"Parenting" your adult child

“Children are victims, adults are volunteers.”

Recently, I read Blogger, Craig Harper who wrote:

  “Dear Parent Blamer, Firstly let me say, stop it. It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders…very annoying. To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem. We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behavior on your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU. Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviors and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion. Yes, we all get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked – welcome to the world’s largest club...”

  Not too long ago a mother shared with me how her adult child blamed her and her husband for her problems. Frankly, I was shocked. This couple isn’t perfect, yet I knew the horrible trials that they’d faced and still held their marriage together. Couples with less commitment or character wouldn’t have made it. To me, they’re heroic and I told her so.

  So, how do we handle parenting our adult child?

  Recognize and grow with the new relationship. The relationship has changed. You’ve moved from parent and child, to what should be adult friends – though there are age, maturity and responsibility differences.

  It’s time to step back and let your now-adult child experience adulthood. The day of lecturing is over. Unsolicited advice is often unwanted and frequently rejected. It helps to see your adult child as a younger adult friend like a neighbor or co-worker. That means be cautious on how much you say to them, just as you would a neighbor.

  If they’re married, their relationship with their spouse must have precedence. Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” A parent who puts pressure on a married adult child is violating Scripture and sowing seeds of marital destruction and resentment for their intrusion in the new couples’ married life. When it comes to a now-married adult child, the old saying is true – you get more flies with sugar than salt.

  So, be wise. Don’t put pressure on them for family events like Christmas, Mother’s or Father’s Day, or birthdays. Leave invitations open-ended with no pressure just as you would with any other friend. Make your home and events so that they want to attend, not that they feel obligated.

  The goal is independence: spiritual, mental, emotional, social and financial. 18 is not some magic age when all of that suddenly happens. The preparation begins years before. It’s vital we give our children roots and wings. Our culture has devolved from helicopter to what’s now dubbed lawnmower parents, mowing over everyone in their child’s way. Your child needs to flunk if they don’t get the work done or go hungry if they forget their lunch. They need to face consequences for being late if they caused the lateness. They need to learn personal responsibility. Most of all, they must learn to stand on their own and develop their own convictions.

  Home rules change to tenant guidelines…if they still live at home. Unless they’re continuing their education, there needs to be rent (though possibly limited) and responsibilities, just as there would be if they rented their own place. If you live alone, you clean and wash your own stuff. There are certain boundaries that need to be house guidelines. Your home is God’s (you’re His manager), so illegal or immoral behavior can’t be tolerated. As a believer, attending church should be part of their responsibilities. It can be a church of their choice, but it’s just part of the “rent.” It will help both of you with relational issues.

  Communicate, communicate, communicate. There’s nothing more frustrating than having a boss who keeps changing the rules. God clearly sets boundaries for responsible behavior in Scripture. Follow that example with your adult children. Before an adult child moves back in, talk through things like timeframes, rent, pitching in, etc. They’re not a child anymore and shouldn’t expect mom or dad to cater to every need or want. If an adult child is already living at home, please have this conversation sooner rather than later. The more time that passes without clear boundaries, the more difficult it will be to rein in bad habits. These respectful conversations should periodically continue to take place during the duration of a child’s stay. As there are adjustments on the job to meet new challenges, there will be needed adjustments in the home.

  Own personal failure and apologize. Every parent looks back on their childrearing years with some regret. We’ve never raised a child before Hopefully, it means that we’ll be phenomenal grandparents! But we know we’ve made mistakes and sinned. Confess where you’ve blown it to God, and then confess and apologize to your adult child. If you want them to grow into adult responsibility, you must first model it.

  Share your faith but don’t force it. If they don’t have a personal relationship with Christ, make it a matter of prayer. If they show no spiritual fruit, don’t delude yourself based on a childhood decision that they know Jesus. Make sure that you model Christlikeness. Just a side note, you’re a fool if you criticize other Christians or your church in front of a lost adult child.

  While you want the best for them, you can’t tell them how to live or make this decision for them. So please, never push the faith issue, though it’s wise, with their parents’ permission, to help your grandchildren know the Lord. And be transparent about your own faith struggles, failures, and God’s grace. Let the grace of God that drew you to Christ draw them.

  Our Heavenly Father knows how to get their attention. He’ll use His Spirit, struggles, or another believer, but in the end, you’ll be able to look back and say that God left no stone unturned to reach them.

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.