Suicide: When the Unthinkable Becomes Real

 

“Some people suffer in silence, 

pain in the hearts but smiles on their faces.” Isha Barlas

 

  On January 30, 2022, Cheslie Kryst, committed suicide by jumping to her death from The Orion, the 60-story high-rise apartment building in Manhattan, where she lived. Her mother, April Simpkins released a statement, stating that Cheslie suffered from “high functioning depression.” Cheslie was 30 years old. 

  From a human perspective, Cheslie had everything going for her, everything that many long for and believe will bring them happiness and satisfaction. She was a model and a beauty pageant titleholder who was crowned Miss USA in May of 2019. She went on to finish in the top 10 of the Miss Universe 2019 competition. That same year, she and three other women became the first group of Black women in pageant history to hold all four major titles in a single year. Cheslie was also an attorney and had served as a correspondent for Extra from October 2019 until her death. For her work on Extra, she was nominated for two Daytime Emmy Awards. At the time of her death her net worth was estimated to be $5 million dollars.

  Following her death, the Extra correspondent’s family remembered her for inspiring others “around the world with her beauty and strength…Cheslie embodied love and served others, whether through her work as an attorney fighting for social justice, as Miss USA and as a host on Extra. But most importantly, as a daughter, sister, friend, mentor and colleague – we know her impact will live on.”

  Suicide is the 10^th leading cause of death in the United States. In 2019, there were an estimated 3.5 million people who planned a suicide, 1.4 million suicide attempts, and 47,511 suicide deaths. There were more than twice as many deaths by suicide than by homicide. Mental health problems and substance use are the most significant risk factors for suicidal behaviors. Stressful life events increase the risk of suicide.

  Suicide is the apex of hopelessness. Even in the Bible, there are at least six individuals who chose to end their own lives. Abimelech in Judges 9 asked his armor-bearer to kill him with a sword so people could not say a woman killed him. King Saul threw himself on his sword and his armor-bearer followed him in death after his sons died and he lost a battle against the Philistines. King David’s advisor, Ahithophel, chose suicide after his counsel to rebelling Absalom, David’s oldest son was rejected. The last suicide in the Old Testament was that of Zimri, a King of Israel. He’d only reigned one week before a military coup, so Zimri set himself and his palace ablaze. The only suicide in the New Testament is that of Judas.

  Many others Bible characters, including Moses, Elijah, King David, and the Apostle Paul expressed a desire to die. Many heroes in Christian History have struggled with deep depression, including Richard Baxter, Charles Spurgeon, and Dr. D. Martyn Lloyd Jones, to name a few.

  Many believers, weary of struggling, depression or dealing with the trials of life long for a premature death. Spurgeon struggled with physical pain and depression. I love his transparency and hope: “I find myself frequently depressed - perhaps more so than any other person here. And I find no better cure for that depression than to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and seek to realize afresh the power of the peace-speaking blood of Jesus, and His infinite love in dying upon the cross to put away all my transgressions.” On another occasion, observing the struggle of other Christians, Spurgeon insightfully said, “I note that some whom I greatly love and esteem, who are, in my judgment, among the very choicest of God’s people, nevertheless, travel most of the way to heaven by night.” I know that I have had my own bouts of “travelling to heaven by night.”

  While I truly appreciate those who encourage or post on social media that anyone who is having suicidal thoughts should reach out to them or call the suicide hotline, many though never will. So what can we do to help?

  As much as possible, build bridges, touch lives, be a sharer of hope. Personally, I don’t believe in accidental meetings but look at encounters as divine appointments. Wise are the words of the great Scottish preacher, John Watson, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” If anyone should be kind and known for kindness, it should be the people of God. Kindness doesn’t live in a test tube. It’s best shared in day-to-day life.

  Pray and then pray some more. When you know of a friend or acquaintance struggling, when you don’t know what else to do, pray for them. Pray for hope and healing. Ask the Lord to comfort and give your friend guidance. Invite your friend to share their heart with you and sit back and listen, and let them reveal their truth to God. Encourage them to speak about the specific things that may be hurting them. Encourage them to share a list of reasons they’re grateful. Be quiet as they answer.

  Make sure that they’re safe. If someone confides in you that they’re feeling suicidal, take it seriously. The very first step is to make sure they’re safe. Do not take what they say lightly in hopes that they won’t go through with it. Are they alone at home? Go over and sit with them. Are they threatening to harm themselves or others? Don’t hesitate to call for help from law enforcement. Call their family, roommate, or someone else you trust so that you can have extra hands on deck. While they might be angry at first, you can’t help a friend who is struggling that has ended their life.

  Help them find help. When someone is at such a low point that they’re having thoughts of death, it’s important that they get help. Some people are apprehensive to ask for help because they’re scared, feel they can handle it themselves or think they’re unworthy of assistance. Your willingness to aid them may be the only thing that nudges them to move forward. Gently ask and encourage them to get some help and have options of how they can. You might even offer to help by finding good therapists in the area. To someone with depression, these first steps can seem insurmountable.

  For the Christian, there will come a time when depression and anxiety will be fully and finally gone. When Christ returns, tears will be dried, brokenness healed, and mental illness banished, never to return. Until that day, we can rest in the simple, wonderful truths that God has declared over us: we are loved, we are held, we will be sustained until the end…and we’re all going to get Home before dark!

