When the Pastor is in the Pits

“I guess that’s why they call it the blues…” Elton John

  October often triggers melancholia for me. There’s something about the coolness in the air, color changes and shifts in the season that find me a bit downcast. If I’m not careful, it can spiral downward into deep depression.

  I know that part of it is an “anniversary.” My birthday is in October, and when I was growing up, birthdays weren’t pleasant occasions. While I rarely think about the past, there is a cloud of regret of what might have been. For many years, I’d just deny those feelings. I’ve been very, very blessed in that Jane and my children have helped me move into “normal,” that a birthday is something to be celebrated, not dreaded. For many, that may sound simplistic yet when you grow up in an addictive/abusive home, nothing is simple and little is normal. Normal often becomes the abnormal.

  It might surprise some that pastors struggle with depression. It’s easy to forget that pastors are human, too. While we serve a “Super God,” there are no super Christians. It’s all part of a fallen world and what the Apostle Paul dubbed “common” (1 Cor. 10:13) to all of us. Most Christians struggle or have bouts of depression, and so do most pastors. While many pastors struggle with depression, most in their church have no idea their pastor is depressed. Too often they’re unaware until they’re awakened by the reality of some of the dramatic consequences of the depression: a fractured marriage, uncontrolled emotion (anger or sadness), a resignation and sometimes even suicide.

  Too many churches and pastors have been taught that depression is a sign of failure and is something that must be hidden from view. Apparently, those who purport such lies have never read the Psalms or Lamentations. 

  Noted church authority, Thom Ranier, suggests that there are five primary causes that pastors identified as the reasons behind their depression. Each of the causes is followed by a direct quote from pastors who shared with Ranier their struggles.

  Spiritual warfare. “I don’t mean this in a profane way, but there was a point in my ministry when all hell broke loose. I can’t explain the attacks any way other than spiritual warfare. The Enemy was intent on destroying my ministry, and I began to spiral downward emotionally.”

  The surprising reality of pastoral leadership. “I wish someone had told me how tough it is to be a pastor. My single counsel was to preach the Word, and I understand the priority of preaching. But, after a year or so in my first pastorate at age 31, I saw the underbelly of local church life. I was just caught off guard. And it took me some time before I realized I was truly depressed.”

  Sense of inadequacy. “My church is declining. While I don’t get hung up on numbers, my members started talking about the decline. And when we had to delete a position because we could no longer pay the person, I really begin to hit rock bottom. I felt like it was all my fault.”

  Critics and bullies. “Pastoral leadership really can be a death by a thousand cuts. It’s not any one person or criticism; it’s the constant and steady stream of criticisms. It wears on you. My depression came on gradually, so by the time I was in deep depression, I did not see it coming.”

  Loneliness. “It’s really hard to find a true friend when you are a pastor. And when you have no one to talk to about your struggles and questions, life can get lonely.”

  For me, I’d probably add, “Feeling that I’m not making a difference.” There are times that I second-guess myself and wonder if I’m making an impact. I have to remind myself that the harvest is the end of the age, not the end of the service or at the end of the year.

  No doubt many who are reading this also struggle with depression. While I don’t have all of the answers, I do know what helps me.

  I remind myself that God’s grace really is sufficient. That may sound like a pat answer, yet when I consider how that promise (2 Cor. 12:9) sustained the Apostle Paul who suffered more than I can begin to even fathom, then I seek to lean hard on that promise.

  I embrace it rather than seeking to escape it. I really love humor. I love to laugh. The valley of the shadow helps me be more contemplative. There are portions of Scripture that are more meaningful, music that touches me deeper, stories that resonate more when I’m a bit downcast.  

  I seek to look upward. I’m continually shocked at the darkness of my own soul and then I remember that my loving Heavenly Father knows all of that – and still loves me. He has given me grace upon grace. He is never surprised and loves me unconditionally. His grace truly awes me!

  I seek to look outward. When I’m depressed, I think about me, me, me…and then I’m really bummed. As I find ways to help, encourage and be a blessing to others, I find that I’m so encouraged. It can be simple things. The other day I was at a restaurant and learned my server’s story. Just listening to him as he shared the heartbreak of a divorce and seeking to encourage him, let him know that I would pray for him…encouraged me.

  I seek to express gratitude. I find that as I am thankful to God and others, my spirits begin to rise.

  Learn the seasons of your soul. I know that my “blue” time is usually the fall, so I plan a strategy. It begins with something simple – Get out of bed! Many years ago when I had a major bout with depression, I foolishly hid in bed, hoping perhaps I could sleep it away. That never works. 

  Then, I make myself go to the gym. I find exercise and socializing help.

  Even when it seems Scripture is dry, I make myself spend time in the Word and prayer. It’s not a spiritual marathon. Yet, since Jesus is the Great Physician and I’m having a bout with some soul sickness, I better spend time with the Doctor of my soul.
  Depression is a reality for many on this side of eternity. One of my greatest encouragements is that no matter how bad this world may get or difficult that life may seem – it’s all only temporary! I’m not Home yet!  

