Thriving through the Teen Years

“Teenager: Someone who is ready for a zombie apocalypse 

but not ready for the math test tomorrow.”

God’s goal for Christian parents in raising their children is for them to be godly adults who love Jesus and desire to live for Him. It’s never been easy and the moral decay of our culture further complicates things.

  Our children are sinners, like us, whose hearts must be transformed by the Holy Spirit. As parents, pastors, teachers and mentors, we must seek to be God’s instruments in this process. While we pray, instruct and model what it means to live for eternity, we must also prepare them to live in this temporal world. The two aren’t disconnected: academic, professional, and relational success flows primarily from character and maturity. As Christians, we know that character flows from a God-centered heart. We’re not saved by good works, yet we’re saved for them (Eph. 2:8-10).

  Many parents try to survive the teen years, when God wants us to thrive. Because they get push back, they capitulate – too often on what really matters – the spiritual. It’s a tragic and repeated pattern that after four decades of ministry I’ve seen far too many times.

  While parents won’t surrender on school or household chores, they let their teen choose when it comes to the spiritual. Over the years it’s been heartbreaking as a pastor to watch parents who are complacent on spiritual matters, like attending church or youth group. Later, when their adult child goes off the rails, they can’t figure out what happened, or worse, somehow it was the church’s fault. Here are some things to consider when parenting a teen.

  Be the parent. It seems obvious, unfortunately it’s not. During the parenting years, your teen doesn’t need a buddy – he/she needs a parent. Most of us have observed in the workplace an ineffective manager who tried to be everyone’s friend. God expects you to draw the lines of safe boundaries. Teens need parents who ask questions and periodically say, “No” (yet, with a good reason). None of us like conflict or having others unhappy with us, particularly our children. Being a responsible parent means that you must do the right thing even if it makes your child unhappy. And mature parents don’t whine. Sure, it’s tough. Yes, with immaturity, your teen may say horrible things to you. You’re the adult – please act like it.

  Chose to love and serve the Lord. Parenting is our best opportunity to model our Heavenly Father. God chose to love us. Sometimes we must choose to love our teen. We’ll need to ask for God’s grace and His love to flow through us, particularly when they act unlovable. The more you’re aware of how undeserving you are of God’s love and in turn love and appreciate Him, the easier it will be to love your teen.

  So, be honest with God and your own heart. What do you truly love? Look at the people, activities and things you’re attached to. Look at sacrifices you make to see those people, do those activities or use those things. That’s what you love. Teens see our priorities and where our love is directed. God’s love helps us counteract natural, sinful selfishness. Teens learn God’s love through the sacrificial commitments we make for them.

  Be intentional. This means talking about and living out biblical values and priorities. All of us are tired, overworked and distracted. It’s easy to be passive and let the media, peers, school and other influences set our family’s priorities. A biblical worldview is to be a continual conversation. Deuteronomy 6:7 says of God’s law, “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” We don’t cram it down their throats. That results in rejection and rebellion. It needs to be a part of daily life. It’s one reason the family dinner time is important. It’s an opportunity to interact with your teens.

  Be adaptable. Raising a godly teen is like driving in rush hour traffic, you must adapt. Being formulaic sounds good, but will end up in a dead stop. As someone wisely said, “rules without reason equal rebellion.”

  Unless there’s a biblical command at stake, be flexible. Scripture says very little about parenting. There’s no right time for your teen to get up, go to bed, to have or not have a phone. Choose your battles wisely. It’s much more valuable biblically that your teen obeys and is respectful to you than if they make good grades, are a star athlete or clean their room. We need to be adaptable and teach them adaptability. Stress comes with rigidity. Peace counteracts stress. It comes from trusting that God is in control even in the flow of life. Flexibility is grown in difficulty, allowing a family to walk through hardships and joys together, as we grow deeper in our faith.

  Be grateful. Gratitude is a cultivated habit and essential to healthy relationships. While you’re raising children, God is maturing you. He’s given you the children, strengths and weaknesses in them, that you need to help you mature spiritually. Gratitude isn’t some polite response to good things. It comes from thanking the Lord for even the irritations and hurts, knowing that He has a bigger plan for all of us than we often see. Gratitude to God and your teen needs to be expressed regularly and in deliberate ways. It helps us grow a healthier soul and helps our teens learn to see all the good God does in our lives.

  Practice confession, grace and forgiveness. God’s grace is shocking! We can’t experience it without first confessing our failures. Because you’re a sinner, you blow it…a lot. Confess it to God and confess it to your children. As God forgave us while we were still sinners, He shows grace to imperfect people. We’re teaching our children what it means to have a healthy relationship with God and with others. Pride destroys relationships. We must learn to be humble ourselves before God and our children. In so doing, we prepare them for a healthy relationship with a Heavenly Father.  

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.