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Helping the Hurting

“True compassion is when you are the one who bears the burden and pays the price.”  J. Budziszewski

He was self-described as a “plodder.” William Carey is known as the father of modern missions. Once he said of himself: “If He [God] give me credit for being a plodder He will describe me justly. Anything beyond that will be too much. I can plod. I can persevere in any definite pursuit. To this I owe everything.” It’s hard for us to fathom that there was great resistance to evangelizing the world in the Church in the 1790’s. In spite of extreme opposition William Carey persevered and finally overcame the resistance to missionary effort and sailed for India where God greatly used him. What most don’t know is that he carried a heavy burden for much of his ministry.

  After losing their 5-year-old son, his wife, Dorothy, with her great grief, combined with physical ailments went over the brink of despair. She was considered insane and suffered from delusions. Sometimes she’d follow her husband into the streets berating him; other times she’d attack him physically. As the years passed, her condition worsened to the point that Carey confined her in a locked room. He worked on translating the Bible into local dialects in India during which according to an observer, “while an insane wife, frequently wrought up to a state of most distressing excitement, was in the next room.”

  John Wesley, the renowned preacher and evangelist, was a leader of a revival movement within the Church of England and is the founder of the Methodist Church, yet he suffered through a horrible marriage. His wife, Molly, grew very antagonistic of him, wrote critical letters and spied on him. She falsely accused him of adultery and gave his enemies material with which to slander him. A friend once entered a room unannounced to find her dragging Wesley across the floor by his hair. After years of conflict, Molly finally left him to never return. In 1771, John Wesley famously wrote in his journal of her in his only comment on his marriage: “I did not forsake her, I did not dismiss her, I will not recall her.”

  King David and Elijah wrestled with depression. The prophet Jonah had anger issues. Martin Luther and Charles Spurgeon, along with countless other believers have struggled with mental health issues.  

  All of this recently came to mind as a friend in the ministry recently shared with me that he’d given his church a glimpse into some of the struggles he and his wife had with one of their children. It was a very dark time from some years ago. Though it was so grievous for them, most of those in his church had no idea of the terrible suffering they’d endured.

  Often you’ll find that’s the case. Those who appear to have it all together, carry heavy burdens no one else is aware of. 

  But God never intended for us to carry our heartaches alone. Galatians 6:2 commands us, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” The truth is that none us have our act together. Not even the ones who seem to have such well-ordered lives. There are heartaches in every home and heart. We all struggle with heavy loads either from our own depravity or those inherent in a sin contaminated world.

  The picture in Galatians 6:2 is of a man staggering beneath a heavy load of grain. He must somehow get this grain home to his family, but is about to crumble beneath the heavy weight. A brother sees his distress and rushes to his aid, lifting a part of the burden and thereby easing the weight. Although the supportive friend doesn’t assume the whole load, his help allows the struggling one to carry it on to his destination. It’s what we’re commanded to do for each other. And it’s not optional, it’s a command. It’s what our Savior has and continues to do for us. Burden carrying is not just for those in leadership. Because of the cross we’re all family, sisters and brothers. We are all to come and help each other on our journey Home.  

  It will not happen without time together. You’ve probably had this experience. You’re in an urban area and a stranger approaches you and asks for some change. Or, you’re driving down the road, come to an intersection and someone is holding a sign, asking for money.

  Such obvious cries for help rarely happen in the church. Why? It’s difficult to admit to others, though we all have them, that we have a need. We’re quicker to ask for prayer for an illness, but even there many hesitate.

  It’s because trust takes time. You must spend time with someone before you start peeling back the masks, revealing chinks in your armor. You have to believe that someone is safe, that they won’t be judgmental or condescending if you share a struggle. 

  We need to first talk to the right Person after someone shares with us. We tend to be quick to offer advice. Most of us are far less knowledgeable than we think we are. The greatest needs someone has when they’ve shared a piece of their heart with us is not our words, it’s our prayer support. We don’t know all the variables, yet our Heavenly Father does. He knows exactly what’s going on, what He’s doing, and has a purpose and plan. We need to first carry their burden to Him before we attempt to help them.

  The greatest need someone has when they share a burden is for us to listen. Silence can be a wonderful precious gift, yet frequently it’s too rare. Job’s friends were the most helpful to him when they sat silently listening to him as he shared his pain. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t have any answers. The greatest need is frequently someone to actually listen so we can share our pain. We need to “know” what the Apostle James urges us to “know,” “know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19).

  We must recognize the vast difference between temporary human opinion and God’s eternal wisdom. One would never know listening to some pontificate that there’s not a moral “ought” when it comes to matters like education, vaccines, organic or non-organic foods, or whether to put noodles in chili. The Bible is clear about problem-solving, love, kindness, and being Spirit controlled. It’s not wrong to have strong opinions but we must be discerning and know what is “opinion” and what is God’s Truth!

  God created us for community. A vital part of that is caring for each other. Are you caring for others? Are you letting others care for you?

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

When the Pastor is in the Pits

“I guess that’s why they call it the blues…” Elton John

  October often triggers melancholia for me. There’s something about the coolness in the air, color changes and shifts in the season that find me a bit downcast. If I’m not careful, it can spiral downward into deep depression.

