Never Bad Mouth Your Spouse

 

“Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but words will break our hearts.” Robert Fulghum

 

When I see this, it grieves me…the harsh way some married couples talk to each other. Best-selling author, Shaunti Feldhahn, shares this experience:
  I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate we’re going to miss the show with the kids.” Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.” “Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”

  Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing — not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone. I found myself thinking, “Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?” Later when I finished a major research study to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement part wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
  Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but this year instead of going on a big date, buying flowers or some special gift – do something that can transform your marriage – Change how you talk to your spouse!
  The Bible says a lot about how we talk. It’s amazing how our conversation with our spouse changes if someone is present that we’d be embarrassed if they heard our normal conversations. Too many of us, after we’ve been married a few years, fall into destructive ruts of how we talk to each other. “To love and cherish” is a lifetime commitment. We used to talk kindly when we were dating, but we’ve forgotten – and it costs us.
  Someone is probably reading this thinking, “I talk to them the way that they talk to me” or “I’ll change, if they change.” But God holds each of us accountable for ourselves. The vital questions are: Who does God want me to be in this marriage? Am I pleasing the One who died for me? Would you talk that way if you knew that Jesus was listening…because He is.
  Kindness in the way we talk is an overflow of a heart of love that seeks the good of the other. Too many marriages sound like a comic sitcom. Many speak nicer to their pet. Please know that I’m a fellow-sinner here. I’m ashamed of how I’ve spoken to Jane at times and am so thankful that God is the God of grace and forgiveness. Let me share some negatives and positives on marital communication.   
  Never use derogatory names. When I was a child, if I said certain words my mother would wash my mouth out with soap. Obscene names for your spouse are evil. So, are derogatory terms like stupid, dummy or idiot. She’s not your “old lady” and he’s not your “old man.”
  Kill the Sarcasm. If you want to improve your marriage, kill sarcasm. Sarcasm is hostility disguised as humor. Despite smiling outwardly, the victim of sarcastic comments feels put down. The origin of the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” Its why sarcasm is often preceded by the word “cutting.” Sarcasm cuts and hurts.
  Watch your tone, volume and speed of your words. Kindness has a tone. Cruelty and harshness also have one, a bad one. Have you ever noticed that angry people are usually loud? Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Then, slow it down. Listen to lovers talking. They speak very carefully and slowly with each other. It’s hard to speak lovingly when your words are coming out rapid fire like a machine gun. So, how should we talk to our spouse?
   Listen first. James 1:19 says, “let every person be quick to hear.” Most of us need to learn to truly listen. Often one spouse talks or processes slower than the other and their mate grows impatient. So, never finish someone else’s sentence. Listen to understand, not to think about what you’re going to say next. Understanding requires the same definitions. For example, when Jane and I were first married, vacation meant something totally different to each of us. Jane’s family often went camping. I hate camping. For me, roughing it was going to a hotel and the hot water didn’t work.  

  Speak relationally. Many couples think they communicate but they only share information, like who’s picking up the kids or what they need from the store…and then frequently by text. In a relational conversation we share our heart. We share wants, dreams, hurts, fears, likes, and dislikes. We’re safe with each other and those conversations can bring insight and even healing. Oftentimes we’ve been beaten up by this world. It’s our mate who can share God’s grace when we’re hurting. As Jack Miller said, “God’s grace flows downhill to the low places, not uphill to the put-together places.” And shouldn’t the number one person that you’re praying for be your spouse? Do you ever ask them, “How can I pray for you?”
  Listen for the nonverbal cues. This takes time. You can tell when a couple has been married a few years and are still in love. They can hear each other’s unspoken words. A look, a facial expression, even a small sigh can speak volumes. Lovers hear the unspoken words.
  Have your own language. Jane and I have words that are associated with funny memories that just the word will either bring a smile or a burst of laughter. She’s the only one who calls me “Honey.” Sometimes a waitress will call me as a customer, “Honey.” For me that’s a special word. It just doesn’t fit when anyone else besides Jane calls me that.
  Healthy marital communication won’t just happen. It takes work. It takes God’s love and grace flowing through us but it’s so worth it!

Can we help you spiritually? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

 

 

"I Think You're Going to Need a Better Dictionary."

 

“The worst thing one can do with words is to surrender them.” George Orwell 

  When Lewis Carroll’s Alice goes Through the Looking-Glass, she finds a world turned upside down, especially in regard to words. Trying to have a sensible conversation only makes her head hurt. Nowhere is this more apparent than in her meeting with Humpty Dumpty, who takes nothing she says at face value and loves a good argument: “There’s glory for you!” 

