoral hobby horse. The point of the passage must be the point of the sermon. God wants people to hear from Him, not us.

  Expository preaching is not a lecture or meandering through a passage. It’s preaching that sees the goal of the sermon as conveying the truth the Holy Spirit intended in giving the Word. It’s a necessary corollary of the doctrine of the God-breathed nature (2 Timothy 3:16) of Scripture. The idea is not so much that God breathed into the Scriptures, but that the Scriptures are the product of His breathing out. Independent of what we may feel about the Bible as we read it, Scripture maintains a “breath of God” quality. The preacher must make God’s Word understandable and limit himself to Scripture without adding or subtracting to fit his own perspective. Expository preaching is the method least likely to stray from Scripture by keeping to the main thing. It also teaches the congregation how to read their Bibles and how to think through a passage to understand and apply Scripture to their own lives. It gives confidence to the preacher and authorizes the sermon. He’s not sharing his opinions. When the preacher is faithful to the text, he’s confident his message is God's message, and it forces the preacher to handle the tough truths in a text.

  When Jim Elliot, the famed missionary martyr, was a student at Wheaton, he wrote in his diary, “My grades came through this week, and were, as expected, lower than last semester. However, I make no apologies, and admit I’ve let them drag a bit for study of the Bible, in which I seek the degree A.U.G., ‘approved unto God.’” May we have that same commitment of preaching, teaching and applying of God’s truth to our own lives so that we may be “approved unto God.” 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

You can't have your wedding cake and eat it, too

“Christians are supposed to be conspicuously holy, not for our own reputation but for God’s. We are to be the light of the world, so that when people see our good deeds they will glorify God.”   Mark Dever

  Have you used the Buy/Sell/Trade Sites on Facebook? You can find some real deals. Last Tuesday, June 28^th, was Jane’s birthday and yesterday, July 2^nd, was our 33^rd Anniversary. All that partying and gift-giving gets expensive. So I’m scanning these sites and stumbled on an elderly couple celebrating their 50^th wedding anniversary. They’d planned a big celebration, purchased a huge cake BUT way overbought. Only a few friends were able to make it. So they’re stuck with all this cake with just a few slices missing. They’re on a fixed income and need money, so they listed this “used anniversary cake” for a song. I got a deal! They assured me, too, no one licked the knife and none of their friends have any communicable diseases…that they know of. So celebrate with us. It’s our anniversary weekend and we got a deal on this barely used cake. Join us in the coffee café for a piece of hardly used anniversary cake. You can barely see their names, Earline & Ralph, with the extra frosting covering them.

  If we announced there was “used” cake today, other than a few junior high boys who will eat anything, there wouldn’t be a long line for cake. Why is it we’re so concerned with purity when it comes to food, yet so casual about it when it comes to sexual intimacy?

  Before you read further, concluding I just stepped out of the Dark Ages, this particular column is only for those who know Jesus as their Lord and Savior, for those who have a personal relationship with Him, want to be obedient and please Him. They’re concerned about holiness. If you don’t know Jesus, while having sex outside of marriage has serious sociological and emotional ramifications, those concerns are minor compared to your greatest need of salvation. Those in God’s family are very concerned about pleasing Him and desire His blessing on their life and marriage.

  Because our culture is so oversexualized, our identity is no longer found in that we’re human beings made in God’s image. Instead, we’re primarily identified by our sex organs. Sexual behavior is our most talked about, joked about and considered our most valuable trait. Some 90% of sexual relations in the media are between unmarried individuals. Sex outside of marriage is promoted as healthy, natural and normal. That’s not what the Bible teaches. It’s instead a naturalistic worldview, not God’s viewpoint.

