When helping isn't...

“Enabling is a way of helping a person that feeds the dysfunction. Helping is being there in a way that does not support the dysfunction.”  Dr. Noelle Nelson

  

  Sometimes being kind, just isn’t…You may have heard the recent news story of some visitors at Yellowstone National Park. On May 9^th, these well-meaning visitors encountered a bison calf. According to witnesses, they thought the calf was “cold,” so they put it in the back of their SUV, and then drove it to a nearby park facility.

  According to the park service, regulations require visitors to maintain a distance of least 25 yards from all wildlife, including bison, elk and deer, and at least 100 yards from bears and wolves. The National Park Service stated, too, moving the calf was “a dangerous activity.” Adult animals are very protective of their young and act aggressively to defend them. They also noted interference can cause the mother bison to reject her offspring.

  When rangers tried to reunite the calf with its mother, it was ostracized by its herd. Later, because the calf was found wandering among visitors’ cars, making it a danger to itself and others, the park service decided to euthanize it after its own herd refused to accept it back. A statement posted on the park service website stated: “Approaching wild animals can drastically affect their well-being and, in this case, their survival…The safety of these animals, as well as human safety, depends on everyone using good judgment.”

  As believers, it can be difficult for us to watch someone, particularly those we love, suffer…so we interfere. Yet, we forget God is sovereign. Suffering, trials, or pain are not accidental. A loving God is in control of the fire with His sovereign hand on the gauge controlling the temperature.  

  On May 29^th, it will be 46 years since the Lord took my Mom Home. One of her best friends, along with her husband, prayed about taking me into their home to rescue me from my prescription drug addicted father (they’d previously taken in many missionary kids over the years). But God did not give them peace to proceed. I am so thankful they didn’t. Yes, it would have made my life much easier but God would have not been able to prune, mold and shape me as He has, if my formative years had been less difficult.
  As the youngest of five children and with my father’s issues, my Mom was sheltering me and spoiling me. She was very well intentioned, yet, I believe if it had continued, I might have had great difficulty ever coming into a healthy adulthood. Yes, it has brought some burdens in my life which I’ve had to work through, including Who God really is and what my relationship with Him is. But, I would not trade my past for anything. I live in the reality of my Mom’s life verse, “As for God, His way is perfect” (Psalm 18:30). My life verse from the book of Job echoes a similar truth, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him” (Job 13:15).

  Please do not conclude I have my life all together or think in any way that I do. I don’t. I struggle on this spiritual journey just like everyone else. My greatest obstacle is often trusting God. I sometimes wonder if I doubt more than I trust. Yet, I do not believe I would be as far along as I am in my walk with the Lord, if I had not first gone through some fiery trials.  

  Some years back Jane and I had a very serious discussion about the future of our children. If you know Jane, you probably know one of her greatest gifts is kindness. If Jane struggles with anything, it’s being too kind. As a result, I felt she was helping our three children too much. I asked her, “What if something happened to us? Would they be ready for life…for a healthy adulthood?” I firmly believe, after a godly inheritance, the best gifts we can give our children are roots and wings.

  But it’s very difficult for a parent to watch their child “suffer.” Yet, in suffering, character and maturity are developed. For example, a parent should never talk to their child’s employer. If they’re old enough to hold a job, they’re old enough to problem-solve for themselves. It’s best when children move into the teen years, to not intervene on their behalf with teachers or coaches. Sure, they’re going to be bruised and battered a bit, yet that’s how you grow and mature.

  Tragically, I know of parents who when their child gets in legal trouble, they bail them out, often over and over again. The same happens with finances. You may know an adult in their forties or fifties who’s still financially dependent on their parents. Wow! Talk about being kept an emotional and fiscal invalid. Obviously, each case is different. The normal pattern though is for those in adulthood to take on adult responsibilities. The transition to that begins in those interim years of adolescence.

  This lack of facing consequences and responsibility is a major source of the perpetual immaturity in our society. It’s morally wrong and foolish for our government to rescue those who refuse to take responsibility for themselves. Sadly, the Great Society has resulted in generational dependency and perpetual adolescence. Scripture commands tough love. Check it out for yourself. “For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10).

  “Scott, are you saying we should let people go hungry?” No, the Bible says that, not me. Please understand there is also a world of difference between working poor and idle poor. We must always be gracious and generous to the disenfranchised, i.e. children, the disabled, widows, etc. Yet, we are being cruel when we enable people who could take care of themselves in the name of “kindness.” It’s unkind and we’re sentencing them to dependence and perpetual adolescence.

  One of my favorite quotes is from an old Southern Baptist evangelist, Vance Havner, “If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home.” He was right.

  Sadly, we have become a culture of emotional adolescents, screaming for our rights. We give others control over us when we fail to take personal responsibility for our own well-being. The clear biblical pattern is responsibility precedes rights. Oftentimes saying, “No” and not rescuing someone is the kindest act you can do for them and it’s supremely biblical. 

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