Does anyone really know what time it is?

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins…Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out.”  Henry Cloud

 Years ago one of my favorite music groups, Chicago, had a hit song: Does anybody really know what time it is? Apparently not. Particularly if you’re part of the United States government. That’s because recently the Department of Transportation discovered that the U.S. has no official map marking out where one time zone begins and another ends. Officials are now at work creating a map of the nation’s time zone boundaries. 

  A clear map of time zones is important. Think of how much of our lives are oriented by time. As time zone boundaries are important, so are boundaries in life.

  Many of our problems in life and in our relationships are boundary problems. God knows that we need boundaries. It’s why so much of God’s Word sets clear ones. The most familiar set of commands in the Bible, the Ten Commandments, are God’s boundaries.

  A boundary is a “dividing line.” In geography, a boundary marks the end of one property and the beginning of another. In interpersonal relationships, a boundary is what divides one individual from another, so that each can have separate identities, responsibilities, and privileges. Boundaries create necessary “space” between individuals. Healthy boundaries define expectations and show respect for others.

  Personal boundaries help to limit our sinful and selfish inclination to control or manipulate others. They protect us from those who have little or no self-control and wish to control us. A person with clear, healthy boundaries communicates to others what is and is not permissible, saying, in effect, “This is my line. Please respect it and do not step over it.”

  Boundaries can be used in healthy ways or sinful ways. The way to know which boundaries are godly is to examine your motives. Are you protecting yourself or someone weaker from potential harm, either emotional or physical? If so, you’re setting healthy boundaries. Yet, if you’re maintaining distance because you desire to exclude someone, that’s sinful. Boundaries that maintain cliques or limit ministry opportunities are wrong.

  Boundaries keep us secure.  When we go outside of the boundaries God has established and pursue sinful things of this world, we run the risk of impairing our relationship with God and the consequences that come from doing so. There’s a price if we fail to maintain good boundaries.

  Boundaries keep us strong. Not overextending ourselves, making sure we have time and energy to care for ourselves, and needs like rest, exercise, and proper nutrition, help us maintain our health. It enables us to have the strength to serve the Lord in our own space when we aren’t overstepping and invading the spaces of others or allowing them to invade ours.  

  Boundaries keep us sane. When we overextend, say for example, financially, we will suffer from anxiety and stress. And that’s just one area. There’s a price if we don’t maintain healthy boundaries.

  Too often relationships are contaminated and fraught with frustration because of a lack of boundaries. While the Bible teaches that we’re to be loving and kind, God doesn’t want us to be a doormat. Giving yourself permission and having a sense of personal boundaries are vital for spiritual, mental, emotional and relational health. Healthy boundaries are needed in every area of life. Yet, as enter into the holiday season, let me touch on a few that all of us will need to work through during the next few months.

  We must find and maintain the needed boundaries of marriage. When God created marriage, He set up clear boundaries. Genesis 2:25 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” But what father and mother? Adam and Eve were the first couple and didn’t have parents. They were created by God. God though was laying out a boundary for future marriages and homes, one that’s so important it’s repeated three other times in Scripture (Matthew 19:3; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31). Without clear boundaries for a marriage, a couple will suffer from outside contaminants.  

  For example, you can’t go to every party or event that you’re invited to or every family gathering. Sadly, some in-laws use “emotional blackmail” – “But we’ve always done Christmas Eve at our home.” You are now a new family and need to do what is best for your marriage and family, not what gives an overzealous in-law some warm Hallmark Christmas feeling.

  We must respect the needed boundaries of our children. Children need roots and wings. Boundaries are vital in parenting. Setting healthy limits for children protect them, yet unhealthy ones can be controlling and selfish. Boundaries should guide a child to become the individual God created him or her to be. They allow them to develop an identity separate from their parents within the safety of their family. Without a clear identity, people “vanish” into other people or expect them not to have any differences.

  And adult children must be treated as adults or they will continue to act childish. Adults make their own decisions.. work a job, and pay their bills. If they make a decision that has consequences, they need to face the consequences. Sometimes a parent can assist yet not rescue.

  If a parent continually rescues their adult child or enables poor choices, they’re not helping them mature into adulthood. Boundaries teach them to turn to their Heavenly Father who knows their true needs rather than rescuing, overzealous parents.

  These lines are not always clear. It’s why parents need God’s wisdom (James 1:5), yet that needs to be the goal as parents.

  As the U.S. needs clear time zones, each of us needs healthy boundaries. God holds us accountable for our lives. We must learn now to take responsibility for our own life and allow others to live theirs.

  Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. As we see our need for self-control, we’ll take responsibility for our own actions and not encroach on others. We’ll seek the Lord’s help for growth in this vital character trait. Boundaries are an outcome of submitting to God’s will and He will enable us to make godly choices. 

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.