  “But ‘glory’ doesn’t mean a ‘nice knock-down argument,’” Alice objected.

  “When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.”

  “The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”

  “The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master—that’s all.”

   “When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean…” Apparently, someone needs to get the memo to Steven Spielberg and the Discovery Channel that Jaws and Shark Week have been filleted. Two Australian states — Queensland and New South Wales — have softened their tone when it comes to the language of reporting shark attacks. From now on, sharks will “bite,” not “attack,” and when humans have a less-than-ideal meeting with them, even if they end up fish food, it’s now to be referred to as an “encounter” or an “incident.” Changing the meaning of a word doesn’t take its “bite away,” especially if you’re the one attacked. 

  Contemporary culture attempts to reshape and remold words as if they’re Play-Doh. They’re not. The Bible is a book made up of words – words that have a clear meaning. 

  Some years ago I had a conversation with a man about truth. My friend related that there was no such thing as truth and so the words in the Bible could have virtually any meaning. I replied that words have meaning. To which he responded, “Orange may be orange to you but it could be purple to me.” Yet even the biggest skeptic looks both ways when they cross a busy street. Words have meaning and you may redefine a speeding car but when you end up as a hood ornament, it won’t matter.

   Over the course of the last year, we’ve been inundated with “Trust the Science.” It’s ironic that many of the same “trust the science” advocates tell us that we’re on the wrong side of history to refer to pregnant women. The Atlantic recently had an article “The Culture War Over ‘Pregnant People’.” Even the ACLU is willing to sacrifice their own. A few weeks ago they altered the wording of a Ruth Bader Ginsberg quote to include gender-neutral pronouns. On the first anniversary of the Supreme Court Justice’s death, they tweeted: “The decision whether or not to bear a child is central to a [person’s] life, to [their] well-being and dignity ... When the government controls that decision for [people], [they are] being treated as less than a fully adult human responsible for [their] own choices.”

  Uhm, ACLU, trust the science. People don’t have abortions, women do. People don’t have babies, women do. Even someone as progressive as Ruth Bader Ginsberg knew that. This isn’t science, it’s sociology and insanity. FYI: It’s not “reproductive rights” when life is terminated not produced.

  None of this is new. Other societies drunk on their own self-importance and intellectual insanity attempted to alter the meaning of words. They failed. The French Revolution attempted to wipe out gender distinctions with the genderless term “citizen.” Incidentally, they also failed when they attempted to change a seven-day week to a ten-day one. The Communists attempted it by calling everyone the genderless “comrade.” 

  Because of a dictionary that is reputedly fluid, many today are skeptical of anyone’s claims to know the Truth. Some want to abandon the hunt for truth altogether, declaring a universal cease-fire on all truth claims. But can we really live without truth? Philosopher Roger Scruton rightly argues, “All discourse and dialogue depend upon the concept of truth. To agree with another is to accept the truth of what he says; to disagree is to reject it.” In other words, we can’t even talk to each other without a foundation of truth. Truth can’t be true if it’s true for you but not true for me. That makes words and communication an impossibility.

  Christians must be committed to clear definitions of words and truth. John 1:1, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” God is the Creator of words and gave them meaning. We must not surrender to cultural pressure or shaming. When we do, we lose our voice in the culture and dishonor the God of truth. Yet, there will be growing pressure along with the threat of being canceled.

  We must not alter words to be more acceptable. Even some Christians rightfully appalled at the horrors of racism declare that it’s only correct to say that “Black lives matter” and they do. Scripture though is our standard, not the values of the day. God had to rebuke the early church that had bought into only “Jewish lives matter.” Read the New Testament. It’s clear that “all lives matter” because Jesus died for all people. To discriminate or be prejudiced toward someone because of their ethnicity, disabilities or economic status is sin. It’s a falsehood to suggest, as some in the heat of the cultural disarray have, that “white people can never call black people racist.” Racism is evil whether it comes from the heart and lips of a white person, black person, Asian, Hispanic, etc. It may make good press but the glossing over of evil won’t stand before the throne of King Jesus.

  Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride had wise words for our culture and today’s Christian, “You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.” God is the Creator of life and language. What He says it means, it means…and that my friend is the final word!

 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address. 

