Basics on Toxics

 

“Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. 

Try not to take it personally.”  Kamand Kojouri

 
This morning we’re beginning a several week series, “Dealing with Toxic People.” The dictionary defines Toxic as: “containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation.” Applying our spiritual nature to this definition gives us the reality that toxic people are those who are capable of causing mental and emotional injury and death, or serious debilitation, to both their lives and ours.
  We all have toxic people in our lives. Because of sin, at some level, we’re all toxic. For some reason, memes about toxic people, narcissism and broken relationships have exploded on social media. Yet, toxic people have always been around. Probably the acrimonious cultural divisions we’ve seen in recent years have heightened our awareness of toxic relationships.
  Genesis 4 is one of the first toxic relationships. Cain’s anger at God erupted with his murdering his brother, Abel, who’d done nothing to antagonize Cain. Abel was simply seeking to please God, but his commitment to God enraged Cain and Abel ended up as the first victim of rage and cold-blooded murder. Like Abel, sometimes you don’t have to do anything other than exist to find yourself the target of someone’s toxicity.  
  As I’ve watched the obsession with toxic people on social media, the thought occurred to me that “if your best strategy in dealing with toxic people is memes, you’re in big trouble.” Add to that, we tend to throw around terms and use a broad brush. Do those using these terms even know what they mean? That line by Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride seems apropos. “You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.” Before we label someone, we should be certain of our own understanding of the label and what the term actually means.
  For example, someone may be labeled a “narcissist.” The dictionary defines it, “A person full of egoism. One who shows extreme love and admiration for himself or herself. Someone in love with themselves.” Have you ever met someone who isn’t full of pride at some level and loves and admires themselves? We’re all guilty. Now someone who is truly a narcissist takes that to extremes. Yet, traits of toxicity that so bother us in the lives of others are frequently ones that we also are guilty of. Toxicness is true of all of us at some level according to Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Be aware that as we work through this series, there are some themes that we’ll return to each week.  
  When it comes to a toxic trait, first suspect the sinner you know best. Stop for a moment and answer this question. Who is the worst sinner that you know? Chances are that you know hundreds, even thousands of people. Think of all those people and ponder: Who is the worst sinner of all?
  Perhaps you thought of a parent who did great damage to you as a child. Maybe a co-worker who delights in her own vileness, or a friend who is imprisoned for what he has done. If you were honest though, you admitted that you know someone who is a far greater sinner than any of these – YOU. When I stop and think about the greatest sinner I know, I must admit that it’s me. I’m the greatest sinner I know…and you’re the greatest sinner you know. There is seemingly no end to the depravity of my own heart. As William Law said, “Self is the root, the tree, and the branches of all the evils of our fallen state.” So, as we work through these toxic traits, please first look in the mirror of your soul. Frequently, we have blind spots and would be wise to ask those closest to us: How do you experience me?
  Then, be warned. Because of our own toxicity, we can project what we are onto others. King Ahab did that to Elijah, accusing God’s prophet of being the source of Israel’s trouble. For example, if someone is a habitual liar, they assume that all others are liars. The same is true of someone who is manipulative or has an anger issue. We assume others think like us.
  If you are in a toxic relationship whether in your marriage, family, workplace or wherever – God put you there. Read the first two chapters of the book of Job. Who allowed Job to go through all that misery? God. One of the most toxic families in the Bible is that of the patriarch, Joseph. Yet, God used that dysfunctionality to “send” Joseph to Egypt to preserve the nation of Israel (Psalm 105:17).
  As much we may hate it, God uses fire to melt away our own sinful habits and traits to make us trophies of His grace. I know that’s true in my life. I doubt that I’d be in the ministry today and love the Lord, if I had not grown up in the family that I grew up in. As Job observed, “But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold” (Job 23:10).
  I love those words of Joseph at the end of Genesis as his brothers were terrified that Joseph would execute justice and take revenge on them for the evil that they’d done to him. “But Joseph said to them, ‘Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today’” (Genesis 50:19-20).
  There is always hope! There are times when the best decision is to walk away or at least limit the toxic individual’s influence in your life. Yet, the tendency in our culture is to bail too soon. We know little of what the Bible calls longsuffering and perseverance.
  Living in the heat of a toxic relationship must drive us to prayer. While it’s appropriate to pray for deliverance. Yet, God never wastes our pain, so we should also pray that God will, as He did in the life of Joseph and many others, use the pain to produce spiritual fruit in our own lives.  
  Then, if there is no relief, we’re confident that the very worst toxic situation for the Christ-follower is temporary. The Apostle Paul endured terrible fiery trials. Notice the contrast in his words between temporal trials and life in eternity. “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

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