  God designed sex. Sexual intimacy is to be pleasurable and practiced often within marriage. During pre-marital counseling, I’ll ask couples: How do you spell sex? F-U-N! Sadly, too many have embraced a godless world’s viewpoint when it comes to sexuality. They’ll say things like “the Bible never says it’s wrong, I’ve studied it.” Or, the ultimate spiritual one upmanship, “We prayed about it.” Often, there’s little or no shame, even if they move in together. The greater tragedy is when Christian parents or grandparents give them their blessing. One colleague in ministry, prior to marriage, was encouraged by his future wife’s parents to move in with each other. It was the unmarried Christian couple who said, “No.” Rarely does anyone stop to consider that this is disobedience to God or the long term cost to the couple. Frankly, I think most parents would be more upset if their kids stole a candy bar, than they are with their children’s immoral behavior. No one seems to put together our epidemic emotional and mental health issues, exorbitant divorce rate, or rising violent and sexual crime rate with contemporary society’s laissez-faire attitude toward sexual intimacy.

  Please don’t take my word for it, examine for yourself what God’s Word says. Here are several passages which make it unequivocally clear any sexual relationship outside of marriage is wrong: Acts 15:20, 1 Corinthians 5:1, 6:13, Galatians 5:19, Ephesians 5:3 and Hebrews 13:4 to name a few.

  Sex is a gift from God to be pursued and enjoyed within the proper parameters of marriage. Playing in the sandbox may feel good, but it can’t compare to a day at the beach. In the same way, sex outside of marriage feels good, but that doesn’t mean it is good. Please pursue a greater pleasure. So why should anyone wait until marriage?

   Your relationship will be built on love that’s real, substantial, and stable. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. Many mistake feelings of pleasure for love. When you differentiate between love and sex, you love a person, not because of how you feel or what they do for you. You become spiritually, mentally and emotionally connected first. Sex within marriage is much more fulfilling and secure. It’s not about self or performance but love for your partner, meeting their needs and having yours met.  

  Waiting for sex helps control lust.  It greatly strengthens your trust in each other. The foundation of a healthy marriage is trust. When you resist sexual temptation with someone you love today, it helps build fences to not become sexually involved with someone who attracts you later. All of us find ourselves attracted to someone else from time to time.

  You become better communicators. What’s a continual problem in most marriages? Communication. When you wait, you build a communication foundation first. A married couple should be best friends, know each other better than anyone else, trust each other with inside information, trust even when flaws in our lives are exposed. It’s an intimacy sex alone can never achieve. Better communication even means more productive “fighting.” Issues are easier to resolve. We’re safe, comfortable and open with each other, and can express our emotions and needs better.

  You’re fighting for (and earning) that 1^st piece of wedding cake and amazing sex for your future marriage. Imagine your first night together after waiting, fighting temptation, growing in faith, knowing the deep emotional and spiritual love you have, and finally getting to have guilt-free and blessed by God sexual intimacy! It’s powerful and incomparable! It lowers feelings of self-consciousness, knowing how deeply you are loved!

  God designed sex for marriage and is the Designer we’re accountable to for all of our behavior, including sexuality. Marriage is the only covenant relationship where sexual expression is supposed to flourish. Scripture limits sex to within marriage only because sex is an expression of the lifetime covenantal union between husband and wife. When a relationship is merely a “test drive” both parties ask themselves stuff like, “Am I good enough?” or “Am I settling when I should be looking for someone better?” 

  Perhaps though you’ve already blown it. With our gracious God, it’s never too late to make the decision to pursue purity. Christ died for our sins. His grace is sufficient. All you must do is repent and commit, leaving old ways behind and following Jesus’ plan for your life (Ephesians 4:22-24). Then, you’ll find lasting and enduring joy. God Himself promises this!


Looking for quality used Christian books and other types of books at prices lower than even Amazon. Check out our family's online used bookstore at resurrectedreads.com or visit our store at the Waterford Unique Antique Market at 209 North Milwaukee Street in Waterford, WI --  262.534.3500. 

If this is the Communication Age...whatever happened to the communication?

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Recently, Jane and I bought a new dish. Okay, it’s not really ours. And while it’s something you use, you can’t eat off of it…though you can eat in front of it, or at least you can eat in front of what it serves up to you.

  For some time, we’d had the most basic cable plan. But as Time Warner began to lose more and more stations, and kept raising our monthly bill higher and higher, we finally decided to switch. (And yes, I know that I’m a pastor and should only be reading my Bible and praying 24/7 BUT I really do like NCIS. Does it get me off the hook if I also watch the Packers periodically? :) ).

