The Story of Us

 “Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Till death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise – the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.”  John Piper 

I never imagined on a hot summer day on July 2, 1983, that Jane and I would someday be married for forty years. Please understand. We meant our vows, “till death do us part,” yet when you’re in your twenties, imagining what life and marriage will be like in your sixties is a bit like dreaming about space travel.
  We don’t have a perfect marriage and have had our share of marital storms. We know full well that we’re both sinners and desperately in need of God’s grace and will be to our last breath. There are some things though that we’ve learned in four decades together. Maybe they will help you in your own marital journey.
  A healthy marriage has two hosts. Jane and I dated once in college and then found each other again after she had graduated and was teaching in the Chicago suburbs. I’d left college and was saving money to return and finish by doing commercial roofing…in Chicago. We reconnected and like most couples, we bent over backwards for each other. We were perfect hosts, working to continually please the other because that’s what a host does.
  But when you’re a guest at a hotel, you don’t make the bed or hang up wet towels. Marriages deteriorate when spouses become guests, not hosts. They expect to be served rather than to serve. Hosts even talk differently to guests than guests do to hosts. Don’t hate me…but I don’t like cats yet I wouldn’t talk to a stray cat the way that some spouses speak to each other.
  Opposites attract and that’s a blessing. Jane is from Michigan, I’m from Atlanta. She grew up in the country and had a mile-long driveway. I grew up in the city. Jane is an extrovert and loves meeting new people. I’m an introvert and can feel drained by being with people. Jane loves a very planned life and schedule. I’m spontaneous and am more of a “go with the flow” type. Jane is time oriented and rarely late. I’m event-oriented, which simply means that I don’t move on to the next thing until the present one is done. I think that the last time that I was early was for our wedding. Yet, rather than these becoming sources of irritation, they’ve become what Scripture calls “iron sharpening iron,” helping us both grow.
  What originally attracted you is still there. If most couples would take a step back, they’d find that what irritates them about their spouse is about five or ten percent of the marriage. 90% though is fantastic! But what do they focus on – that small percentage. And frequently what drives them crazy are the very things that originally attracted them. For example, one of the things that attracted me to Jane is that she is so kind. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was in business, I was nicknamed “the butt kicker.” Yet I’m not sure I’ve seen Jane angry more than five times in forty years and none of them (amazingly so) were at me. Jane was originally attracted to my assertiveness but there were times that my assertiveness embarrassed her. Thankfully we’ve both grown in grace, yet those same traits are still there. Instead of being annoyances, they’ve become traits of gratitude.
  If you fight, keep it clean. Periodically, a couple will tell you that they never fight. Mark it down – they’re either lying, very boring, or highly medicated. Disagreements and fights help us grow. But in forty years the word “divorce” has never been used by either of us, even as a joke. My mentor, Dad Cummins, taught us that. Dad married us and did our pre-marital counseling. Most of us fight like our parents did instead of biblically. They were our greatest teachers of what marriage was like for the first years of life. My Dad was a rageaholic, interestingly, so was his Dad. Jane and I have learned to keep it toned down. It’s hard to get very angry when you talk softly. You must also avoid becoming “historical.” In the midst of the conflict, it’s tempting to bring up past grievances that have nothing to do with the present issue for extra ammo. Then, keeping it private is vital. Other than our children, very few know that we’ve had any disagreements. But some couples take pleasure in airing their dirty laundry, looking for allies. They do pay back when they have an audience to shame their mate. God’s Word commands us to not “let the sun go down on our anger” (Ephesians 4:26). A healthy marriage keeps it cleaned up. That means it’s wrong to hold grudges or pull off some ongoing silent treatment.
  Have a united front. Too often when a couple is having issues, they think that the solution is to have a baby. It’s not. Children are the great dividers. Because we tend to believe the way that we were raised is the best one, children learn early to play Mom and Dad against each other. Parents will disagree on parenting styles, just do it privately, not in front of your children. The same is true with marital disagreements, like in-laws or holidays. Stay united and keep disagreements private.  
  When you draw closer to the God of love, you’ll draw closer to each other. Do you know what the percentage of divorce is for a couple who prays together? Less than 10%. That’s one reason the Bible teaches that Christians must marry Christians. You can’t pray together if you don’t have the same Heavenly Father. A personal devotional life is essential to a healthy marriage. As we individually spend time in God’s Word and in prayer, we love God more. In love, He corrects us, which is often in how we’ve wronged someone, frequently our spouse. Think of it as a triangle with God at the peak and you and your spouse at the far angles. As you move closer to God, you’re moving closer to each other.
  There’s a lot more. The bottom line is that both Jane and I believe that based on Scripture believers should have the happiest and most fulfilled marriages. That’s because we have resources lost folk don’t have – the Holy Spirit indwelling us, God’s Word guiding us and a local church family encouraging us! Forty years ago we said, “till death do us part.” We meant it and we’d do it all over again, yet it’s all by God’s grace!!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

The first 33 years are the best!

