No Bullies

 

“Kindness is love in action.”

Another school year is starting. For many students, it can be very exciting and challenging. For others, it can be filled with anxiety and trepidation. Many of us remember the cruelty of fellow students. I know that I do. Yet, every student can make a difference for good in another student’s life as the following story illustrates. 

  At the end of last year, a 12-year-old Colorado student left school heartbroken after going home with an unsigned yearbook. Brody Ridder struggled to make friends all year at school. He was bullied, teased…you name it, it's happened to him. Brody tried to put himself out there to make friends. He’d get kids' phone numbers to try to text them, but they’d never respond to him. Or they'd say, “I don't want to talk to you.”

  At the end of May, students were given their yearbooks. While many students went home with signatures and kind notes, Brody’s yearbook remained virtually empty. When he got home, he became emotional and started to tear up, his mom shared. His classmates told him that they were too busy and that he wasn't important. And then, when she looked through the book, she recalled seeing two names. There were no notes beside them, either, she said. But that's not all. “I saw that Brody had signed it himself. And he wrote: ‘I hope you make some friends,’ It really broke my heart.”

  His Mom, Cassandra, shared her son’s heartbreak on social media and then it went viral. Brody began getting an overwhelming number of encouraging notes from people around the world. Individuals from all walks of life wrote him letters, reassuring him that he isn't the only one who’s struggled with bullying. Over the course of several weeks, hundreds of letters written in various languages filled the Ridders’ mailbox. People not only offered advice and words of encouragement. They shared their own personal experiences with bullying. They came from all ages. One was from a 3-year-old who told his mom what to write. But wait, there’s more.

  Several parents from Brody’s school messaged her. They asked her what class Brody was in, so their kids could stop by and say hello on the last day of school. Before Brody left for the last day of school, Cassandra reminded him that "Ridders aren’t quitters" and handed him his yearbook. On May 24^th, during the school's end-of-year celebration, dozens of students from other grades lined up to sign this young man’s yearbook and send him off with warm messages for the summer. But wait, there’s more.

  Somehow actor, Paul Rudd of Ant-Man fame heard of Brody’s plight and sent the 12-year-old a gift. At the time of the article Brody had already gotten at least 600 letters, and they were still coming. His Mom said, “I cry with the majority of them I read because these people are just…they relate. They've been through it, too.” She plans to make a book out of all the letters one day so whenever Brody is having a tough day, he can pull out it out for some encouragement. And when in doubt, he also has Ant-Man’s personal phone number too. 

  For many students, bullying is an everyday issue that they have to deal with at school. According to the American Medical Association, by the time students finish school, nearly half of students have been bullied at one point or another.

  What is bullying? People usually know what bullying is when they see it, but sometimes it’s hard to put it into words. Researchers who study bullying cite three common characteristics of what makes an act bullying: It’s intentional and tries to cause harm or distress to the victim. It occurs between two students who have different degrees of power. It happens repeatedly over a period of time.

  In a sin-contaminated world bullying is a sad reality. Yet, Christians are to be the difference makers in this depraved world. We need to model and then encourage our children to be difference makers.

  Cruelty and bullying will continue and even increase if Christian students are more concerned about being accepted or popular than doing what is right and pleasing the Lord. Fear and apathy are fertile soil for meanness. Jesus has called us to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).

  But what if your child is the one being bullied? First, realize that there are no accidents with God and He has allowed this to happen. On some level, many of the heroes in Scripture were bullied from Joseph to David, even the Lord Jesus. God uses uncomfortable and even suffering for our good. Joseph would never have been the man of God he became apart from his terrible suffering. Every child needs to learn to persevere even in difficulty. They also need to learn to stand up for themselves. These are life skills and character traits that they will need for the rest of their lives.

  Then, ask questions. Choose to respond biblically and wisely. Sometimes a child (or a parent) is overly sensitive. Sometimes the child is part of the problem. They are giving it out and are surprised when they are receiving return fire, even to a greater extent than they gave out.

  If you need to, do some research. Pray for wisdom and then inquire with those in authority over your child (a teacher or coach) for their perspective. Attempt to problem-solve. Yet, if you need to, depending on the situation move your child to a different class or team. Most schools and teachers do much better at stopping bullying than in the past.

  Encourage your child to be a Good Samaritan.” Luke 10:25-37 has Jesus’ wonderful story of what it means to love your neighbor, even at risk. Your child is going to see other children being bullied. Just as you as an adult would, encourage them to reach out to those being bullied. One of the best ways they can do this is to befriend them and invite them to hang out with them. It’s an opportunity to be Jesus by making someone else feel loved, accepted, and less alone. It also acts as a deterrent to bullying. Bullies are much less likely to pick on someone if they are in a group of friends than if they’re alone. Another helpful thing they can do is comfort and encourage them. Even little things like spending time with them and including them make a much bigger difference than any of us realize.