  But all of a sudden, for less money, we went from 20 channels to 120. We now have at least two jewelry stations, a horse racing channel and even the Weather Channel (I’ll be glued to that one come January). To make certain that the one eyed monster increases my spirituality, there are several religious channels as well…even a Prayer Channel. I figured it out. I can watch every channel in a 24 hour period, but only for 12 minutes a channel.

  Do you remember in the movie, You’ve Got Mail, how excited Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan would get when they received an email? Well, the excitement is long over. Do you find yourself ignoring more emails these days? When you do open one, do you find you skim, only to discover later that you missed some vital information? How many times though do you check your email a day? Compare that to how many times we receive “snail mail.” Can you imagine someone going out to their mailbox every hour to see if some new piece of mail might have arrived? Yet, many of us check our email several times an hour.

  Does it bother you when you see people that are “over connected”? They’re ranks are growing. They’re everywhere. I notice it most when I go out to eat. I’ll be sitting at my table and I’ll look over and see what is obviously a couple. One or both of them is texting away on their phones, having a conversation with someone possibly hundreds of miles away, yet ignoring the person sitting right across from them at the table. Sometimes they are even so gauche as to actually talk on their phone to someone miles away while ignoring the person that they’re sharing a meal with.

  When the Blackberry came out, they were referred to as the “Crackberry,” because owners were addicted to their little screens. But the infection has spread so that now someone who doesn’t have a smartphone is considered a caveman. There’s even smartphone envy where you find yourself coveting the more up to date one with the latest features.

  The truth is that Communication Age is aging us…at the very least, it’s stressing us out. And I haven’t even mentioned Facebook, Twitter, Instant Messaging or the thousands of radio stations we have available. Is it any wonder that there is an epidemic of IOF (Information Overload Fatigue)?

  My two favorite words are “Honey” and “Dad.” When I’m referred to by either of those two names, I try to listen up. Yet, I find that often I can be so overwhelmed with all of the other communication channels that I miss out on my two favorite “channels.” I’ve had to take some proactive steps. I try to put my phone or laptop away. Turn off the TV (muting it doesn’t work for me…too many eye candy distractions). But I know that I’m suffering from IOF when Jane or one of my kids says, “But I told you about…” and I’d totally missed it.

  All of us deal with IOF. We’re bombarded with communication from countless sources. That poses a big challenge for us here at church, particularly right now.

  We’ve come to one of the most important moments in the history of our church. There’s a lot of information that we’re seeking to communicate clearly and in a very timely manner. So we need you, as part of the church family, to listen very carefully and to process this information.

  Because we know the cultural struggle that we have with IOF, we’ll be repeating, working through, defining and explaining much of the information again and again. We want to make certain that everyone hears and understands what we’re seeking to do and where we’re seeking to go.

  Please understand, this is NOT about us. We truly believe that if we’re going to be and do what God has called us to do; we must take these next spiritual steps forward. We are at a historical crossroads in our ministry. We have a both a tremendous opportunity and an awesome responsibility.

  So what can you do? Listen. It’s that simple. Yet, none of us want you to just listen just to us. The most important voice that you must listen to is the still, small voice of the Spirit of God in your own heart (Psalm 46:10; 1 Kings 19:11-13). I’m confident that if each of us will do that, and if we’ll come humbly and obediently before the Lord, we’ll move forward with this next step for our church.

  I know that God wants us to be more effective in making disciples of Jesus Christ. We’ve been limping for a long time. We’ve been attempting to use a 1955 tool of a building that greatly handicaps us.

  All around us are lost individuals looking for answers, reason, hope, love, forgiveness. Most don’t even know what they’re looking for. They just know that what they have is leaving them empty.

  We have the living water that satisfies thirsty souls (John 4:13-14). We have a Great Commission given to us by King Jesus to share that living water with everyone, whenever and wherever we can. That’s what this is all about, that’s what Building Changed Lives Together is about. It’s about reaching our community, our loved ones, our friends and neighbors for Christ. It’s about pleasing King Jesus and hearing Him say, “Well, done, good and faithful servants.”