A Christ-follower with a limp: parenting

Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Successful Parenting

“Training a child to follow Christ is easy for parents.

All they have to do is lead the way.”

Parenting Magazine recently released a list of the best parenting books of 2021. While I haven’t read any of them, they sound very familiar with the popular parenting philosophy of the last 50 years.
My favorite title was How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. The authors promise, “This international bestseller will make you calm listeners and see things from your children’s perspectives so that you can communicate with them better.” Personally, I think they’re over-promising. Another was The Whole-Brain Child, “This book lets you understand the reason behind every tantrum of your toddler. If you want to know why are those little monsters throwing a fit at every little thing, you must know how their brain works at that time.” I laughed when I read that and thought, I wonder if there’s an adult version. But none of the “experts” have all of the answers. Often when you see the end product of their own parenting, they raised a Frankenstein. Here’s the truth about parenting from a biblical worldview.
You’re a parenting failure and were raised by parenting failures. According to Scripture, we’re all sinners (Romans 3:23). The best place to begin a forward path in parenting is to suspect your own sinful heart. The reason some childish behaviors so annoy you is that they reveal sin in your own soul. It’s not the child that first has a problem, it’s you.
With that our greatest parental blunders are learned from our own parents. We not only pass down our DNA, but we also pass down our sinful patterns. For example, Abraham was the father of the faithful but was a habitual liar (denying your wife is your wife is a big one). Isaac steps right in Dad’s shoes as he lies. Jacob takes lying up to a few notches. His sons are professional liars. They lied that their brother was killed by wild animals when they’d sold him into slavery. Then, they watch their father break down into inconsolable grief.
Look for sinful patterns in your own parenting. Have a godly friend be graciously honest with you to help. By God’s grace, make your generation the last one with that sinful pattern. You won’t be able to do it alone. It’s why you need help from God and godly friends.
You have a loving, all-sufficient God who will supply all of your needs, including parental ones. To succeed, we must get your priorities in order. The best parenting book is the Bible. Yet, it’s noteworthy that the Bible says little about parenting but says a lot about who we are and who we’re supposed to be. It’s not our child who needs to first change, we do. We need God’s wisdom and grace because we’re naturally selfish. We must let God’s love flow on us and then through us to our child. Many times what we consider parental love is really self-love. We want our child to behave because it benefits us not them. God’s Word is a mirror that reveals that.
Parenting is more about God molding you than you molding your children. God is creating a masterpiece – YOU. When a sculptor is chipping away at a piece of marble, I wonder what the marble would say if it could talk? God uses our children to chip away at our sinful hearts.
First, a child helps us grow past self-love to loving them. Being a parent is the closest we will ever get to modeling God’s unconditional love. We love our children from their first breath when they can return none of that love. In fact, they do many things that should cause us to not love them from screaming when they’re hungry, to spitting up or messing their diapers.
Then, a child teaches us joy. We’re thrilled with that little grin even if may be gas. Every little step of maturity raises us to ecstasy from rolling over to those first steps and words.
A child helps us grow in peace. We tend to move at a frenetic pace. Rocking a child to sleep slows us down. We learn to be quiet and move slowly. We become more gentle so we don’t disturb or frighten them. Seeking to parent our children in a way that’s best for them cultivates the fruit of the Spirit in us.
Our children teach us to trust more and pray more. If you ever have the opportunity to visit Children’s Hospital, do it. Not only have I visited many patients there, but when our son, Ben, was a child he was hospitalized with epilepsy (he’s since had brain surgery and is seizure-free). Visiting there brings home very powerfully that even the best, most fastidious parent can’t protect their child 24/7. Children are there who are victims of freak accidents. Even the most germaphobe parent can’t protect their child from cancer or leukemia or a malfunctioning heart. Even the F.B.I. (Family Bureau of Investigation) can’t protect a child from the wrong friends, being introduced to drugs or pornography, or even being molested. Most importantly, you can’t protect your child spiritually. They’re born with a sin nature just like their parents. Even with frequent exposure to biblical truth, they will one day have to choose to follow the Lord for themselves. God’s Word tells us that our children are a gift from God (Ps. 127:3). He’s the only One who can protect them and work in their heart. Of all the things that your child needs, one of the greatest gifts you can give them is to pray for them and give them back to the Giver.
Train a child according to God’s design. One of the most misinterpreted verses in Scripture related to parenting is Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” It doesn’t mean if you invest in a child spiritually, they always return to it. What it means is that you must study your child, know their bent, temperament, gifts, and abilities and then direct them in the way that God has designed them. Each of us has unique fingerprints and DNA. Our Creator is not in the mass production business. Wise parents don’t attempt to force square children into round holes or to live out the parents’ dreams.
Follow the example of the only perfect parent – God. If you want to be a successful parent, know your Heavenly Father. As you know the Father, follow His example in how He parents us as His children. God is our best example of love, leadership, and correction. He’s our model of patience and wisdom. He’s the One that teaches us about true success – eternal success.
Sure, it might be great if your adult child had a college degree or was a successful entrepreneur BUT if they don’t know Jesus as their Savior and live for Him…what does it matter. Do you want to be a successful parent? Love God, live for Him and teach and model that for them.
I’m sure that some of the latest parenting books have some valid suggestions. The Book that you need to be a successful parent is from the Father who truly does know best, always has, and always will!

