Hello! My Name is "Lonely."

“Loneliness is the ultimate poverty.”  Pauline Phillips

I met a girl named, “Lonely.” No, I’m not attempting to write a song. I really did. Recently, I was at Panera grabbing a breakfast sandwich and a coffee. The young lady’s name tag who waited on me, had for her name, “Lonely.” I asked about it and pointed out, how could she be lonely when she was surrounded by people, BUT the truth is, she could be.

  This coming week is Valentine’s Day and many couples and married folk will be celebrating it. One underlying and often acknowledged reason that they celebrate is – they’re not lonely. They believe that they have someone.

  I’m always staggered by that first statement in the Garden, when our Creator made the first negative statement in the midst of all of the wonder of creation – “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 3:18). Then, our loving God created Eve as the marriage partner for Adam. Our kind Creator gave to us what the Godhead already possessed – community. It’s what we know theologically as the Trinity. In the Trinity, God exists in three persons: God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t just God that created us; the Godhead created us. In Genesis 1:26, there’s a conversation within the Godhead, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” Do I understand the Trinity? Can I even adequately explain it, “No.” I’m a finite human being who will never fully comprehend an infinite God. There are many other things that I also don’t understand, like love or loneliness.

  It wasn’t a long conversation, so I don’t know if she was truly lonely, or if it was a joke. I do know that we are surrounded by lonely people. The Beatles hit a societal nerve with their mega-hit song, “All the lonely people.” Some lonely people are more obvious – a single person, divorcee, widow or widower can be lonely. So can a teen or college student, which is one reason that depression is epidemic among both.

  Yet, there are many other categories of loneliness we’re often oblivious to. For example, there’s the loneliness of suffering. Many around us carry great burdens that they carry alone. The suffering is painful and loneliness only adds to the weight of the burden. Perhaps it’s a disease or an emotional malady. My pastoral experience has been that it can often be the loneliness of a hurting marriage. From the outside (and posts on Facebook), they appear to be a Valentine couple, but they’re not.

  Or, sometimes it’s because of unresolved marital issues. One of the loneliest marriages to be in is where you know the Lord, yet your spouse is an unbeliever. You can’t share the greatest part of your life with them. You carry the heavy burden that the one you vowed to love “til death to us part,” is doomed, unless they come to Christ to a tragic eternal destination.

  As a church family, when we learn of someone in those circumstances, we need to partner with them, praying with them that their spouse comes to Christ. We must continually encourage the regenerate spouse, reminding them that they’re not alone and we’ve got their back. There are many on my prayer list from our church family that I continually pray for and that their spouse will accept God’s glorious gift of forgiveness and eternal life.

  The loneliness of suffering can be a wayward child. Many close friends,  many of my friends in ministry, have one. Sometimes it’s a child who has rejected Christ and the faith. It’s a heartache that’s nearly impossible to share. It can be a child who’s imprisoned or enslaved to addiction, or who despises Christianity. It’s the loneliness of suffering with a heavy heart.

  One that most never consider is the loneliness of leadership. Every pastor understands it. There are some burdens that you can only share with your Heavenly Father. Probably one of the loneliest individuals you know, yet probably don’t have a clue that they’re lonely is your manager or boss. I can assure you that the CEO of your company, in spite of all of the apparent trappings of success, struggles with loneliness. Because when you’re a “success,” you wonder who your true friends are. Are they your friends because you’re successful or truly your friends? Sometimes it’s only when life tumbles in that you learn who your real friends are.   

  What’s the cure to loneliness? I believe that it’s first a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. As a believer, I have promises that I’ve anchored my life to. The Lord promises every child of His, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5). Jesus’ last words were, “I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). Those are the promises that will carry you even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of the death after the loss of one dearest to you. It’s His promises that carried me when as a boy, I lost my mother in a tragic car accident. And if the Lord should take one of those dearest to me, they’ll carry me again.

  One of my favorite quotes about loneliness that’s encouraged me countless times over the decades is, “Loneliness becomes our friend when it forces us to enjoy the fellowship of God as much as we would the fellowship of others.” At periods of my life when I’ve felt so very alone. I am confident that I am not. The sweetness of my Heavenly Father’s love for me has so comforted me…and it will comfort you too.

  Personally, I have found that one of the best cures for loneliness is for me to care for and serve others. God designed us for relationships. When I care and reach out to someone else, my own soul is filled with joy.

  As believers, we must continually look outward to others. We’re commanded, “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). The most miserable people are those who think primarily about themselves. God designed us to be rivers through which His love flows, yet when we focus primarily on ourselves, we become cesspools.

  So choose to be God’s Valentine to those around you this week! Look for someone lonely that you can encourage. Let’s help downsize the number of all those lonely people so no one has to wear a name tag, “Lonely.”

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

Who wants to be Jack Nicholson? Not me!