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Easter: Be Our Guest!

“During Easter a lot of people regret

not buying the clothing that was on sale.”

There aren’t many church or family traditions that I’m nostalgic about. One Easter tradition I’ve always enjoyed is when children got new clothes and dressed up for Easter. Today you’d be hard pressed to find a sport coat in a store for a young boy. We’ve become so practical and I understand, yet I always enjoyed seeing the girls in their Easter dresses with black patent shoes and the boys in sport coats and ties…for at least one Sunday.

  When I was a child, Easter was a highlight of the year. It meant new clothes. Our whole family dressed up. My Mom and sisters would even have Easter hats. My Dad, brothers and I had new suits or sport coats. And we’d all pose for a family photograph on the front steps of our home.

  Easter meant an Easter basket. On the Saturday before Easter we’d color hardboiled eggs. There might be an Easter egg hunt, though I never did figure out Easter egg hunts. Maybe the eggs they hunt today are better but the ones we hunted for were like rocks. Why someone wanted to “win” gathering the most of those repulsive things, I’ll never know. It seems to me the winner would be the one with the least Easter eggs.

  Easter means many things to different people. Probably for most it’s an opportunity to get together as a family. Those are some special times. Yet, it’s so much more. As believers, we know that, or at least, we should.

  I’ll never forget a lady many years ago telling me that she was going to have to skip church on Easter because her family was coming over and she had to make Easter dinner. Somehow she missed the point.

  So please don’t miss the point. Easter is about Jesus and His resurrection. It’s about the fact a just and holy God sacrificed His own Son for our sin to pay our debt. Jesus suffered and died a horrible death. But it’s not the end of the story. It looked like evil had won. Jesus was dead. There was no hope…

  But that was Friday and Sunday was coming. On Sunday, the One who was dead physically rose again and walked out of the tomb. It demonstrates that God was satisfied with His sacrifice. It gives us hope. Death is now a defeated foe. “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:55-57).  

  Easter is about forgiveness, eternal life, victory, hope BUT do your lost family members, friends and neighbors know that? Or, do they think Easter is about family get-togethers, bunnies and Easter egg hunts? Unless you tell them there is so much more, how will they know? Sometimes in the church we’re so enjoying the victory of the Easter Celebration, we forget the many who are just enjoying the “celebration,” yet have no idea what they’re celebrating. Easter is also a time when many who’d never consider going to church will attend because it’s tradition or even out of curiosity.

  So are you inviting guests to come with you to one of our Easter services? There are many people in your circle the Holy Spirit is already working on. They’re being drawn to the Lord. The Lord can use you—your words and courage—to bring someone within the sound of the gospel.

  According to Thom Ranier, 82% of the unchurched are at least “somewhat likely” to attend church if they’re invited. That means more than 8 out of 10 of the unchurched would come to church if they were simply invited. But Ranier sadly points out, “Only 2% of church members ever invite an unchurched person to church.” When was the last time you invited someone to come to church? Easter is one of the times when people are more open to attend church than nearly any other time of the year. So how can you invite folk for Easter?

  Pray for God’s help. Prayer is always the place to start. Creativity flows from God and so does the power to incline your neighbors toward Christ. Take some time with your family and ask the Father to help you with the ideas and the energy to do it. First, pray. Then, invite.

  Have a time and a plan. The Enemy does not want you to invite anyone, so he’ll pull out the best in his bag of tricks: busyness. Easter will come and go, and you’ll be buying discounted chocolate bunnies before you know it. So once you land on an idea, put your plans on the calendar.

  Ask if they’re planning to go to church this Easter. An easy place to start is with a casual conversation. Even in a passing chat about the weather, ask if they’re planning on attending an Easter service. Many are already thinking about it. Even if they’re not, going to church on Easter is still cultural enough to be an inoffensive topic. One of the most common hesitations potential visitors have is not knowing anyone at the church. Resolve that by offering to attend with them and to sit with them.

  Make cookies and deliver them. Who doesn’t like cookies? Making Easter eggs is fun too, but they don’t quite go down as well with a glass of milk. Your neighbors will not only enjoy it, they’ll be impressed that you took the time to make it and share it. If cooking isn’t your thing, there’s nothing wrong with buying some candy to share. Deliver the goodies and then invite them to an Easter Service.

  Take them some spring flowers. So candy isn’t your thing. After a hard winter, flowers are a breath of fresh air. Drop off a small bouquet. Send the kids. Who can resist a cute kid with a handful of flowers? Then, invite them to come as your guest.

  We have invitations that you can use to invite folk. The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter how you do it, it just matters that you do it! Will you?

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.

