Food, Family and Lighting a Candle

 “A family can be the bane of one's existence. A family can also be most of the meaning of one's existence. I don't know whether my family is bane or meaning, but they have surely gone away and left a large hole in my heart.”  Keri Hulme

   Prior to reading most books, I read the book reviews. Because I love to cook and experiment with new recipes, I was intrigued by a book review in the July 17, 2021 issue of “World Magazine” about Life From Scratch by Sasha Martin. Over the course of 195 weeks, food writer and blogger, Sasha Martin set out to cook—and eat—a meal from every country in the world. As cooking unlocked the memories of her rough-and-tumble childhood and the loss and heartbreak that came with it, she became determined to find peace and elevate her life through the prism of food and world cultures. Sasha had a very hard early life. She never met her father who’d abandoned the family. Her mother lost custody of her two children, and Sasha and her brother ended up in a foster family. Her brother committed suicide. Sasha lived with the foster family in Europe, acted out, and moved back to the United States. She graduated college and attended cooking school. An internship brought her to Tulsa, Oklahoma where she fell in love and embarked on a project: cooking a meal from every country in the world. The project led to this engaging memoir with recipes. In it, she depicts the joy and chaos of her early life, shows the power of food to break down barriers, arouse an appetite for adventure, cultivate community, and work to piece together a fractured family. 

  Though witty, warm, and poignant, Sasha Martin’s memoir about cooking her way to healing, it was sad to read of a child experiencing so much family pain. What’s most heartbreaking is that her family history is becoming more and more the present norm in American life. 

  Today some 16 million children live with their single mothers. Another three million live with their single fathers. 25% of children under 18 live with single moms; 4% were living with single dads. 1300 new stepfamilies are formed each day. 40% of families in the U.S. are blended with at least one partner having a child from a previous relationship before marriage. 

  Today 53% of U.S. adults ages 18 and older are married, down from 58% in 1995. Over the same period, the share of Americans cohabiting has risen from 3% to 7%. Taken together, six-in-ten Americans are either married or living with a partner. Frequently underage children are in those homes  

  About 1 in 8 children (8.7 million) aged 17 or younger live in a household with at least one parent with a substance use disorder, the recurrent use of alcohol or other drugs or both, that results in significant impairment. 

  The cost and deep pain of a lack of stable home and emotional stability on children is very high. The ramifications can last a lifetime.

  Birthdays are times of reflection for me (today is mine). When I was 10. my mother was killed in a car accident and I was raised by a single Dad, who though financially successful, was a prescription drug addict. The truths of Psalms 18:30, “As for God, His way is perfect” and Joseph’s words to his murderous yet now repentant brothers are still true, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” (Gen. 50:20). But I carry my scars as many of you also do.

  One of my favorite quotes is, “It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” Methodist pastor, William L. Watkinson in a sermon titled “The Invincible Strategy” made that powerful statement. His sermon was later reprinted in a periodical called “China’s Millions” to challenge Christians about the great need for missions in China.

  The “millions” today are all around us but they’re not just in China. They live next door, work beside you or even sit near you in church. The fragmentation of the family carries a high price. It’s why many see a therapist or are on medication for emotional issues. The lack of family stability often has long-lasting pain. What can we do?

  First, we need to be biblically honest about our own family history and the baggage that comes with it. Often what is our “normal,” isn’t. When I lived with Dad and Mom Cummins in my early twenties, I was shocked to learn that they didn’t fight all of the time (I only remember a handful of disagreements). They actually problem-solved and dearly loved each other.

  Christmas was one of my bigger shocks. Every Christmas growing up, my Dad lost his temper with my Mom and she’d end up in her bedroom crying. It was my “normal.” To actually have a “Merry Christmas” was a bit like being transported to Mars for me.

  Many of us carry harmful relational baggage and don’t know it. We need godly friends to come alongside us, be honest with us, and help us. We need the truth of God’s Word to come into our hearts and work its way inside out so we become more like Jesus, who is the standard of normal.

  Second, we must have more grace and patience with each other. We need to walk a mile in their shoes. That simply means trying to consider and understand the other person’s perspectives, experiences or even family history before making judgments about them. Often we’re so self-focused, we neglect to take the time to understand where others are coming from. We need believers that take seriously Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

  Third, we need more spiritually mature Christians to disciple and mentor younger ones. None of us are perfect, so please don’t wait until you’ve “arrived.” In our church family, we have young couples and parents who could use the prayer, encouragement, and support of those who’ve already traveled their road. They don’t need scolding over inconsequential concerns. Many of them just need to know that someone has their back, is praying for them and encouraging them.

  While we can’t change the world, we can make a difference in ours. It’s what God has called us to do! It’s time to light some candles. It’s an opportunity to make a generational difference by assisting younger believers to dine on the fruit of the Spirit in their marriages and families. 

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.