  I know that part of it is an “anniversary.” My birthday is in October, and when I was growing up, birthdays weren’t pleasant occasions. While I rarely think about the past, there is a cloud of regret of what might have been. For many years, I’d just deny those feelings. I’ve been very, very blessed in that Jane and my children have helped me move into “normal,” that a birthday is something to be celebrated, not dreaded. For many, that may sound simplistic yet when you grow up in an addictive/abusive home, nothing is simple and little is normal. Normal often becomes the abnormal.

  It might surprise some that pastors struggle with depression. It’s easy to forget that pastors are human, too. While we serve a “Super God,” there are no super Christians. It’s all part of a fallen world and what the Apostle Paul dubbed “common” (1 Cor. 10:13) to all of us. Most Christians struggle or have bouts of depression, and so do most pastors. While many pastors struggle with depression, most in their church have no idea their pastor is depressed. Too often they’re unaware until they’re awakened by the reality of some of the dramatic consequences of the depression: a fractured marriage, uncontrolled emotion (anger or sadness), a resignation and sometimes even suicide.

  Too many churches and pastors have been taught that depression is a sign of failure and is something that must be hidden from view. Apparently, those who purport such lies have never read the Psalms or Lamentations. 

  Noted church authority, Thom Ranier, suggests that there are five primary causes that pastors identified as the reasons behind their depression. Each of the causes is followed by a direct quote from pastors who shared with Ranier their struggles.

  Spiritual warfare. “I don’t mean this in a profane way, but there was a point in my ministry when all hell broke loose. I can’t explain the attacks any way other than spiritual warfare. The Enemy was intent on destroying my ministry, and I began to spiral downward emotionally.”

  The surprising reality of pastoral leadership. “I wish someone had told me how tough it is to be a pastor. My single counsel was to preach the Word, and I understand the priority of preaching. But, after a year or so in my first pastorate at age 31, I saw the underbelly of local church life. I was just caught off guard. And it took me some time before I realized I was truly depressed.”

  Sense of inadequacy. “My church is declining. While I don’t get hung up on numbers, my members started talking about the decline. And when we had to delete a position because we could no longer pay the person, I really begin to hit rock bottom. I felt like it was all my fault.”

  Critics and bullies. “Pastoral leadership really can be a death by a thousand cuts. It’s not any one person or criticism; it’s the constant and steady stream of criticisms. It wears on you. My depression came on gradually, so by the time I was in deep depression, I did not see it coming.”

  Loneliness. “It’s really hard to find a true friend when you are a pastor. And when you have no one to talk to about your struggles and questions, life can get lonely.”

  For me, I’d probably add, “Feeling that I’m not making a difference.” There are times that I second-guess myself and wonder if I’m making an impact. I have to remind myself that the harvest is the end of the age, not the end of the service or at the end of the year.

  No doubt many who are reading this also struggle with depression. While I don’t have all of the answers, I do know what helps me.

  I remind myself that God’s grace really is sufficient. That may sound like a pat answer, yet when I consider how that promise (2 Cor. 12:9) sustained the Apostle Paul who suffered more than I can begin to even fathom, then I seek to lean hard on that promise.

  I embrace it rather than seeking to escape it. I really love humor. I love to laugh. The valley of the shadow helps me be more contemplative. There are portions of Scripture that are more meaningful, music that touches me deeper, stories that resonate more when I’m a bit downcast.  

  I seek to look upward. I’m continually shocked at the darkness of my own soul and then I remember that my loving Heavenly Father knows all of that – and still loves me. He has given me grace upon grace. He is never surprised and loves me unconditionally. His grace truly awes me!

  I seek to look outward. When I’m depressed, I think about me, me, me…and then I’m really bummed. As I find ways to help, encourage and be a blessing to others, I find that I’m so encouraged. It can be simple things. The other day I was at a restaurant and learned my server’s story. Just listening to him as he shared the heartbreak of a divorce and seeking to encourage him, let him know that I would pray for him…encouraged me.

  I seek to express gratitude. I find that as I am thankful to God and others, my spirits begin to rise.

  Learn the seasons of your soul. I know that my “blue” time is usually the fall, so I plan a strategy. It begins with something simple – Get out of bed! Many years ago when I had a major bout with depression, I foolishly hid in bed, hoping perhaps I could sleep it away. That never works. 

  Then, I make myself go to the gym. I find exercise and socializing help.

  Even when it seems Scripture is dry, I make myself spend time in the Word and prayer. It’s not a spiritual marathon. Yet, since Jesus is the Great Physician and I’m having a bout with some soul sickness, I better spend time with the Doctor of my soul.
  Depression is a reality for many on this side of eternity. One of my greatest encouragements is that no matter how bad this world may get or difficult that life may seem – it’s all only temporary! I’m not Home yet!  

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

The Plague of Mid-life Disillusionment

“One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of what you thought was real.”

  Do you ever watch a movie and ask yourself: “What was the point?” Too many people live lives like that – “What’s the point?” While that type of thinking is understandable for an unbeliever without a biblical worldview of life, it should be foreign for a Christian. Sadly, it isn’t.

  Can we talk? This is not the typical conversation we have at the start of a new year. Since today is the first day of 2017, many see it as a brand new page…a chance to begin again with a clean slate. For too many though, it’s a reminder time is ticking by. Another year is gone; another one is here.

