I do: It's a sacred vow

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.

You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”  F. Burton Howard

  How often do you go to the doctor, not just when you are sick, but for a check-up? How about the dentist? What about changing the oil and filter in your car? A tune-up? The air filter in your furnace? The batteries in your smoke detectors? So what is there in your life that doesn’t require some periodic attention and regular maintenance?

  Yet, for some reason when it comes to our marriages, the focus we made many years ago is supposed to be enough. Then, regrettably, many couples get married and are not given any pre-marital counseling at all (hopefully, that trend is changing…at least for church weddings).

  For some reason we believe that material possessions require maintenance, yet are oblivious to the “maintenance” needs of our marriage, and then we’re shocked when they cough and sputter as we drive down the road of life. Some wait too late and only seek help when the marriage is already in critical care. Sadly, sometimes the relationship is so diseased, it’s virtually unsalvageable.

  Yesterday, I had the privilege of officiating at a wedding for a couple that I’ve known for several years. Over the course of several months we met several times and worked through some of the key basics of what it takes to have a healthy marriage. Essentially, we only laid a foundation that they are now going to have to build on and maintain if they want to have a Christ-honoring marriage.

  One of those final details though of the wedding ceremony are the vows. Usually, I use the traditional vows. Some couples want to write their own and that’s fine. There is only one vital challenge. Because a wedding and love is emotional (as it should be), there’s a tendency when it comes to the vows to say what expresses your feelings. That’s not enough. When it comes to the wedding vows, they must also convey the commitment of the couples’ wills.

  Most people fail to realize that during the wedding ceremony, they are never asked how they feel about the person that they are marrying. Think about other areas where we take vows. Can you imagine someone taking a vow to serve in the military including in their vow how they feel about serving our country? Does anyone really feel like going to boot camp? Does anyone feel like having an enemy shoot at them to try take their life? What about becoming a citizen of the United States? Do you take an oath of allegiance that includes how you feel? Does anyone really feel like paying taxes?  

  When the Bible speaks of marital love, it is always presented as a result of the person’s will, not some fickle emotion that changes with the weather. In fact, the Bible never teaches that romantic love is the foundation of marriage. Many times marriages in biblical times marriages were arranged and couples had to commit to making them work.

  Please understand, no one is suggesting that we return to arranged marriages (though when you look at who some people pick for a life partner, you have to wonder if it might be an improvement J). Marriage can’t be founded on emotional surges or physical attractions. That’s one of the reasons that the Bible teaches purity and withholding of sexual intimacy until marriage. Many couples are merely infatuated or worse, have mistaken sexual pleasure for love. Having feelings or even eroticism as the foundation of marriage is a nearly certain way to have a marriage that will deteriorate before the normal storms of life. Feelings come and go. Our bodies deteriorate and succumb to the aging process. But the likelihood of marital health and survival is markedly improved when marriages are grounded in friendship, companionship and the commitment, as well as the awareness of an unending vow – no matter what.

  The vows are critical. They provide walls of protection when threatening emotional winds and waves beat down upon the relationship. The traditional vows have stood the test of time because they aptly summarize the commitment that is demanded of marriage. A husband and wife have a duty to one another to abide by the vows, much like a soldier or a citizen, because those vows were not just made before the witnesses of family and friends. Their marital vows were made in the presence of God. Faithfulness to the vows is automatically a faithfulness to each other.

  When I officiate at a wedding, I encourage married couples who are present to repeat the vows in their own hearts that I am leading the new couple in. It’s a subtle and small act of marital maintenance.

  But please don’t stop there. If you are having struggles in your marriage, seek good, godly help quickly. If your car was making some strange sounds, you’d have a mechanic check it out. If your marriage is coughing and sputtering, it’s foolish to ignore it and hope it will get better. Having some marital issues is very normal. Let me repeat that: Having some marital issues is very normal. Scripture speaks of issue that are “common” to all of us, 1 Corinthians 10:13. If you’re having some troubles in your marriage, ask a godly sister or brother here at church to partner with you in praying for your marriage. Then, seek out someone who will give you honest, objective biblical counsel. Prayerfully and graciously ask your spouse to go with you, communicating that you have some issues in your heart about your marriage that you’d like for them and a counselor to help you grow through. And even if they won’t accompany you, if you believe that your marriage has some serious issues, go alone.

  You probably can avoid that though if you’ll do consistent maintenance. Schedule regular times when you and your spouse can share what you love and appreciate in your relationship and what are also some concerns without finger pointing or becoming defensive. Once a year, either attend a class on marriage, watch a video series or read a biblically based book on marriage. The key to a healthy marriage is regular maintenance, whether you’ve been married five years or fifty. Too many couples settle for the same soggy death of sameness in their marriage, when God has so much more for them! Be proactive! God is glorified and your marriage will be so much more fulfilling. 

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