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.

Monday, August 5, 2019

"Parenting" your adult child

“Children are victims, adults are volunteers.”

Recently, I read Blogger, Craig Harper who wrote:

“Dear Parent Blamer, Firstly let me say, stop it. It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders…very annoying. To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem. We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behavior on your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU. Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviors and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion. Yes, we all get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked – welcome to the world’s largest club...”

Not too long ago a mother shared with me how her adult child blamed her and her husband for her problems. Frankly, I was shocked. This couple isn’t perfect, yet I knew the horrible trials that they’d faced and still held their marriage together. Couples with less commitment or character wouldn’t have made it. To me, they’re heroic and I told her so.

So, how do we handle parenting our adult child?

Recognize and grow with the new relationship. The relationship has changed. You’ve moved from parent and child, to what should be adult friends – though there are age, maturity and responsibility differences.

It’s time to step back and let your now-adult child experience adulthood. The day of lecturing is over. Unsolicited advice is often unwanted and frequently rejected. It helps to see your adult child as a younger adult friend like a neighbor or co-worker. That means be cautious on how much you say to them, just as you would a neighbor.

If they’re married, their relationship with their spouse must have precedence. Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” A parent who puts pressure on a married adult child is violating Scripture and sowing seeds of marital destruction and resentment for their intrusion in the new couples’ married life. When it comes to a now-married adult child, the old saying is true – you get more flies with sugar than salt.

So, be wise. Don’t put pressure on them for family events like Christmas, Mother’s or Father’s Day, or birthdays. Leave invitations open-ended with no pressure just as you would with any other friend. Make your home and events so that they want to attend, not that they feel obligated.

The goal is independence: spiritual, mental, emotional, social and financial. 18 is not some magic age when all of that suddenly happens. The preparation begins years before. It’s vital we give our children roots and wings. Our culture has devolved from helicopter to what’s now dubbed lawnmower parents, mowing over everyone in their child’s way. Your child needs to flunk if they don’t get the work done or go hungry if they forget their lunch. They need to face consequences for being late if they caused the lateness. They need to learn personal responsibility. Most of all, they must learn to stand on their own and develop their own convictions.

Home rules change to tenant guidelines…if they still live at home. Unless they’re continuing their education, there needs to be rent (though possibly limited) and responsibilities, just as there would be if they rented their own place. If you live alone, you clean and wash your own stuff. There are certain boundaries that need to be house guidelines. Your home is God’s (you’re His manager), so illegal or immoral behavior can’t be tolerated. As a believer, attending church should be part of their responsibilities. It can be a church of their choice, but it’s just part of the “rent.” It will help both of you with relational issues.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. There’s nothing more frustrating than having a boss who keeps changing the rules. God clearly sets boundaries for responsible behavior in Scripture. Follow that example with your adult children. Before an adult child moves back in, talk through things like timeframes, rent, pitching in, etc. They’re not a child anymore and shouldn’t expect mom or dad to cater to every need or want. If an adult child is already living at home, please have this conversation sooner rather than later. The more time that passes without clear boundaries, the more difficult it will be to rein in bad habits. These respectful conversations should periodically continue to take place during the duration of a child’s stay. As there are adjustments on the job to meet new challenges, there will be needed adjustments in the home.

Own personal failure and apologize. Every parent looks back on their childrearing years with some regret. We’ve never raised a child before Hopefully, it means that we’ll be phenomenal grandparents! But we know we’ve made mistakes and sinned. Confess where you’ve blown it to God, and then confess and apologize to your adult child. If you want them to grow into adult responsibility, you must first model it.

Share your faith but don’t force it. If they don’t have a personal relationship with Christ, make it a matter of prayer. If they show no spiritual fruit, don’t delude yourself based on a childhood decision that they know Jesus. Make sure that you model Christlikeness. Just a side note, you’re a fool if you criticize other Christians or your church in front of a lost adult child.

While you want the best for them, you can’t tell them how to live or make this decision for them. So please, never push the faith issue, though it’s wise, with their parents’ permission, to help your grandchildren know the Lord. And be transparent about your own faith struggles, failures, and God’s grace. Let the grace of God that drew you to Christ draw them.

Our Heavenly Father knows how to get their attention. He’ll use His Spirit, struggles, or another believer, but in the end, you’ll be able to look back and say that God left no stone unturned to reach them.

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Mom, can we talk?