  Maybe in the past, you’d stay up late to welcome in the New Year. You used to be excited about the freshness, the potential opportunities…now not so much. Maybe you actually dread it.

  Too many Christians struggle with deep disillusionment. It’s nearly epidemic, particularly for middle aged believers. It’s also different in how this attacks the two genders. Basically, it’s disappointment with how life has turned out…and if we’re honest, it’s often disappointment with God. We just thought that things were going to be better, but they’re not, so we’re disappointed and disillusioned. Most probably won’t end up in the dark mental cave of a Jean-Paul Sartre who said “life is an empty bubble, floating on the sea of nothingness.” Yet, we may not be that far removed from such an outlook. Disillusionment is the mother of apathy, depression and despair. So let me share some generalizations and hope for you…

  Disillusionment for women. Often a middle-aged woman begins with a very different picture of how marriage and family were going to be than the one they’re living out. Even if it had not been their history, they still dreamed it would be their future. They pictured continual romance with a man who loved them. Not oceanic but warm and at times, still glowing. They dreamed of hand holding and romantic quiet escapes together. If they come from a Christian worldview, they may have pictured serving the Lord together, family devotions, sitting in church together worshipping as a family. Often the dream isn’t a nightmare, though that happens. But they find they’re more like roommates, business partners, rather than lovers.

  And they never, in their worst nightmare, dreamed their little bundle that they’d so longed for, that they went through so much pain to bring into this world, the one for whom they kissed every scraped knee and wiped so many tears away for…would one day barely mumble at them. Or, worse spit out horrible things with hate, anger and venom. Every day is a battle. They may feel imprisoned in their own home. They’re just so hurt and disillusioned. But sadly, most of the other wives and moms they know are living out lives similar to theirs, so there appears to be no hope.

  Disillusionment for men. It’s usually not on the home front where most middle-aged men become disillusioned. It’s in their career and work track. They may even be oblivious to how very unhappy their wife is.

  At one time they dreamed of finding fulfillment in their job. They were excited to go to work. At midlife, they thought they’d be much further along than they are. Now they realize their dreams will probably never be fulfilled. They’re just hoping to not be downsized, demoted, or terminated. They see others far less talented, being promoted ahead of them. They look toward retirement, not because they really want to. It’s a question of sanity. They need to have something to look forward to. Work is a grind. They drag through each day, week…year. They don’t really enjoy weekends or vacation because, in the end, they know they still have to go back to work.

  Unfortunately, this defeated army of the disillusioned men and women just settles. Rather than dealing with core issues, many settle by merely muddling through day after day. Some may jump into a new relationship or at least abandon the one they’re in. It’s why divorce rates spike in midlife. Others pour themselves into the weekend or some hobby, or attempt to live vicariously through their children. Some will self-medicate. Some attempt to anesthetize themselves with sports or entertainment. Anything, rather than their feelings of quiet desperation. Some even pour themselves into a pet or a grandchild. Tragically, a few give up all hope, ending it all.

  What’s the solution? Most of us don’t like the medicine. We want to be placated, not cured. But it begins with confession. It’s a pattern you see throughout Scripture. Disillusionment is the product of simmering anger and bitterness. Our resentment toward our family, job…or whatever, is ultimately resentment toward God. After all, He’s in control and He didn’t come through for us. We feel God owes us. But He doesn’t. He’s already given His Son so we can be forgiven and this world can be truly temporary.

  We need renewal. It’s time to discard immature, idealistic dreams, replacing them with getting to know the Father who loves us, is there for us, and can meet our needs. It means holy habits of Bible study, prayer, worship, serving, being part of a community of faith, sharing our faith.

  Live for an audience of One. We will never satisfy our spouse, children or employer…and they will never satisfy us. Too often we foolishly think, “if only _____ would change,” whether it’s our family or employer. Instead, we must change, seeking to please the One who truly knows what is best for us and loves us unconditionally. Proverbs 16:7, “When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”

  Look for evidences of grace. We tend to rarely miss the negative or something to complain about. Yet in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he begins by observing evidences of God’s grace in them (1:4). It’s shocking because they’re the worst church in the New Testament. Most of us would have had difficulty getting past their glaring sins to commend the grace of God in their midst. Yet, Paul looks below the surface and praises God for the grace he sees in them. How did he do that? How can we do that? By enjoying common grace. Focus on small blessings. Enjoy a warm cup of coffee or a friendly smile or even the tail of a wagging dog. By enjoying special grace. Relish the fact you’re loved and accepted unconditionally because Jesus died for you. Meditate on God’s promises. Praise Him for His goodness. Pray others will know Him, too.   

  Live for the real world. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” If you focus on this life, you’ll end up very disillusioned. As a believer, you must realize that you’re a pilgrim. Everything in this world is temporary, so pour yourself into eternity. Live for what truly matters and it will set you free! 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.

The Heartache of "Hello"

“Christmas can have a real melancholy aspect, ‘cause it packages itself as this idea of perfect family cohesion and love, and you’re always going to come up short when you measure it by your personal life against the idealized personal lives that are constantly thrust in our faces, primarily by TV commercials.”   Dan Savage

  There’s a gloomy, perhaps even dark side of Christmas that’s well known yet hardly mentioned. Yet, for many, it’s a stark reality. Sometimes you’ll see it in a Christmas movie that has lifelike tensions. It’s more common in some of our Christmas music, It’ll be a blue Christmas without you or I’ll be home for Christmas…if only in my dreams. Maybe that’s why the recent song by Adele, Hello, has been such a major hit. It came out during a time of year when many already feel melancholic about damaged relationships.