The High Cost of Negativity

“One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.”  Jarod Kintz

  Church researcher and writer, Thom Rainer, recently wrote: “Few people are truly aware of the constant requests, complaints, and criticisms pastors and other church leaders receive. I must admit, however, I was surprised when I asked church leaders on Twitter to share some of the more unusual comments they have received…I was most surprised at the really strange things people tell pastors…I narrowed my selection to twenty-five, but it could have been much higher.” Here are a few of the best ones...

  “We need a small group for cat lovers.” “You need to change your voice.” “Our expensive coffee is attracting too many hipsters.”  “Preachers who don’t wear suits and ties aren’t saved. It’s in the Bible.”  “I don’t like the color of the towels in the women’s restroom.”  “Your wife never compliments me about my hair or dress.” “Not enough people signed up for the church golf tournament. You have poor leadership skills.” “I think you are trying to preach caffeineism.” “If Jesus sang from the red hymnals, why can’t we?” “I don’t like the brand of donuts in the foyer.” “You shouldn’t drink water when you preach.”  “The toilet paper is on the wrong way in the ladies restroom. It’s rolled under.” “Did you see me waving in the back of the worship center? You preached too long. It was time to eat!”  “The eggs were not scrambled enough at the senior adult breakfast.” 

  Like most pastors, periodically, I hear silly comments like that. After three decades of ministry, I’m fairly thick skinned (some think I’m “thickheaded”). But if you let them, no matter who you are, negative comments can bother you.

  These are a few things I do when I hear negative comments. First, I consider the source. If the person is chronically negative, rarely has anything positive or productive to say, I ignore it. Then, I consider whether the person is part of the team or just a spectator. If someone is not serving or active or a member, but just a spectator, filling a spot, I tend to tune it out. If they’re critical at our church and not part of helping us reach our world for Christ, as far as I’m concerned they can find another church and be critical there…and it won’t bother me. The third thing I do though when someone is chronically negative and critical, I encourage myself by praising the Lord I don’t have to live with them. I truly feel compassion if they’re married, for whoever they’re married to. I’m just happy it’s not me!

  That’s because there are few things which kill love and intimacy as much as pettiness. Apparently, King Solomon had some petty people in his life. He appears to be writing from firsthand experience…“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 25:24). Or, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one's right hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16). Probably, because Solomon had so many wives, he addresses this in the feminine gender. Yet, pettiness is a genderless malady – both men and women can be negaholics.

  Sadly, for those who are petty and negaholics, they often don’t realize it. It’s so much a part of their life; it’s their normal. Yet, there are few traits which so poison our relationships as this. So how do you know if this is your sin? How do you know if you are missionary of misery? Let me share some general things to look for. These are not always true, yet are generally true.

  You have few healthy relationships. You may convince yourself you’re an introvert (maybe you are). But if others don’t want to be around you or befriend you, if even your spouse and/or children don’t seem to relish your company, it may be your negativism is a repellent. Another sign can be if most of your friends tend to be critical and negative. The old adage is true, “birds of a feather flock together.”

  You’re alone a lot. If it seems your spouse would rather be working or involved in some other social activity than be home with you, maybe there’s a reason. Or, if when you’re spouse or children are home, they’re in other parts of the house, there may be a message there. If you wonder, “why doesn’t anyone ever call me or seek me out?” Maybe you’re about as pleasant to be around as an IRS auditor.

  When you’re around, people act differently. If your spouse or children act completely different when they’re in your company, it can be a warning sign. It could be they don’t want to be critiqued. Or, if you’re in public, perhaps they fear being dressed down later for their foibles. Often in public situations, those who live with a negaholic are very, very quiet. They don’t want to pay a big price later when they are in private with you.

  Your children tend to be whiny. I’ve chuckled sadly over the years. Parents who often complain how whiny their children are, don’t realize it’s frequently learned behavior. The child is following a parental example.

  You spend a lot of time watching or listening to bad news. You are what you eat. Or, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” If you continually watch, read or listen to the negative – it will contaminate your life and come out. If you find you’re default mental drive is negative things, it’s going to be your output. If you feed and think on the negative, you’ll bear that fruit in your life.

  To me, it makes no sense. If I’m too hot, I adjust the thermostat or change clothes. If my feet get wet, I put on dry socks. If I’m tired, I lay down. Most of us respond that way. If something is externally uncomfortable, we correct it. Why don’t we do it internally? Why spend huge amounts of time thinking about what’s uncomfortable, or on what we don’t enjoy? We have more control over our internal environment than we do our external one. It’s what Scripture commands in Philippians 4:8, “ Finally…whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

  We need to count the high price for negativity. The greatest loss for a missionary of misery is our mission field. We’re called to be salt and light, what do you do when something is saturated with salt? You spit it out or don’t eat it. What about a blinding light? You close your eyes or dodge it. 

  Perhaps the reason some of us are ineffective as witnesses is because the bulk of our life is such a big turn off. The good news is that as a believer, God will give us the grace to change…today. The Spirit will empower you to be a healthy encouraging person. You have to just let Him. Will you? Show you love the Lord and those around you – choose to change! 

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