“Christmas
can have a real melancholy aspect, ‘cause it packages itself as this idea of
perfect family cohesion and love, and you’re always going to come up short when
you measure it by your personal life against the idealized personal lives that
are constantly thrust in our faces, primarily by TV commercials.” Dan
Savage
There’s a gloomy, perhaps even dark side
of Christmas that’s well known yet hardly mentioned. Yet, for many, it’s a
stark reality. Sometimes you’ll see it in a Christmas movie that has lifelike
tensions. It’s more common in some of our Christmas music, It’ll be a blue Christmas without you or I’ll be home for Christmas…if only in my dreams. Maybe that’s why
the recent song by Adele, Hello, has
been such a major hit. It came out during a time of year when many already feel
melancholic about damaged relationships.
If
you’ve not yet heard it, Hello is a
moving song. From the moment it starts, you sense how emotionally charged it is.
It’s a heartrending tale of someone, in this case, a woman attempting to
apologize to an old lover. The power of Adele’s songwriting is that it’s applicable
in many different situations and damaged relationships. It reminds us that relationships
which are broken still leave heartache, wounds and scars years…decades later.
Perhaps
the most jarring line of the song is when Adele admits, “It's no secret that the both of us are running out of time.” The
clock is ticking. Most of us know someone who wasn’t on speaking terms with a
family member or friend, yet waited too long to make amends. They end up living
with regret for that now unresolvable relationship for the rest of their lives.
We
travel through adolescence and early adulthood idealistic. We have snapshots on
the walls of our mind of Hollywoodish, perfect relationships with friends,
family, even lovers. Often that’s not how it turns out. The holidays are a time
of reminiscing and regret. Many of us go home, drive by an old haunt, have a
meal at a favorite restaurant, or in just visiting our parents’ home, are
flooded with old, sometimes unwanted memories. The history of perhaps a string
of broken relationships aches like an old wound.
Becoming
an adult is a strange and flawed process. It’s the point in time in which we
transition from dreamers with a vision for how we anticipate our future will be
into the seasoned adults living out that future that rarely goes as planned. There’s
a growing awareness that we’re powerless to go back in time to try again. If
you’re like me, you look back on your life, knowing that you’ve hurt many and
been hurt many times.
In
an oft repeated wording God’s Word sums up our relational responsibility with
this: “You shall love the Lord your God
with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all
your strength…You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other
commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30-31). Romans 12:18 adds to that
command, “If possible, so far as it
depends on you, live peaceably with all.” We’re to be loving and
peaceable, as much as we possibly can be.
Like
a garden, damaged relationships, rarely heal with time. To be obedient and
please our Heavenly Father, we must be proactive. It’s not easy, sometimes even
painful, yet we’re to take the initiative. The cost of ignoring broken
relationships is terribly high. That’s because…
Broken relationships hurt us. Stress,
loss of sleep, anxiety, guilt and energy wasted putting out fires, mutual
friends you avoid – that you don’t want to face or answer their questions. A
broken relationship can hurt in ways we’re unable to measure, but the damage is
very real.
Broken relationships hurt our reputation.
When a relationship explodes, the emotional shrapnel often includes those talking
about you and making assumptions about what happened. People gossip. Soon there
are all kinds of stories, some real and some fictitious that are being spread.
Broken relationships hurt our worship. Relational
problems are a barrier in our relationship with the Lord. Sometimes you find
yourself in a worship service and you’re amazed at how dry it is and how little
you’re engaged in worship. You wonder what’s wrong. It may be that your heart is
poisoned because you’re harboring bitterness. Perhaps you know someone who’s highly
offended with you? For us to be able to fully engage in worship, broken
relationships must be attended to.
Broken relationships hurt our church family.
When there’s bitterness between believers, the results are devastating to
church unity. The times that churches go through tough times almost always
coincide with broken relationships. So what should we do?
Start
with prayer. Bring the situation to the Lord. After all, He knows all
about it anyway. Share your hurt with Him. Confess known sin where you
contributed to the breakdown. Ask for wisdom so that you can have perspective
to be able see the breakdown from the other person’s viewpoint, and so you’ll
know what steps to take next. Ask the Spirit to point out sin that you’ve
committed but have been unaware of previously.
Communicate
with the person. Cultivation of a relationship requires lots of love
and is hard work. Lovingly remind others in a broken relationship that you care
for them. Share with them that you’re committed to restoring the relationship
and then keeping it healthy. Ask if they’re willing to do the same. Commitment
to a relationship is the first step to restoration and all parties in the
relationship must be committed to it.
Humble
yourself. One of the most important steps you can take to restore a relationship
is to humble yourself and admit where you’ve been wrong. God loves a contrite heart.
He’s glorified when we take this brave step and admit how our actions
contributed to the breakdown. A humble attitude demonstrates His love and encourages
others to do the same.
Don’t
force it or rush it. Broken relationships are open wounds that require
gentleness. No one wants a surgeon with a chainsaw. Sometimes the Lord brings broken
relationships into our life so we’ll take the time to cultivate our
relationship with Him. When our relationship with the Lord is right other
relationships often fall into place. Remember to spend time daily with Him in
His word, asking for continued guidance with the restoration. Then, when He
gives an answer, trust Him to make it happen.
Ask
for forgiveness. We must ask for forgiveness. When you ask for forgiveness
the forgiving party forfeits their right to ever bring it up again. We can
choose to forget offenses, just as God does (Isaiah 43:25-26). The same holds
true when we give forgiveness. Put it behind you to never bring up again. We’re
to be like Jesus. In our restored relationship with Him after we sin, He’s
never historical and we’re not to be historical with others. Forgiveness and
forgetfulness are vital for restoration.
Jesus
came to bring “peace on earth.” We’re
to be peacemakers. While we won’t be able to repair every relationship, yet as
much as we can, let’s make sure we’ve done our part to bring about healing.
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