  If you’ve not yet heard it, Hello is a moving song. From the moment it starts, you sense how emotionally charged it is. It’s a heartrending tale of someone, in this case, a woman attempting to apologize to an old lover. The power of Adele’s songwriting is that it’s applicable in many different situations and damaged relationships. It reminds us that relationships which are broken still leave heartache, wounds and scars years…decades later.

  Perhaps the most jarring line of the song is when Adele admits, “It's no secret that the both of us are running out of time.” The clock is ticking. Most of us know someone who wasn’t on speaking terms with a family member or friend, yet waited too long to make amends. They end up living with regret for that now unresolvable relationship for the rest of their lives.

  We travel through adolescence and early adulthood idealistic. We have snapshots on the walls of our mind of Hollywoodish, perfect relationships with friends, family, even lovers. Often that’s not how it turns out. The holidays are a time of reminiscing and regret. Many of us go home, drive by an old haunt, have a meal at a favorite restaurant, or in just visiting our parents’ home, are flooded with old, sometimes unwanted memories. The history of perhaps a string of broken relationships aches like an old wound.

  Becoming an adult is a strange and flawed process. It’s the point in time in which we transition from dreamers with a vision for how we anticipate our future will be into the seasoned adults living out that future that rarely goes as planned. There’s a growing awareness that we’re powerless to go back in time to try again. If you’re like me, you look back on your life, knowing that you’ve hurt many and been hurt many times.

  In an oft repeated wording God’s Word sums up our relational responsibility with this: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength…You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30-31). Romans 12:18 adds to that command, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” We’re to be loving and peaceable, as much as we possibly can be.

  Like a garden, damaged relationships, rarely heal with time. To be obedient and please our Heavenly Father, we must be proactive. It’s not easy, sometimes even painful, yet we’re to take the initiative. The cost of ignoring broken relationships is terribly high. That’s because…

  Broken relationships hurt us. Stress, loss of sleep, anxiety, guilt and energy wasted putting out fires, mutual friends you avoid – that you don’t want to face or answer their questions. A broken relationship can hurt in ways we’re unable to measure, but the damage is very real.

  Broken relationships hurt our reputation. When a relationship explodes, the emotional shrapnel often includes those talking about you and making assumptions about what happened. People gossip. Soon there are all kinds of stories, some real and some fictitious that are being spread.

  Broken relationships hurt our worship. Relational problems are a barrier in our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes you find yourself in a worship service and you’re amazed at how dry it is and how little you’re engaged in worship. You wonder what’s wrong. It may be that your heart is poisoned because you’re harboring bitterness. Perhaps you know someone who’s highly offended with you? For us to be able to fully engage in worship, broken relationships must be attended to.  

  Broken relationships hurt our church family. When there’s bitterness between believers, the results are devastating to church unity. The times that churches go through tough times almost always coincide with broken relationships. So what should we do?

  Start with prayer. Bring the situation to the Lord. After all, He knows all about it anyway. Share your hurt with Him. Confess known sin where you contributed to the breakdown. Ask for wisdom so that you can have perspective to be able see the breakdown from the other person’s viewpoint, and so you’ll know what steps to take next. Ask the Spirit to point out sin that you’ve committed but have been unaware of previously.

  Communicate with the person. Cultivation of a relationship requires lots of love and is hard work. Lovingly remind others in a broken relationship that you care for them. Share with them that you’re committed to restoring the relationship and then keeping it healthy. Ask if they’re willing to do the same. Commitment to a relationship is the first step to restoration and all parties in the relationship must be committed to it.

  Humble yourself. One of the most important steps you can take to restore a relationship is to humble yourself and admit where you’ve been wrong. God loves a contrite heart. He’s glorified when we take this brave step and admit how our actions contributed to the breakdown. A humble attitude demonstrates His love and encourages others to do the same.

  Don’t force it or rush it. Broken relationships are open wounds that require gentleness. No one wants a surgeon with a chainsaw. Sometimes the Lord brings broken relationships into our life so we’ll take the time to cultivate our relationship with Him. When our relationship with the Lord is right other relationships often fall into place. Remember to spend time daily with Him in His word, asking for continued guidance with the restoration. Then, when He gives an answer, trust Him to make it happen.

  Ask for forgiveness. We must ask for forgiveness. When you ask for forgiveness the forgiving party forfeits their right to ever bring it up again. We can choose to forget offenses, just as God does (Isaiah 43:25-26). The same holds true when we give forgiveness. Put it behind you to never bring up again. We’re to be like Jesus. In our restored relationship with Him after we sin, He’s never historical and we’re not to be historical with others. Forgiveness and forgetfulness are vital for restoration. 

  Jesus came to bring “peace on earth.” We’re to be peacemakers. While we won’t be able to repair every relationship, yet as much as we can, let’s make sure we’ve done our part to bring about healing. 