 “If a commission by an earthly king is considered an honor, 

how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?” David Livingstone

 

  Last week I learned that a friend of mine had a staffing need at his church. I immediately thought of a young man I knew that I felt might fit the position and reached out to my young friend. He wasn’t really interested because it would mean he’d have to relocate from the state he grew up in. 

  As Jane and I discussed it, we chuckled. Many years ago we foolishly determined that there was one state that we did not want to pastor in. Someone wisely said, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.” Jane and I are so thankful and feel very blessed that God’s wiser plans overruled our limited ones.

  This weekend I’m beginning my 34^th year of ministry as your pastor. The national average for a tenure for a pastor is five years. (I always was a bit of an overachiever). There is no place on earth that Jane and I would rather be than serving the Lord at Grace Church. Jane and I believe that we are in the greatest church in the world.

  It seems like it was only yesterday that we pulled up in our U-Haul truck from Detroit. At other times it feels like we’ve been here all of our lives. I do know that we wouldn’t trade it. This is our home. You are our family! We love this community!

  We are blessed with lifelong friends. Earlier this week a man who attended Grace many years ago contacted me just to see how things were going at Grace. He came to Christ at Grace. Though we haven’t see each other in well over a decade, we’re still friends and brothers in Christ.

  When Jane and I travel, if we can, we’ll get together with friends who moved but were once part of the Grace family. God allowed us the privilege of ministering to them and then moved them to another part of His harvest field. What a joy to see how they’re continuing to walk with the Lord, serving Him and seeking to make a difference for His Kingdom.

  Each Sunday my heart is moved as I look out and see the faces of those that the Lord has given me the privilege of being a part of their coming to Christ, or seeing them grow spiritually or had the privilege of baptizing them. Susan Riddle, our church clerk, who is the master of all statistics recently shared with me that with the addition of those recently baptized, I’ve now baptized 200 people at Grace Church. God is so good!

  I’ve had the joy of dedicating countless parents and babies to the Lord. I’ve lost track of how many weddings. You do feel a tad ancient when the children of someone whose wedding you officiated now has college-age children and a slew of grandchildren.

  When you’ve walked with someone through a valley or difficulty, there’s a lifelong bond. What a privilege I’ve been given to be there, to pray with folk, often in their darkest hour and then seen the Lord wonderfully intervene. One of the burdens tinted with joy of a long pastorate is that you must often bury your friends. Yet, heaven is all the sweeter for us because we have many folk who have gone before us…and no doubt there will be more that will, as Bunyan said, cross over “to the Celestial City.” For a pastor who understands his biblical calling, the ministry isn’t a job. Being a pastor means being there for people when their burdens are so heavy to help them carry the load (Galatians 6:2).

  An old rabbi asked a faithful student, “Do you love me?” The student answered, “Yes, you know I do.” “Then do you know what causes me pain?” “No.” “If you’re not close enough to know what causes me pain,” said the rabbi, “then you are not close enough to love me.”

  Being a pastor means that you’re close to people and willingly share their pain. It means being there when someone is struggling with their marriage or a wayward child. It means being there when someone received a medical prognosis of an incurable disease or impending death. It means being there to help someone turn to the Lord and marshal enough courage to pick up the pieces after failure and disgrace. It means being there when someone struggles with doubt or fear or other burdens.  

  We are blessed with a fantastic team. Many of our leaders have now served the Lord in their positions for years. We’re so blessed with godly committed Deacons: Dave Bonnar, Travis Brinks, Ryan Mattila, Ron Strelow, and Mike Weimer. Their counsel, commitment, and discernment is a gift to our church and to me. Rick Hall, as our church treasurer, and Karyn Borucki, as our Financial Secretary, love the Lord and passionately use their gifts to serve Him. And what would our church do without James Hauser, Gary Thompson, Susan Riddle, Jane Carson, and Mike Wiemer. They don’t serve our church for money but because they love the Master. 

  We are blessed with kindred spirits in ministry. Each week I pray for a list of pastors and churches. Many of them serve in our community. They’re not competitors, they’re co-laborers. They have our passion. They want to see people come to Christ and know what it is to be forgiven and on their way to heaven. I’m blessed to have many of them as close friends.

  We are blessed with a community that we love. Dorothy was right, “there’s no place like home.” Jane and I have now lived in three different homes in this community and have dear friends from each neighborhood.

  Many of our community leaders are close friends. It’s a privilege to pray for them and seek to encourage and support them.

  One of the blessings of a smaller community is that you’re often on a first-name basis with many local business owners, managers, or employees. You’re not some nameless customer but doing business and interacting with a friend. It’s a privilege to refer others to them because you know they’ll receive quality service from your friends.

  33 years of serving the Lord in a church family that you love and a community that you love! I’m a very rich man!

  If you study Scripture, you’ll find that the Bible tells us more about what isn’t in heaven, than what is there. One thing that I know, God has allowed Jane and I a little taste of heaven now by allowing us the privilege of serving Him these many years here at Grace. We are so blessed!  

 

 Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Sometimes my wife, Jane, can be so annoying...

