Are you listening?

 “An appreciative listener is always stimulating.” Agatha Christie

 

Punch, a British weekly magazine of humor and satire published a spurious conversation between British author, Oscar Wilde and American artist, James McNeill Whistler. Not to be outdone by a satirical magazine the article prompted this barrage of telegrams between the two famous men.

  Wilde: “Punch too ridiculous. When you and I are together we talk about anything except ourselves.”

  Whister: “No, no, Oscar, you forget. When you and I are together, we never talk about anything except me.”

  Wilde: “It is true, Jimmy, we were talking about you, but I was thinking about myself.”

  No wonder James 1:19 insightfully commands us, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak…” Listening, not talking, is the most vital part of communicating. If you truly listen, you’ll begin to deeply understand what the other person is saying. You build the foundation for an intelligent, meaningful conversation and a true relationship. Yet, when you listen superficially, it opens the door for miscommunications and shallow discussions, one very likely to frustrate both the one speaking and the one hearing. You leave the one speaking feeling misunderstood and alone. No wonder the Bible continually encourages us to listen more and talk less. “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Proverbs 9:10).

  Though the Lord Jesus had more to say and far wiser words than any other person who has ever walked this earth, He was also an avid listener. Often we’re so focused on the words of Jesus, we overlook how attune He was and that He was actively listening. Take a moment and read chapters 3 and 4 of John’s Gospel. In John 3 Jesus converses with a wealthy and well-educated theologian, Nicodemus. In John 4 He converses with a poor, immoral woman, the woman at the well. Though what Jesus says is so striking. His intent, gentle and kind listening must not be overlooked.

  If we want others to listen to us, we must first learn to listen to them. Others tend to listen when they feel valued and listened to. They try to understand when they feel understood. Our Savior was a master in making people feel listened to, understood, cared for, and affirmed. Jesus was a great communicator because He was a great listener. And if you and I are going to be Jesus in this world, we must learn to be good listeners. As we page through the four Gospels we find some key traits of Jesus’ listening skills that as His followers we must emulate.

  Jesus asked questions. Throughout His ministry, Jesus asked questions, often very tough questions, as a means of opening the door to communicating truth. When our children were young when meeting someone new, we taught them to ask vital questions: Who, What, Where, How, and Why? Most people want to share their stories and are eager for someone to listen.

  Who? Who are you? What’s your name? What do you prefer to be called? How do you pronounce your name? Are you named after anyone?

  What? What do you do for a living? What are your interests/hobbies? What do you do in your spare time? What’s your background and history?

  Where? Where do you live? Where are you from? Where have you been? Where is the most exciting, interesting place you have been?

  Why? Why do you work where you work? What got you interested in that? Why did you attend that school? Why do you like that sport/hobby?

  Everyone we meet has a story. Knowing their story helps us better communicate the most important Story to them. A friend truly listens. If we’re going to befriend people, we must first learn to truly listen.

  Jesus was never rushed. Jesus models for us many things in growing in our listening skills. This one hones in on our core problem on why we’re often such poor listeners – Jesus was never in a hurry. There was never a bad time to talk to Him. No matter what was going on, He made time to listen. He was never too busy. He never rushed a conversation to score favorite points, or to get to what He really wanted to talk about. He was patient and communicated that He cared while building rapport.

  Jesus listened with respect. A good listener recognizes how important it is to communicate that what the one speaking has to share is valuable. When you show respect for the ideas and thoughts of others, they’re much more likely to respond respectfully to yours. They’re also more likely to continue to communicate honestly with you. Being a respectful listener involves drawing out important key thoughts and information. This can help to uncover feelings and needs that are unclear. By using statements such as, “Tell me more,” or, “That sounds important,” you let the other person know that you’re fully engaged in the listening process. Jesus didn’t arrogantly shame people or make them feel ignorant or stupid.

  Jesus listened with empathy. Empathy is the capacity to share and understand the experiences and feelings of someone else. Empathetic listening involves listening and responding to another person in such a way that you grow and improve mutual understanding and trust. It’s the ability to fully understand another person with all their feelings, thoughts, and opinions. When someone needs empathy and understanding, it’s very frustrating to talk to someone who doesn’t engage with them or who only offers fix-it advice. As you seek to listen with empathy, learn to listen for what’s not being said, for what’s missing, for what’s needed right now, and what’s important to the speaker?

  The need to listen well and communicate touches every area of our lives. All that we do requires communication with others. In our early years of life, we learn to speak. It’s an essential developmental and a sign that a child is developing normally. Active listening is a vital skill that our Lord modeled and that His followers must learn. Failing to listen can result in a communication disaster. Disagreements, frustration, and discouragement are frequently an outcome of being self-oriented and failing to really listen.

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.