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Missing Christmas

“Jesus is not to us as Christmas is to the world, here today and gone tomorrow.”  Rick Mylander

  During the great depression a family was unable to afford much of anything but the bare necessities. One day news came that a circus was coming to town. Tickets cost one dollar. The little boy came running home excited and eager to get the money from his Dad. The father regretfully told his boy that he couldn’t afford to give him with that much money, but if he went out and worked on odd jobs, he might make enough to be able purchase a ticket on his own. The Dad promised to match what the boy could earn. So this little guy worked feverishly and, just a few days before the circus came to town, he found that he had just enough money, including his Dad’s contribution. He took his money and ran off to town to buy his circus ticket. On the day the circus came to town, he grabbed his ticket and rushed to the main street, where he stood on the curb as the circus parade went by. He was thrilled to watch the clowns, elephants, and all of the performers. A clown came dancing over to him and the boy put his ticket in the clown’s hand. He eagerly watched as the rest of the parade went by.   

  After the parade, the boy rushed home and told his father that he’d been to the circus and how much fun it was. The father, very surprised that his son was home already, asked him to describe the circus. The boy told of the parade that went down the main street and then of giving his ticket to the clown. The father sadly took his son in his arms and said, “Son, you didn’t see the circus; all you saw was the parade.”

  That boy reminds me of many people at Christmas time. They get so caught up with the carols, trees, lights, and gifts. They think that they’re experiencing what Christmas is all about, but really, all they’re doing is seeing the parade and missing the main event, the real Christmas story.

  Most of us would agree that Hollywood and contemporary music have made Christmas something syrupy and sappy. In the Church, authors, philosophers, poets, preachers and composers through the centuries have searched in vain for words that adequately capture the wonder, mystery, beauty, and power of Jesus as Emmanuel, God with us. And too often, we’re as guilty of missing the real Christmas story as a secular world.

  The miracle and meaning of the incarnation is hard for us to comprehend with our finite minds. It can be so difficult to grasp that we give up and start to view Christmas in ways that leave us impoverished and unimpressed with the real story. Often our songs and reflections about Christmas can fail to leave people gasping in amazement or humbled in awe that God would come to dwell among us.

  Sometimes we turn Christmas into a Hallmark special. Sentimentalism is focusing on the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas that give us good feelings. Dazzling decorations, fresh baked cookies, poinsettias, family get-togethers, gift shopping, twinkling lights, Christmas carols, cards from friends, tree-cutting expeditions, wrapping presents. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things. They’re all expressions of common grace, for which we can joyfully thank God. And traditions are important. They’re truly the stuff memories are made of. I hope that you have some and that you’re passing them on to your children and grandchildren. Our family has developed a few of our own over the years and we look forward to them every year. Man-made traditions though are just a “ticket” though and miss the real show, or at least, the main story of Christmas. They fail to solve our deepest problems or fulfill our deepest needs.

  Sometimes we turn Christmas into a White Glove inspection. When I was in college, before we went home for the holidays, we had to make certain that our rooms were spic and span. It was called a “White Glove inspection.” Sometimes we do that with Christmas. We sanitize it when we only present a picture-perfect, storybook rendition of what took place in Bethlehem 2000 years ago. The straw in the manger is fresh and clean. There’s no umbilical cord to cut and no blood. It’s a “silent night.” The surroundings are strangely free from the pungent odor of manure. Joseph and Mary are calm, cool, and collected. Everyone gets a good night’s sleep. There’s no controversy or gossip surrounding the birth. It’s a pleasant, appealing way to think about Christmas, but it obscures the foulness, uncertainty, and sin that Jesus was born into. We forget that rather than coming for the put-together, well-to-do, and self-sufficient, Jesus identified with the rejected, the slandered, the helpless, and the poor.

  Sometimes we turn Christmas into a Kum Bah Yah moment. A religious world focuses on just one smidgen of the Christmas story, “Peace on earth.” Christmas is manipulated into some U.N. peacekeeping moment. Christmas primarily then becomes about promoting virtues like universal brotherhood, peace, joy, generosity, love, and of course, tolerance. It ignores that the incarnation is an earth-shattering event and forever altered the course of human history. While those are good things and again evidence of God’s common grace, they’re not the Christmas story. We should be thankful that our still culture sets aside a time of year, however commercialized it may be, to celebrate and commend being kind, paying it forward and loving your neighbor. But the fruit of Christmas is impossible to achieve or sustain apart from the root. We understand what love is by looking not to ourselves and our good deeds, but by considering Jesus, who came into the world to lay down His life for us (1 John 3:16). Preaching or singing about peace without recognizing our core need for the Prince of Peace, is a shallow peace indeed. The incarnation, the real Christmas story, is that God became man. It was never meant to be marginalized to a few weeks. It means something cataclysmic every day – Jesus, the eternal Son of God who before time was worshiped by innumerable angels, set aside His glory and entered the world through the birth canal of a young woman that He had created. The fullness of deity took of residence in the body of a baby gasping for its first breath. The One who spoke the universe into existence lay silent, unable to utter a word.

  And He came by choice and with the sole intention of redeeming a fallen and rebellious race through His perfect obedience, substitutionary death, and victorious resurrection. The Son of God entered our world of space and time to die on a cross for our sins and be our Savior. “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons” (Galatians 4:4-5). That’s the real Christmas story!