“The influence of a Mother in the lives

of her children is beyond calculation.” James E. Faust

Recently, I asked some friends for their input: If you could tell a Mom one thing, what would you tell her? I laughed at the response of one friend who’s recently retired as a counselor, “Don’t kill ‘em.” Sometimes, that’s not that far from the truth. So, this Mother’s Day can we grab a cup of coffee and chat for a moment about being a Mom…

God is seeking to develop you. There are no accidents with God’s plan. When God gave you your child, He knew that your child needed you and He also knew that you needed your child. Our Heavenly Father is in the masterpiece making business. Personal happiness is not a priority in masterpiece making. Spiritual growth and holiness are. What your Father wants to develop in you is; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). It takes pruning, heat and friction to produce a masterpiece. Wonderfully, the very traits that He wants to produce in you are the exact things that your child needs most. Masterpiece building is frequently exhausting. That’s because your Father knows you don’t have it in you and will need to depend on Him and His grace. Wonderfully, as you model those traits, your children will often follow your example. They may also copy you if you fail to model them.

Determine to be a Mom of truthfulness. God is a God of truth. Jesus said, “I am the way…the truth” (John 14:6). Because children are so trusting, it’s tempting and simple to lie to them. It’s can be little things, yet they carry big consequences. For example, a child hates onions and has a fit over them…but the recipe tastes better with onions. They see you mixing it together and ask the inevitable question, “Are there onions in it?” What do you do? You must tell the truth. Pleasing God is not about avoiding hassles, even with your children.

Learn to be flexible. Our culture encourages us to be human doings. God created us to be human beings. Yet, we feel a sense of accomplishment when we accomplish more and wear how busy we are as a badge of honor. Both you and your child will be exasperated if you continually rush them. Relationship building takes time and nurture, even one with your child.

Grow in gratitude for the small things. “And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward” (Matt. 10:42). In other words, stop and smell the roses. Learn to enjoy the little things. Too often we approach parenting like a black dot on a white sheet of paper. We’re so focused on the dot, we miss all of the whiteness. Children are like a new flower. Growth must be encouraged, but ours is a weed whacking world. Be a person of gratitude and encouragement. It begins with being a grateful person, learning to savor and enjoy cups of cold water.

Plan for the long game. Most of us plan for nearly everything but parenting. Parenting is supposed to just “happen.” Planning always begins with prayer. It starts with trust and submission to the One who gave them to you. Pray for your child’s future, what their life’s vocation will be, if they’ll marry, who they’ll marry, what choices they’ll make, etc. Healthy parents give their children roots and wings. Ten or twenty years from today what kind of adult do you want them to be? That trajectory begins today. They will usually value what you value. If you value a temporal world, they will value a temporal world. Too many times we wait until adolescence to attempt to re-direct our child. It’s far too late. Patterns and values are already ingrained. The time for directing toward adulthood is during babyhood. It’s easy to plop a small child in front of a screen and have a digital babysitter. Is it any wonder that we have millennials who are obsessed with screens? They were taught to value them before they cut their teeth. Even most Christian parents are more concerned about their child’s education than their final destination. Spiritual values (Bible reading, prayer, community of believers, service, giving) are haphazard. There’s a reason so many young adults want little to do with eternal values. They weren’t valued during those formative years, but everything else was.

Live out the Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12, “Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.” Do you want your children to speak kindly to you? Then, speak kindly to them. Do you want them to be patient? Be patient with them. Do you want them to respect your privacy? Respect theirs. Do you want them to cover your faults in public? Then, cover theirs. Most adults carry wounds from being shamed as a child. With social media, it’s easier perhaps than ever before to share a tidbit that shames your child. It’s tempting to use it to vent but venting isn’t a biblical behavior. We’re to seek to instead problem-solve. So before you post, think through how your child might feel if they knew about that post.

Model biblical problem-solving. It begins with your own marriage. Little eyes are watching and learning how to resolve conflict. If they have siblings, they’re going to disagree and squabble. Teach them how to do that in a biblical, proactive way. Meltdowns won’t be tolerated in school or in the workplace, why tolerate them in the home? Many parents tune out squabbling, rationalizing “it’s just the way kids are.” Kids become adults. Squabbling in adulthood jeopardizes employment and can result in serious long term relational problems.

Trust the only objective reliable resource. There’s not enough time to go through the mountains of parenting books that have been written. Then, many of them offer contradictory advice (e.g., pick up your baby when she cries vs. don't pick up your baby when she cries). Add to these resources all of the blogs and websites that offer parenting tips and one can see why many parents feel overwhelmed. We are designed by God, thus His Word is our blueprint. Amazingly, the Bible has general principles yet few specifics. That’s because of the uniqueness of each parent, child and family. The main thing you’ll learn from the Bible is how to change YOU. As you grow and become more Christlike, that will do more for your parenting and children than anything else.