“Experts on romance say for a happy marriage there has to be more than a
passionate love. For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine
liking for each other. Which, in my book, is a good definition for friendship.” Marilyn Monroe
Those aren’t words you’d
expect from one of Hollywood’s glamour girls, are they? But I think that
Marilyn Monroe was on to something.
Okay, so name one? How
many Hollywood couples have been married more than five years? Ten?
Twenty-five? Want to see that small number drop more? Name a Rock Star that’s
been married more than ten years?
Who you marry is one of
the most important decisions someone will ever make, so let’s put that in
context. Would you want your child to have an Algebra teacher who couldn’t add?
A mechanic who has to take a cab to work because his car doesn’t run? A doctor
on the payroll of the local funeral home because he keeps them well-stocked
with “customers”?
Yet, where do most of us
learn about love and romance? Either from the movies or from music. Even today,
for many of us decades later, our “love” song comes on the radio and for the
next few minutes we step back in time, singing along with a musician who taught
us about “love” but unfortunately, often doesn’t know a thing about it. Many of
us have a favorite romance movie (I’ll fess up, I like While You Were Sleeping). But usually those who sing or act out
love, in their personal lives, have never experienced it and know little of
commitment. The Love Gurus of our culture are frequently the most ignorant of real
life experience in the school of love. Yet, they continually foist one of the greatest
lies on a naïve public – that love and fulfillment is about romance and sex. It’s
not! And we all innately know it, but the silly siren voices are so loud that we
foolishly tune out what we know is true.
All of us admire that elderly
couple who are still happily married after forty or fifty years of marriage.
Things aren’t perfect. Every day is not a chick flick. There may have been some
deep waters. But they still love each other. Sometimes the glue that held them
together was that they take very seriously a vow made years ago before God, “til death do us part.”
The book of Proverbs
continually moves the focus from the present and immediate to “the end zone” (Proverbs 14:12; 16:25;
20:21). Most people don’t consider the high price, “the end zone,” of sex without marital commitment. That sad fact was
brought home recently by one of Hollywood’s most famous, yet aging leading men.
Now in his seventies, Jack Nicholson is a very lonely man.
He once said he used to
feel irresistible to women. His impressive list of lovers suggests he had a
point. Today though, Jack Nicholson, admits he fears dying alone because he can
no longer captivates the ladies like he did in his younger years. The
77-year-old says women don’t trust him anymore thanks to his reputation as “Jack
the Jumper,” a reference to his well-known philandering.
In comments recently published by the magazine Closer, Nicholson said that he would love “one last
romance” but said he was “not very realistic” about that happening. He’s very
afraid of dying alone but he probably will. His life consists of usually sleeping
until 1 pm, drinking milk to soothe his stomach, playing
golf and then he goes next door to the property that contains his art
collection – alone.
Even a pagan, debauched
world gets it but doesn’t even know that it gets it. Think of the derogatory
terms, often animal terms, it uses for a man or woman who will not commit to
one woman or man for life. One of Jack Nicholson’s most famous roles was when
he played a libertine Devil and was despised even by witches in the end.
The Bible does allow
divorce. Rarely though, do even Christians divorce for biblical reasons. They
divorce because they “have to find themselves” or “they’re not in love
anymore.” God’s love for us clearly reveals that love is always a choice.
Infatuation is a feeling. And sadly, many who don’t go through the process of
divorce, are still emotionally divorced, living separate lives. They don’t have
the fulfilling, Christ-honoring marriage that God designed and desires us to
have.
Can I share a simple yet
difficult behavioral decision that will add zest and fulfillment to your
marriage? It’s very biblical. If you choose to do this, it will honor God and
bring His blessing on your life. It will also radically change you and your attitude
toward your spouse. It’s gratitude!
You know you better than
anyone else. Please look in the mirror, not just at the external stuff…but at
your heart. Who you really are is not exactly a prized possession but God chose
to love you. And you can choose to love your spouse. One thing that will
dramatically help you is every day, think of something about them that you’re
thankful for. Go another step and you’ll get even more bang for your buck –
tell them. Even better write them a note, thanking them. That’s what
Philippians 4:8 teaches: “If there be any
virtue, any praise…any good….think on these things.” About 99.999% of the
time, the best way to have a fulfilling marriage is to work on the one that you
already have.
Even popular musicians get
it. That’s powerfully illustrated by Rupert Holmes hit of the early 80’s, Escape. The song tells of a man who’s bored with
his current relationship because it’s become routine and he desires some
variety. One night, he reads the personal ads and spots an ad that catches his
attention: a woman who is seeking a man who, among other little things, must
like Pina Coladas. Intrigued, he writes back and arranges to meet her, only to
find upon meeting her that the woman is actually his wife. The song ends on an
upbeat note, showing that these lovers realized they have more in common than
they’d suspected. They don’t have to look any further than each other for what
they seek in a relationship.
Sadly,
Jack Nicholson is still looking and probably won’t ever find real love. But if
you’re married, don’t settle for a mediocre marriage. By God’s grace and the
Spirit’s power, invest the time, do the hard work in your marriage, and be who
God wants you to be whether your spouse is who they should be or not. God will
always bless that and the fulfillment that you have in your soul will make it
well worth it!
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