Depression: light beyond blues

“The problem is that if you pack up your bags and make a move to get away from depression, you somehow always pack depression up and take it with you.”

  Have you had this conversation before? I have, countless times. Someone will tell me, “I have a headache.” I nearly always ask, “Have you taken something for it?” Almost without fail the answer is, “No, it’s not that bad” or, “I’m waiting to see if it will get better on its own.” But pain often doesn’t just “get better.” You must take personal responsibility and be proactive. The same is true of emotional pain. Specifically, I’m talking about depression. It’s estimated 10% of Americans struggle with some form of depression. Personally, I think it’s higher. The difference is primarily the level or seriousness of the feelings of depression. With recent celebrity suicides, depression has been in the news quite a bit. And since I’m not a psychologist, I want to walk carefully here.

  God’s Word and His grace are our greatest resource for dealing with all emotional struggles. We’re designed by God. The Bible says we’re “image bearers of God” (Genesis 1:26-27). The greatest Source for what troubles us is the Designer and His instructions found in His Word. Let me though make some general observations about depression.

  Depression is universal. Everyone struggles at some level with depression. It’s like that song, “that’s why they call it the blues.” How could we not? This is a sin contaminated world. We have sin contaminated, broken bodies, brains and emotions. As we read the pages of Scripture, we find that some of the greatest heroes of the faith struggled with depression: Moses, David, Elijah, and the Apostle John to name a few. Some folk just seem to be more susceptible to depression than others.

  Then, we must come to grips with this reality – this is not a perfect world. My body isn’t perfect, should I be surprised that my emotions aren’t? By depending on God’s grace, we can learn to persevere, even thrive while experiencing some level of emotional discomfort. The problem for most who suffer from depression is not depression. It’s that the depression is chronic, seems endless, insurmountable even hopeless.

  Depression can be good. Guilt is a major cause of depression. Those who have true guilt should feel “guilty.” A popular movie from a few years ago was Analyze This. A psychiatrist attempted to help a mobster deal with panic attacks. But shouldn’t a mobster feel pain about “whacking” someone? God didn’t design us to live with guilt. It’s miserable and a cause of depression. The only cure for guilt is the Cross and God's forgiveness. Psalm 32 is the record of King David’s depression after he committed adultery and murdered a man. He didn’t find relief until he’d confessed his sin, repented and had a restored relationship with God.

  Sometimes depression requires medication. Some emotional conditions require medication, though we need to use caution here. Our culture is quick to look for quick solutions. In some situations, medication can mask root causes, like guilt, that needs to be dealt with. Aside from that, personally, I believe God would rather have someone on meds and functioning, than someone who has convictions about not using drugs yet is unable to function. Even Scripture encourages some drug usage to cope with depression, though it was the medication of the day, Proverbs 31:6-7.

  Sometimes the cause for depression is unidentifiable. It could be past family issues, a lack of rest or stress, or just our emotional makeup. Some are more susceptible to depression than others. While these may not be a cure, these suggestions will bring you some relief.

  1. Share your depression with your Heavenly Father. Sharing burdens with a friend lightens our load. When we’re suffering from depression we need to cry out to God as our first, not last resort. 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” Give it to God and move on. Sometimes those depressed further entrench their depression because they give it to God but then keep praying about it, which only turns their focus back on the depression. It’s like someone with a loose tooth who won't leave it alone. If you give it to God, leave it with Him. For many that's the hardest thing to do, to leave it with God.  

  2. Work at developing new mental habits. Depression is a harmful, habitual way of thinking. We must choose to develop replacements for those mental ruts, Philippians 4:8. Depressed people will often say, "I can't. I've tried." Those breaking the habit of smoking or drinking say the same thing. Both physical and mental habits can be broken and replaced. God’s grace really is sufficient. But it’s takes work and persistence, and it’s not easy. Some though are “addicted” to the misery. Memorizing Scripture is a good place to begin making new mental habits.

  3. Have a plan of action and do it. When we’re depressed, we're tempted to stay in bed, pull down the shades and withdraw. That’s the worst thing you can do. Getting out, particularly with other believers who love the Lord and care about us, forces us to be external. Just taking a shower or going for a walk, helps us break out of the mental fog. If we begin doing, our feelings will come along. Martin Luther advised those with depression to ignore the heaviness, “A good way to exorcize the Devil was to harness the horses and spread manure on the fields.” In other words, do something productive and you'll start feeling productive. Actions affect feelings.

  4. Develop an attitude of praise. A depressed believer can praise God that they know depression is temporary. No one is depressed in heaven. Thank Him for allowing it because it will make heaven richer for you. Develop a habit of praise. Keep a praise diary. All of us have blessings we can be thankful for, if we look for them. One woman encouraged a very grumpy man to be thankful. He retorted, "Thankful for what? I don't even have enough money to pay my bills!" She thought a moment then said, "Well, be thankful you’re not one of your creditors."

  5. Become a giver of your time, talent and treasure. Depressed people often make their suffering worse because they’re so self-oriented. Giving helps us be “others-oriented.” Famed psychiatrist, Dr. Carl Menninger, once gave a lecture on mental health and was answering questions.    Someone asked, "What would you advise a person to do if that person felt a nervous breakdown coming on?" Most thought he’d say, "Go see a psychiatrist immediately," but he didn't. To their astonishment, Dr. Menninger replied, "Lock up your house, go across the railroad tracks, find somebody in need, and help that person." To overcome depression, don't focus on yourself, get involved in the lives of other people.

