and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” Martin Luther
What’s your resource for having a healthy marriage?
What’s your source for marital wisdom? I’ll never understand why the crowd with
the worst record when it comes to marital fulfillment is our most trusted
resource.
Most of what we believe about love, marriage and
sex comes from Hollywood and romance movies. We forget that they’re acting. The
actors and actresses rarely have the love in their own lives that they act out
on the screen, yet we trust the ones who know so little about it. It’s like
asking President Trump for advice on exercising self-control on social media.
A healthy marriage requires trust. All
the flowers, gifts, romantic escapes, or sexual intimacy can’t overcome a lack
of trust. Honesty is essential for a healthy marriage. The very first person I
must be brutally honest about is ME. Finger pointing and fault finding about my
spouse is like a terrorist bomb for a marriage. Instead, I must look in the
mirror of God’s Word, submit to the Spirit and seek godly counsel about the
sinner in me that contaminates my marriage. Most couples, if they see a
marriage counselor, hope the therapist will take their side and fix their
spouse. They’re wasting their money. The only one I have control over is me.
And my sins are not little. They’re big. My
sin is horrific enough to require Jesus’ death to pay for it. God’s grace has
power to overcome my sin and that same grace is available to fight sin that is poisoning
my marriage. As God loves me in spite of my mess, I’ve been given the
opportunity to love and forgive my spouse as I have been forgiven.
Ephesians 4:15 commands us to “speak the truth in love.” Marital
success begins with me being honest about me, then forgiving my spouse’s sins.
A healthy marriage requires practicing problem-solving
skills. “Be angry and do not sin;
do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Most people lack
problem-solving skills. It’s why there’s rampant divorce or why though there may
not be a divorce, the marriage is little more than a shell. It’s why people quit
jobs, break friendships or leave churches. Much of it goes back to maturity. Immature
children stomp out, slam doors, take their toys and go home. Adults calmly
confront issues and seek to bring them to a resolution.
Most of us fight like our parents did. Yet,
when you became a Christian, you received a new Father. We’re going to disagree
and fight. There is no rational for a Christian to become angry and fight in a
sinful way…and we must clean it up. Often it’s left unresolved and merely buried.
Like lava beneath the earth’s surface, the heat is still there and will
eventually erupt.
A healthy marriage requires encouragement
and continual positive affirmation. “A
wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain” (Proverbs 19:13).
King Solomon wrote those words. As he had 1000 wives and concubines, his
perspective would be that this is a feminine problem. It’s not. Some of the
pettiest, most negative individuals you’ll meet are men. It’s more fun to have
a root canal than to hang around them. Most of those who are negative don’t
even realize it. They may rationalize that they’re realists or only trying to
help. Sadly, some of the pettiest individuals are believers. But when they are
negative, they’re disobeying Scripture. Philippians 4:8 commands us, “whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.” Add to that, it’s impossible to build from
weakness. You build from strength.
If most couples were honest and you asked
them to give a percentage of what really bothers them about their spouse, it’d
be less than 10%. But what do they focus on, what do they talk to their mate
about – that silly 10%. Do you want a fulfilling marriage, then focus and talk
about that 90%, that same 90% that probably attracted you to them in the first
place?
I’ve observed this far too many times. A
couple has had fairly minimal problems that they’ve allowed to become huge to
them. Something tragic happens and those harsh thoughts and words can never be
retrieved. There is great regret for them but it’s too late. So if your spouse died
tomorrow, would all that petty stuff that’s got you all wound up today really matter?
Are those the last words you want to say to them? Because you never know when
your last day together will be.
A healthy marriage requires kindness and
thoughtfulness. The validity of our Christianity is best demonstrated
in our relationships, particularly with our spouse and children. It’s also the
greatest evidence of the fruit the Spirit is producing in our life. It’s where
we show the authenticity of spiritual growth. No relationship reveals this more
than the marriage relationship. Our tendency is to demonstrate kindness as we’d
like to have it expressed to us. True kindness though is expressing it in the
way that’s most meaningful to my spouse. For example, some people love
affirmation while others want time. Study your spouse and give them the gift of
kindness most meaningful to them, not what should be meaningful to them…or is
meaningful to you. Giving your spouse the wrong kind of kindness is like giving
a jazz lover a Phish album. It just doesn’t work.
Our world longs for authentic love. Marriage
demands love, commitment and perseverance. We have something a lost world
doesn’t have to enable us to have a healthy marriage, God’s Word and His grace.
Is your marriage a testimony to a lost world that God’s Word, His love and
grace are real?
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