  In a cruel world walk through the life of Jesus with your child and note how many times Jesus reached out to the ones that others rejected like Zacchaeus or the woman at the well. While we can’t solve all of the world’s problems, we can all make a difference in our own world. It’s what the Lord has called us to do. Determine to make a difference in the life of the next Brody Ridder.

 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

The "Wonder" of loving the unloveable

“Compassion is the deep feeling of sharing in the suffering of another and the desire to relieve that suffering.”  Jerry Bridges

  Unusually tall and bearing a facial scar, a twelve-year-old girl from Denver was called “Gorilla Scarface” by classmates until she finally snapped and took her own life in the spring of 2014. A week before killing herself, she’d left the following message on Instagram: I’m just not Okay.

  Tragically, it’s not an unusual story. If you Google stories about bullying, have a box of Kleenexes nearby because it will break your heart.

  Recently, Jane and I watched the movie, Wonder. If you haven’t seen it, I’d encourage you to. It’s a powerful story that left us feeling highly moved. Wonder tells the incredibly inspiring and heartwarming story of Auggie (short for August) Pullman, a boy with horrible facial differences who enters fifth grade, attending a mainstream elementary school for the first time. Previously, his mother homeschooled him, to protect him from the taunts and bullying that he’d face because of his abnormal appearance in a school setting. But now his parents want him to attend fifth grade with other kids, so he begins attending Beecher Prep School. Auggie even has the kind of sense of humor that can win kids over—well, most of them anyway. While the Pullman family isn't particularly spiritual, his Mom (Isabel), does pray aloud, “Dear God, please make them be nice to him,” when dropping Auggie off at school one day.

  Both Dad and Mom are united in their love and commitment to their children. The principal at Auggie’s school is very concerned that Auggie be treated well and not bullied. His teachers care. One even has a daily character lesson. At first, all the children dodge Auggie but eventually, they’re won over and not only become Auggie’s friends but defend him against attacks from others. The movie is a transparent account of the burdens and feelings of others, even those without special needs.

  When we finished watching it, I Googled the movie and was disappointed to discover what I’d already suspected – it’s just a good story, a work of fiction. We know from hard experiences that the world rarely works like that. All of us remember the cruelty of school. It’s likely that you personally felt the sharp blades of cruelty pierce your own soul as classmates or a teacher said things to you that were thoughtless or cruel.  

  Yet, I think Wonder is popular because it’s what the world, even a lost one, truly desires. Though our world is cruel, most people don’t want it to be. They want it to be like Wonder, where the odd, strange, are accepted, appreciated and loved for who they are. Yet in spite of all the anti-bullying programs or talks about “being kind,” don’t expect it. It’s nearly impossible to work up that which you don’t already possess inside. This world has little time for those who are different. Love and patience are not the fare a lost world naturally serves up. Sadly, it’s a dog eat dog world that lives out the worldview continually taught, the evolutionary worldview of survival of the fittest.

  Yet, it occurred to me, as I watched Wonder, that it’s exactly what the we, the Church, must be. Scripture teaches that every person is a special creation, made in the image of God and designed by Him, (Psalms 139:13-16). We must not be content with being Pro-life; We must be Pro-living. We’re to be Jesus in a cold, harsh world. Our Lord cared for those who were outcasts or obnoxious. The demon-possessed who screamed for attention. Blind beggars who disrupted His sermon begging to be healed.

  The next time you’re in public and observe someone who is disabled, watch the responses of those around. Rarely is there compassion, but annoyance and impatience. Watch how people react to an elderly person with a walker or wheelchair. In a restaurant, you can almost feel the disdain for someone who is grossly obese.

  And what about children, particularly those with special needs? Then, what about those who’ve been overcome by sin? The immoral, the addict, the drunk, the pedophile, unwed mother, the recently paroled. Our world has “sanitized sins” that are socially acceptable. But violate those standards and you are a pariah. The “No Vacancy” sign is quickly posted.

  In the Church, that must not be us! No one was beyond Jesus’ love and care, not even those who rejected Him. Our Lord continually reached out to them again and again. As they crucified Him, He prayed for them and loved them, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.”

  For several decades the Apostle Paul’s words from 1 Corinthians have echoed in my heart, both rebuking and encouraging me: “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (6:9-11). 

  We who have personally experienced God’s love and grace, do we really dare we say to another image bearer of God, “You’re not welcome here! You’re not our kind of people!”? While at Grace, because of the teaching of Scripture, we’re not an “affirming” church, yet we must be an accepting one – we accept any and all sinners who are just as guilty, just as loved and just as reachable by the Cross as we are. A church that truly shares the grace of God really is a Wonder and that’s not just a nice story! 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

It's going to take more than a safety pin....