I lost my phone but it's okay

“Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.”   Doug Larson

I’m not sure when Doug Larson wrote that. I am sure that when he did he never pictured our day when nearly everyone has their own personal phone that they carry with them in their pocket or purse. 90% of Americans own a cell phone. The average age when you now receive your first cell phone has dropped to 12 or 13. 67% of cell owners check their phone for messages, alerts, or calls — even when they don’t notice their phone ringing or vibrating. 44% have slept with their phone next to their bed because they wanted to make sure they didn’t miss any calls, text messages, or other updates during the night. And 29% of cell phone owners describe their cell phone as “something they can’t imagine living without.”

Recently, I’ve entered a brand new phase in my phone history. For the first time in my life, there is no landline in our home. Jane and I found that the vast majority of those who called our landline were telemarketers or robo-calls around election time. They were calls that we decided that we didn’t need. While it’s not a huge savings to be landline free, it adds up.  

I think we’re through the withdrawals, though I may still have to join a 12-step group. The morning after we pulled the plug, I was wondering if we’d made a mistake. I was attempting to call home about a timely matter, but couldn’t connect with anyone via their cell phones. I was ready to drive back home, when Jane got my message and returned my call.  

When I was a child, our home had two separate phone lines – one for the house and then a business line that was rarely used. They were both rotary phones (some of you may need to Google that). This was eons before call waiting or automatic redial. As I kid, I found having two lines handy for winning radio contests (“The winner will be caller number 8”). It increased my odds dramatically.

My favorite phone though was a party line. When my grandparents finally got a phone, I think my Dad may have even paid for it, it was a party line that they shared with someone else. I absolutely loved calling my Grandmother! I can still hear her voice echoing down the corridors of my memory though she’s been gone for over three decades. I don’t remember MaMa ever saying an unkind word to anyone. When I’d call, though it was difficult for her to walk to the phone, I was the most important person in the world. God used her to touch my life so many times.

January 29th was the one year anniversary of the loss of my brother, Mike. I miss talking to him on the phone. I can still hear his big voice and laugh. Mike was a night owl. Sometimes when I’d be driving home late or when we were driving through the night toward a vacation destination, I’d call Mike. I might have been starting to nod off; talking to Mike would jolt me back into alertness. He never minded the call. I can’t remember him ever telling me it was a bad time to call.

One of those drive through the nights brings back one of my favorite memories of Dad Cummins. Dad loved to use the phone. Because we were driving from Wisconsin to Alabama, and going to arrive in the middle of the night at his home, he had a hard time sleeping. Periodically, he’d call to check on our status. Dad Cummins faithfully used his phone as a ministry tool, probably better that anyone else I know. He was often on the road during his later years and had a list of folk that he’d call, many of them elderly and shut-ins. He’d call to touch base, just to encourage and minister to them. It was his “phone ministry.” He was truly one of a kind!

Probably, my children have taught me the most about using a phone wisely. If I was irritated or upset with them, I might leave them a voice mail on their cell, expressing my displeasure. I learned very quickly that it would weigh very heavily on them and ruin their day. The Lord used them to break me of that. To hear the hurt in their voice as we problem-solved it later, was too much for me to bear. I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially those that I love so much.

This past week, I was reading Colossians in my time with the Lord. I love Colossians 4:6. Most of us should memorize it. Maybe it should be taped on the keypad of our phones. I’m not big on tattoos, yet this would be a great verse to have tattooed on the back of your hand or someplace else where you’d continually see it, where it would be a constant reminder of how to have godly speech: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Think how many verbal wounds you wouldn’t leave on others, if you followed the prescription. Think how many fights you wouldn’t have with your spouse or how many harsh things you wouldn’t say to your children if that verse was a bridle on your tongue.

Yet, think of how encouraging your words would be, if they were consistently gracious. Salt adds taste, yet it’s to be sprinkled, not poured. Personally, I find that when my words come “pouring” out, they have more potential of being sinful. If you’re like me, there are very few times when I regret things that I didn’t say.

There are folk that I love to talk to. Some of them are here at Grace. They’re consistently encouraging and affirming. Rarely, do they criticize or complain. If they do, they weigh their words. It tends to be constructive and edifying. My conversations with them seem to end too quickly. They refresh my soul.

I want to be like that, don’t you? I want God to so use my words that when I’m done talking, people leave refreshed, encouraged, perhaps even challenged. I want to be used of God to lighten loads, not increase burdens.

That means that I need to unplug my old flesh and let the Spirit control what comes out of my mouth. He wants to do that, yet I must first choose to surrender the control to Him. Colossians 4:6 gives a whole new wonderful meaning to salty speech, doesn’t it?