Church researcher and writer, Thom Rainer, recently wrote: “Few people
are truly aware of the constant requests, complaints, and criticisms pastors
and other church leaders receive. I must admit, however, I was surprised when I
asked church leaders on Twitter to share some of the more unusual comments they
have received…I was most surprised at the really strange things people tell
pastors…I narrowed my selection to twenty-five, but it could have been much
higher.” Here are a few of the best ones...
“We
need a small group for cat lovers.” “You need to change your voice.” “Our
expensive coffee is attracting too many hipsters.” “Preachers who don’t
wear suits and ties aren’t saved. It’s in the Bible.” “I don’t like the color of the towels in the
women’s restroom.” “Your wife never compliments me about my hair or
dress.” “Not enough people signed up for the church golf tournament. You
have poor leadership skills.” “I think you are trying to preach
caffeineism.” “If Jesus sang from the red hymnals, why can’t we?” “I
don’t like the brand of donuts in the foyer.” “You shouldn’t drink water when you
preach.” “The toilet paper is on the wrong way in the ladies restroom.
It’s rolled under.” “Did you see me waving in the back of the worship
center? You preached too long. It was time to eat!” “The eggs were not
scrambled enough at the senior adult breakfast.”
Like most pastors, periodically, I hear silly comments like that. After
three decades of ministry, I’m fairly thick skinned (some think I’m
“thickheaded”). But if you let them, no matter who you are, negative comments
can bother you.
These
are a few things I do when I hear negative comments. First, I consider the
source. If the person is chronically negative, rarely has anything positive or
productive to say, I ignore it. Then, I consider whether the person is part of
the team or just a spectator. If someone is not serving or active or a member,
but just a spectator, filling a spot, I tend to tune it out. If they’re
critical at our church and not part of helping us reach our world for Christ,
as far as I’m concerned they can find another church and be critical there…and
it won’t bother me. The third thing I do though when someone is chronically
negative and critical, I encourage myself by praising the Lord I don’t have to
live with them. I truly feel compassion if they’re married, for whoever they’re
married to. I’m just happy it’s not me!
That’s because there are few things which
kill love and intimacy as much as pettiness. Apparently, King Solomon had some
petty people in his life. He appears to be writing from firsthand experience…“It is better to live in a corner of the
housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 25:24).
Or, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and
a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to
grasp oil in one's right hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16). Probably, because
Solomon had so many wives, he addresses this in the feminine gender. Yet,
pettiness is a genderless malady – both men and women can be negaholics.
Sadly, for those who are petty and
negaholics, they often don’t realize it. It’s so much a part of their life;
it’s their normal. Yet, there are few traits which so poison our relationships
as this. So how do you know if this is your sin? How do you know if you are
missionary of misery? Let me share some general things to look for. These are
not always true, yet are generally true.
You have few healthy relationships. You
may convince yourself you’re an introvert (maybe you are). But if others don’t
want to be around you or befriend you, if even your spouse and/or children
don’t seem to relish your company, it may be your negativism is a repellent.
Another sign can be if most of your friends tend to be critical and negative.
The old adage is true, “birds of a feather
flock together.”
You’re alone a lot. If it seems your
spouse would rather be working or involved in some other social activity than
be home with you, maybe there’s a reason. Or, if when you’re spouse or children
are home, they’re in other parts of the house, there may be a message there. If
you wonder, “why doesn’t anyone ever call me or seek me out?” Maybe you’re
about as pleasant to be around as an IRS auditor.
When you’re around, people act differently. If
your spouse or children act completely different when they’re in your company,
it can be a warning sign. It could be they don’t want to be critiqued. Or, if
you’re in public, perhaps they fear being dressed down later for their foibles.
Often in public situations, those who live with a negaholic are very, very
quiet. They don’t want to pay a big price later when they are in private with
you.
Your children tend to be whiny. I’ve
chuckled sadly over the years. Parents who often complain how whiny their
children are, don’t realize it’s frequently learned behavior. The child is
following a parental example.
You spend a lot of time watching or
listening to bad news. You are what you eat. Or, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” If you continually watch,
read or listen to the negative – it will contaminate your life and come out. If
you find you’re default mental drive is negative things, it’s going to be your
output. If you feed and think on the negative, you’ll bear that fruit in your
life.
To me, it makes no sense. If I’m too hot, I adjust
the thermostat or change clothes. If my feet get wet, I put on dry socks. If
I’m tired, I lay down. Most of us respond that way. If something is externally
uncomfortable, we correct it. Why don’t we do it internally? Why spend huge
amounts of time thinking about what’s uncomfortable, or on what we don’t enjoy?
We have more control over our internal environment than we do our external one.
It’s what Scripture commands in Philippians 4:8, “ Finally…whatever is true, whatever is
honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.”
We need
to count the high price for negativity. The greatest loss for a missionary of
misery is our mission field. We’re called to be salt and light, what do you do
when something is saturated with salt? You spit it out or don’t eat it. What
about a blinding light? You close your eyes or dodge it.
Perhaps
the reason some of us are ineffective as witnesses is because the bulk of our
life is such a big turn off. The good news is that as a believer, God will give
us the grace to change…today. The Spirit will empower you to be a healthy encouraging
person. You have to just let Him. Will you? Show you love the Lord and those
around you – choose to change!
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