“Experts on romance say for a happy marriage there has to be more than a passionate love. For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine liking for each other. Which, in my book, is a good definition for friendship.” Marilyn Monroe

  Those aren’t words you’d expect from one of Hollywood’s glamour girls, are they? But I think that Marilyn Monroe was on to something.

  Okay, so name one? How many Hollywood couples have been married more than five years? Ten? Twenty-five? Want to see that small number drop more? Name a Rock Star that’s been married more than ten years?

  Who you marry is one of the most important decisions someone will ever make, so let’s put that in context. Would you want your child to have an Algebra teacher who couldn’t add? A mechanic who has to take a cab to work because his car doesn’t run? A doctor on the payroll of the local funeral home because he keeps them well-stocked with “customers”?

  Yet, where do most of us learn about love and romance? Either from the movies or from music. Even today, for many of us decades later, our “love” song comes on the radio and for the next few minutes we step back in time, singing along with a musician who taught us about “love” but unfortunately, often doesn’t know a thing about it. Many of us have a favorite romance movie (I’ll fess up, I like While You Were Sleeping). But usually those who sing or act out love, in their personal lives, have never experienced it and know little of commitment. The Love Gurus of our culture are frequently the most ignorant of real life experience in the school of love. Yet, they continually foist one of the greatest lies on a naïve public – that love and fulfillment is about romance and sex. It’s not! And we all innately know it, but the silly siren voices are so loud that we foolishly tune out what we know is true.

  All of us admire that elderly couple who are still happily married after forty or fifty years of marriage. Things aren’t perfect. Every day is not a chick flick. There may have been some deep waters. But they still love each other. Sometimes the glue that held them together was that they take very seriously a vow made years ago before God, “til death do us part.”

  The book of Proverbs continually moves the focus from the present and immediate to “the end zone” (Proverbs 14:12; 16:25; 20:21). Most people don’t consider the high price, “the end zone,” of sex without marital commitment. That sad fact was brought home recently by one of Hollywood’s most famous, yet aging leading men. Now in his seventies, Jack Nicholson is a very lonely man.

  He once said he used to feel irresistible to women. His impressive list of lovers suggests he had a point. Today though, Jack Nicholson, admits he fears dying alone because he can no longer captivates the ladies like he did in his younger years. The 77-year-old says women don’t trust him anymore thanks to his reputation as “Jack the Jumper,” a reference to his well-known philandering. 

  In comments recently published by the magazine Closer, Nicholson said that he would love “one last romance” but said he was “not very realistic” about that happening. He’s very afraid of dying alone but he probably will. His life consists of usually sleeping until 1 pm, drinking milk to soothe his stomach, playing golf and then he goes next door to the property that contains his art collection – alone.

  Even a pagan, debauched world gets it but doesn’t even know that it gets it. Think of the derogatory terms, often animal terms, it uses for a man or woman who will not commit to one woman or man for life. One of Jack Nicholson’s most famous roles was when he played a libertine Devil and was despised even by witches in the end.

  The Bible does allow divorce. Rarely though, do even Christians divorce for biblical reasons. They divorce because they “have to find themselves” or “they’re not in love anymore.” God’s love for us clearly reveals that love is always a choice. Infatuation is a feeling. And sadly, many who don’t go through the process of divorce, are still emotionally divorced, living separate lives. They don’t have the fulfilling, Christ-honoring marriage that God designed and desires us to have.

  Can I share a simple yet difficult behavioral decision that will add zest and fulfillment to your marriage? It’s very biblical. If you choose to do this, it will honor God and bring His blessing on your life. It will also radically change you and your attitude toward your spouse. It’s gratitude!

  You know you better than anyone else. Please look in the mirror, not just at the external stuff…but at your heart. Who you really are is not exactly a prized possession but God chose to love you. And you can choose to love your spouse. One thing that will dramatically help you is every day, think of something about them that you’re thankful for. Go another step and you’ll get even more bang for your buck – tell them. Even better write them a note, thanking them. That’s what Philippians 4:8 teaches: “If there be any virtue, any praise…any good….think on these things.” About 99.999% of the time, the best way to have a fulfilling marriage is to work on the one that you already have.

  Even popular musicians get it. That’s powerfully illustrated by Rupert Holmes hit of the early 80’s, Escape. The song tells of a man who’s bored with his current relationship because it’s become routine and he desires some variety. One night, he reads the personal ads and spots an ad that catches his attention: a woman who is seeking a man who, among other little things, must like Pina Coladas. Intrigued, he writes back and arranges to meet her, only to find upon meeting her that the woman is actually his wife. The song ends on an upbeat note, showing that these lovers realized they have more in common than they’d suspected. They don’t have to look any further than each other for what they seek in a relationship.

  Sadly, Jack Nicholson is still looking and probably won’t ever find real love. But if you’re married, don’t settle for a mediocre marriage. By God’s grace and the Spirit’s power, invest the time, do the hard work in your marriage, and be who God wants you to be whether your spouse is who they should be or not. God will always bless that and the fulfillment that you have in your soul will make it well worth it! 