“It was the most respectful, benign form of bullying ever. But bullying nonetheless. And by the way, human rights must be won, not asked for. When artists perform the venue becomes your home. The audience are your guests. It’s taking unfair advantage of someone who thought they were a protected guest in your home.”  Steven Van Zandt

  Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s when you say it. For example, it’s completely appropriate if my wife, Jane, talks to me privately about something she disagrees with that I said. But for Jane to speak out in the middle of a sermon, questioning my theology in public is totally inappropriate. Civilized people all know this. Until our culture devolved over the last few decades, losing a sense of common civility, this wasn’t debatable. That it’s now a point of debate says something sad about us.  

  Please understand, this is not political. It’s a question of bullying. Bullying is always wrong. For example, it was wrong in 2012 when a Congressional staffer bullied the daughters of President Obama in a Facebook post that they were dressed and acting like “teens” (because they were teens) at the annual White House turkey pardon. I applauded when that staffer resigned. If she hadn’t, she should have been terminated.  

  Civilized people know some things are just off limits, like a leader’s children. There are also inappropriate places. The recent calling out of Vice President elect, Mike Pence, by the cast of Hamilton at the end of the play, for me, was one of those places. As he entered the Broadway show, some audience members began booing. Not a big surprise, after all, it was New York City. Mr. Pence showed both class and character. Later he shared, “I nudged my kids and reminded them that is what freedom sounds like.”

  Yet, Brandon Dixon and the cast of Hamilton were grandstanding, adding nothing to the national conversation. When Dixon encouraged the audience to record his comments and tweet them, he tipped his hand. It had nothing to do with opening a dialogue. Couldn’t he have sent a note to Mr. Pence, asking if some of the cast could meet with him backstage after the show? He further divided our already fragmented country, shutting down further conversation. What are the chances of Mr. Pence attending a Broadway show in the future with an opportunity to engage with those he disagreed with? Our political leaders are already far too insulated and isolated from their constituency. Who can blame them when situations like this happen?

  Sadly, bullying will only increase as our culture becomes more and more inhumane. Safe spaces and safety pins may make us feel better but will make little difference. It didn’t help Mike Pence. Surely, some members of the audience were wearing safety pins, yet no one came to his defense.

  Being a Christian means we’re to be like Jesus. Our Lord consistently stood up to bullies and so must we. It’s our God-given duty. We must stand up, not only for those with whom we agree, but for anyone being dehumanized. That would include someone disabled, elderly, an immigrant or minority, a child, someone overweight or gay, a nerd…even an elected official. Jesus went out of His way to minister to the disenfranchised and so must we. We must also model and teach this to our children.

  It will take magnanimity. What is magnanimity? It’s a “loftiness of spirit enabling one to bear trouble calmly, to disdain meanness and pettiness, and to display a noble generosity.” It’s how Mike Pence responded. While there’s a time to fight, it’s rare. This was not one of those times. Sadly, Mr. Trump, with his angry tweets afterwards, didn’t follow Mr. Pence’s wise example. As believers, we are, as much as possible, to turn the other cheek. We must seek to lower the emotional temperature, minimize our own offendedness, even praising what we can in those who oppose us.

  It will take character. It takes nothing to go along with the crowd or in some cases, the mob. It takes character to stand alone. Peruse the pages of Scripture and you’ll find this trait over and over again. Nearly every person God used came to a critical juncture where he or she had to stand alone. It’s how Joseph resisted the wiles of Mrs. Potiphar in an eroticized culture. It’s how Queen Esther approached the King, even though it might have cost her her life. Character is what Martin Luther had when he nailed his 95 Theses to the door at Wittenberg. It’s what William Wilberforce had as he swam against the tide committed to eradicating slavery.

  It will take courage. Most will either go along or stand by in silent fear, even when a great evil is being done. It takes courage for a teen to stand up for the teenager who’s odd, as others mock the victim. It takes courage to vote your conscience, even if you’re the only one. It takes courage to say some things are wrong, even if everyone else goes along, pressuring you to do the same. It takes courage to stand for what is right even if you’re accused of being a bigot or on the wrong side of history. Courage is what it took for Rosa Parks to stay seated on December 1, 1955 on a Montgomery, Alabama bus, refusing to give up her seat just because she was black in the colored section to a white passenger, after the white section was filled.

  It will take risk. Standing up to bullies isn’t popular. Bullies often are cowards, yet have the backing of the crowd. Standing up to them may cost you your job. Sadly, many bullies make it to the executive suites or top management positions and won’t tolerate someone standing up to them. Scripture cautions us to “count the cost.” Standing up to a bully can even cost you your life. History’s pages are soaked with the blood of godly men and women whose stand was their last one. John the Baptist lost his head for standing up to King Herod. Because of his staunch resistance to Hitler, including vocal opposition to the Nazi euthanasia program and genocidal persecution of the Jews, Dietrich Bonhoeffer paid with his life.

  In our post-Christian age bullying will increase. Sometimes it may even hide under the guise of Christianity. Martin Luther experienced religious bullying, wisely observing “You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.” May the words of Joshua 1:9 echo in our hearts, strengthening our resolve, “Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.