“Is it not lamentable that men will never thank God for the countless blessings He confers upon them, and then remember Him only to complain of the evils which they have brought upon themselves, and which are never half so great as their misconduct deserves?” 

John Broadus

  Thanksgiving is that season of the year when my wife, Jane, can be a real source of irritation for me. Complaining about Jane is not something I typically do, yet most people have no idea of how much I suffer. The Thanksgiving Season highlights this obnoxious behavior of hers more than any other time of year. So let me share my “thorn in the marriage.”

  All of us have our standard approach to life…and that’s where we have an issue. Jane habitually approaches life with gratitude whereas I, sadly, too often approach life with grumbling. Since we first got married, I’ve grown and become much, more quiet about it. And I don’t mean to shock any of you, but when Jane and I were first married, there were times when we’d be out shopping and the ineptness and incompetence of some local store (at least in my professional opinion J) irritated me. So I’d become a little loud in letting those around me know that I thought that this was completely unacceptable. Rather than chiming in and supporting my whining, Jane would hurry her pace and walk quite a bit ahead of me…almost like she didn’t know me or want to be seen with me. It was completely gauche but I soon got the hint.

  Praise the Lord! I’ve come a long way since then…unfortunately, I still have a long ways to go. Yet, I’m very thankful that both the Lord and Jane are so patient. Maybe that’s why I’m so thankful that in heaven we’ll spend so much time being thankful and praising the Lord. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

  God’s Word commands us to be consistently thankful (Ouch!). In writing to the Thessalonian Christians who were suffering intense persecution, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I wonder how they received that. It sounds nice enough in church, until you find yourself in difficult, even painful circumstances. Then, God’s Word can feel a bit like an insensitive platitude.

  “How can I be thankful when _________?” Countless scenarios complete the sentence. “How can I be thankful when this is the first Thanksgiving since my Mom died? How can I be thankful when I’m so depressed? How can I be thankful when I’m in the middle of chemotherapy? How can I be thankful when I’m not even sure if I’ll have food for dinner tonight?”

  Those are honest questions, ones honest believers have asked throughout the ages. Add to that, some of us struggle more with gratitude than others. Yet, as believers, most would really like to feel grateful, yet their life circumstances seem to make genuine gratitude impossible. They feel stuck in discouragement and despair.

  If we take the book of Psalms as a model for prayer, then we should certainly feel free, even obligated, to share with the Lord our hurts, frustrations and disappointments. Genuine prayer is not putting a happy face on our true feelings. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, or feeling afraid because you’re facing a serious illness, you should certainly share those feelings with your Heavenly Father. Being thankful in all circumstances doesn’t mean pretending or denying.

  It does mean though that we must look beyond our circumstances. Gratitude comes when we look at the bigger picture, when we remember the multitude of ways in which we’re blessed, even if we’re also feeling sadness, fear or whatever else seems inconsistent with being thankful. It means realizing that everything we experience in this life is temporary!  

  As I was writing this, I received a phone call that my adopted Mom (Mary Cummins) had been rushed to the hospital. Last week she had a stroke. She was doing better and had been moved to rehab. Yet, now she has pneumonia, is having trouble breathing and has congestive heart failure. It’s very likely that she’ll be going Home soon. None of us who love her would for the briefest moment want to prolong her suffering. Ever since the Lord called Dad Cummins Home, she’s been lost without him. In recent years she’s suffered from dementia and confusion. I’ve wondered if possibly her heart was so broken with the loss of the love of her life, that it was God’s gift to her to help her cope with a broken heart.

  Yet, I praise God for Mom Cummins. At some of the lowest points of my life, she and Dad Cummins were there for me with grace and strength. So I’m able to offer genuine thanks without denying the sadness of loss.

  Yet, what about believers who are in the midst of suffering right now? Can they be truly grateful? My answer is “Yes.” How do I know this? Because I’ve seen it time and again in God’s Word, in my own life and in my pastoral ministry. I’ve watched people in the midst of a horrible crisis nevertheless be able to express authentic thanks to God.

  That ability to look beyond our immediate circumstances is itself a gift of God’s grace. If you’re struggling to be grateful, ask the Lord to give you a fresher and truer perspective on your life, to help you see life from His perspective. Allow yourself enough time to remember and reflect upon God’s innumerable gifts. Most of all, think about who God is – that He’s your Father. Meditate upon His mercy and love. The more you do, the more you’ll find true gratitude growing and flowing from your heart.

  So while we don’t thank God for all things, we can thank Him in all things. When we pray, we can pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love, it’s gratitude. As we cultivate an attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, God in turn gives us more grace. It reduces both the pain and stress in life.

  And it’s not enough to pray and give thanks. We must follow up with that by choosing to change our mental diet. Most of us “meditate” on the negative. It’s imperative that we change the way we think, because the way we think determines how we feel. The way we feel determines how we act. 

  Scripture teaches that if you want to change your life, you must change what you’re thinking about. It requires a deliberate, conscious choice where you choose to think about the right things. We must choose to think on God, hope, His grace and Word. We must choose to think of God’s blessings and what we have to be grateful for. It’s simply obeying Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

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