“Always winter, but never Christmas."

  In his wonderful book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, C. S. Lewis describes Narnia as a place where it’s “always winter, but never Christmas.” Wow! And you think you’re tired of winter? Winter doesn’t bother most of us until after Christmas. In fact, when I was a child growing up in Atlanta, we’d pray for a White Christmas. We’d been brainwashed by Bing Crosby J. We never had one. Then, when I was a freshman in college, I spent Christmas with my brother and his family in the New York City area, and again, there was no snow. I was so disappointed. I’d never seen a white Christmas and thought that by being up North, I’d finally see one. Instead, it was just brown and dingy. It was a very dismal Christmas.

  Yet, when we have a white Christmas, before you can hardly say, “Happy New Years,” most of us are ready to zap away that monolithic coating of white covering the world. We can pretty much handle it through January and will even suffer with it through February, as long as we get a periodic reprieve of warmth and a little melting.

  One of the reasons that this winter has been so tedious is that we’ve not really had a reprieve. Not only have we had snow storm after snow storm, the weather has been brutally cold. It’s been always winter. Yet, though we joke, groan and grimace, we know winter will eventually come to an end. Spring will finally break through. It’s scheduled to arrive on March 20^th. I’m counting the days and hoping it comes a little early.

  Then, the snow and ice will begin to melt. The air will warm up. The grass will begin to turn green. Leaves will return to the trees. Flowers will bloom. The birds will sing. A world of dull white will give way to a myriad of bright color. Even the sun will stay in the sky longer each day. But what if it didn’t? What if it was always winter? What if there was no hope of spring?

  This past week I didn’t know it was going to snow. My heart dropped a bit as I opened the garage door to leave and found my car encased in a fresh layer of white. Jane and I still talk about the winter storm of May 10, 1990. Shortly after we moved to Wisconsin, we had a blizzard in May. I thought I was going to cry when I saw our greening world blanketed once again with white. It wasn’t a few flakes. We got a good three inches, with some areas receiving six inches. I thought that winter would never end. And that was Narnia.

  But Lewis’ tale is not just a literary fantasy. He painted for us a picture of life without Christ, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. Winter in Narnia was caused by a spell cast by the White Witch. And winter only ended when Aslan, the true king, the royal lion, returned to rescue the Narnia kingdom from the curse of the White Witch. Without Aslan, Narnia was a land without hope.

  Are you tired of snow? Is the winter getting to you? Do you find yourself feeling dismal, even a bit hopeless that it will never end? Yet, you know that it will, but what if it didn’t? Always winter, never Chritsmas is the condition of someone who doesn’t know Christ. It’s a life without hope. Jesus Christ, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, has not given them new life and with it, hope.

  Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of unforgiven sin? How hopeless! You’ve fought some dark habit. You’ve had victory over it for months, even years…and then you trip, stumbling back into the tar pit of that sin. Someone who doesn’t know Jesus can only remorse or worse, wallow in their guilt. They don’t know that no matter how horrible their sin is, Christ’s sacrifice is more than enough and then more. He longs to forgive us and heal our souls.

  Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of depression? Some years ago I went through a serious bout of depression. It seemed my dark valley would never end. Yet, even in the midst of the darkness, I still had hope. Those words so familiar to me as a child echoed back to my soul, even in the midst of the shadows, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Though I hurt, though I wanted to give up in despair, I knew that there was still hope. I was not alone and even the pain was temporary.

  Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of broken relationships? You feel so alone, so unloved, perhaps betrayed. After my Mom was killed in a car accident when I was ten, I felt so alone. My father and I never did have a relationship. I remember how wounded I felt when one of his wives felt that she needed to tell me that he had informed her that I was an “accident.” But I had another Father, who loved me and wanted me. I was no “accident,” I was part of His eternal plan. Psalms 27:10 was my anchor and is still a precious promise to me, “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.” I can’t imagine facing a divorce, the death of a spouse, a broken family, a lost friendship without “a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24)…and I know His Name. C. S. Lewis called Him Aslan but He’s the Lion of the Tribe of Judah and His Name is Jesus.

    Can you imagine living in the perpetual winter of economic stress? You can never make ends meet. There’s never enough food, heat or money. A better job, some times any job is an impossibility. There are many suffering in America from poverty. Can you imagine what it’s like though in places like Sudan or North Korea? No hope. Ultimately, facing a death of impoverishment and starvation. So how do believers there survive? How do they cling to hope when it’s so hopeless? They hold on to the same promises that brought the Apostle Paul through his suffering and loss, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

  Do you ever wonder why we continually urge you to share the Gospel? Why we are so passionate about reaching our community, those around us with the Gospel? Of all the things that Jesus could have shared before He left this world, why did He give us marching orders to reach our world? Because if you don’t know Jesus, it’s always winter, but never Christmas. It’s a world without hope and when we have the message of eternal hope, spring and summer for the soul, how can we not share it?