  Are you depressed? Tell your Heavenly Father. Do you know someone who’s depressed? Pray for them and encourage them, Galatians 6:2. We’re brothers and sisters in His grace. Family loves and cares for one another.

“Always winter, but never Christmas."

  In his wonderful book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, C. S. Lewis describes Narnia as a place where it’s “always winter, but never Christmas.” Wow! And you think you’re tired of winter? Winter doesn’t bother most of us until after Christmas. In fact, when I was a child growing up in Atlanta, we’d pray for a White Christmas. We’d been brainwashed by Bing Crosby J. We never had one. Then, when I was a freshman in college, I spent Christmas with my brother and his family in the New York City area, and again, there was no snow. I was so disappointed. I’d never seen a white Christmas and thought that by being up North, I’d finally see one. Instead, it was just brown and dingy. It was a very dismal Christmas.

  Yet, when we have a white Christmas, before you can hardly say, “Happy New Years,” most of us are ready to zap away that monolithic coating of white covering the world. We can pretty much handle it through January and will even suffer with it through February, as long as we get a periodic reprieve of warmth and a little melting.

  One of the reasons that this winter has been so tedious is that we’ve not really had a reprieve. Not only have we had snow storm after snow storm, the weather has been brutally cold. It’s been always winter. Yet, though we joke, groan and grimace, we know winter will eventually come to an end. Spring will finally break through. It’s scheduled to arrive on March 20^th. I’m counting the days and hoping it comes a little early.

  Then, the snow and ice will begin to melt. The air will warm up. The grass will begin to turn green. Leaves will return to the trees. Flowers will bloom. The birds will sing. A world of dull white will give way to a myriad of bright color. Even the sun will stay in the sky longer each day. But what if it didn’t? What if it was always winter? What if there was no hope of spring?

  This past week I didn’t know it was going to snow. My heart dropped a bit as I opened the garage door to leave and found my car encased in a fresh layer of white. Jane and I still talk about the winter storm of May 10, 1990. Shortly after we moved to Wisconsin, we had a blizzard in May. I thought I was going to cry when I saw our greening world blanketed once again with white. It wasn’t a few flakes. We got a good three inches, with some areas receiving six inches. I thought that winter would never end. And that was Narnia.

  But Lewis’ tale is not just a literary fantasy. He painted for us a picture of life without Christ, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. Winter in Narnia was caused by a spell cast by the White Witch. And winter only ended when Aslan, the true king, the royal lion, returned to rescue the Narnia kingdom from the curse of the White Witch. Without Aslan, Narnia was a land without hope.

  Are you tired of snow? Is the winter getting to you? Do you find yourself feeling dismal, even a bit hopeless that it will never end? Yet, you know that it will, but what if it didn’t? Always winter, never Chritsmas is the condition of someone who doesn’t know Christ. It’s a life without hope. Jesus Christ, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, has not given them new life and with it, hope.

  Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of unforgiven sin? How hopeless! You’ve fought some dark habit. You’ve had victory over it for months, even years…and then you trip, stumbling back into the tar pit of that sin. Someone who doesn’t know Jesus can only remorse or worse, wallow in their guilt. They don’t know that no matter how horrible their sin is, Christ’s sacrifice is more than enough and then more. He longs to forgive us and heal our souls.

  Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of depression? Some years ago I went through a serious bout of depression. It seemed my dark valley would never end. Yet, even in the midst of the darkness, I still had hope. Those words so familiar to me as a child echoed back to my soul, even in the midst of the shadows, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Though I hurt, though I wanted to give up in despair, I knew that there was still hope. I was not alone and even the pain was temporary.

  Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of broken relationships? You feel so alone, so unloved, perhaps betrayed. After my Mom was killed in a car accident when I was ten, I felt so alone. My father and I never did have a relationship. I remember how wounded I felt when one of his wives felt that she needed to tell me that he had informed her that I was an “accident.” But I had another Father, who loved me and wanted me. I was no “accident,” I was part of His eternal plan. Psalms 27:10 was my anchor and is still a precious promise to me, “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.” I can’t imagine facing a divorce, the death of a spouse, a broken family, a lost friendship without “a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24)…and I know His Name. C. S. Lewis called Him Aslan but He’s the Lion of the Tribe of Judah and His Name is Jesus.

    Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of economic stress? You can never make ends meet. There’s never enough food, heat or money. A better job, some times any job is an impossibility. There are many suffering in America from poverty. Can you imagine what it’s like though in places like Sudan or North Korea? No hope. Ultimately, facing a death of impoverishment and starvation. So how do believers there survive? How do they cling to hope when it’s so hopeless? They hold on to the same promises that brought the Apostle Paul through his suffering and loss, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

  Do you ever wonder why we continually urge you to share the Gospel? Why we are so passionate about reaching our community, those around us with the Gospel? Of all the things that Jesus could have shared before He left this world, why did He give us marching orders to reach our world? Because if you don’t know Jesus, it’s always winter, but never Christmas. It’s a world without hope and when we have the message of eternal hope, spring and summer for the soul, how can we not share it?