When you love your child too much?

“Stay away from the ones who love too much.

Those are the ones who will kill you.” Donna Tartt

There’s a story from Greek mythology of a mother and son who love each other so much that they’re never apart. They live in the forest and rarely go out, except to the market. One day the son goes off alone and happens to meet a young lady. He falls in love with her but she’s a very jealous person, and demands that the young man love her unconditionally. The son is torn between his love for her and his love for his mother. His lover finally demands, “If you truly love me, you’ll murder your mother and bring me her heart.” The thought at first is abhorrent to the young man, but ultimately he succumbs. While his mother is asleep, he kills her and cuts out her heart and puts it in a sack to bring to his lover. On the way through the forest, he trips on a rock. His mother’s heart falls out of the sack, looks up at the young man and asks, “Did you hurt yourself, my son?”  

  That horrible story illustrates an all too common reality – sometimes parents love their children too much or love them immaturely. Sometimes that love becomes idolatry where it has precedent even over love for God. Apparently, that’s why Abraham was tested (Genesis 22), to see if he loved his son, Isaac, more than he loved God. He powerfully passed that test.

  Fifty years ago, on May 29, 1970 my Mom was taken Home in a tragic car accident. She was 47; I was only ten. My Mom loved the Lord and loved her five children (I’m the youngest). As I look back, while I believe her motives were pure, she loved me too much. While my Dad was a successful businessman, he was also an abuser and prescription drug addict.

  I’m not sure if it was because I was the “baby” or to protect me from my often out of control Dad, but I was spoiled. That changed overnight after she was killed. It was a bit like being taken from America and dropped in China. Love was replaced with what was close to hatred. I could never do anything right as far as my Dad was concerned, BUT my Heavenly Father was in control. While my Mom had great intentions, God had a greater plan. It was very painful for me, yet God used the crucible of pain to burn off my many rough edges. Psalm 27:10 became an anchor for me, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.”

  Over the years I’ve observed parents who by being too “loving,” potentially hurt the future of their child. One situation stands out in my mind where the children were kept in perpetual dependence. Failure to take responsibility was excused. The children, even in early adulthood, were coddled Today both parents are gone and those now-adult children are virtually functional and social invalids.

  Look through the pages of Scripture for yourself. You will not find any person that God greatly used that did not also go through tremendous trials. Joseph, Ruth, Daniel, Esther…to name a few would never have been powerfully used by God if they’d not also suffered. No one becomes a person of character and spiritual maturity without trials and pain.

  Parents want to do the very best for our children – best food, best schools, best sports program, etc. It’s hard for a parent to watch a child suffer or go through difficulty. Yet, continually intervening and taking their emotional temperature is not best for their future and character development. As parents, we must give our children two things: roots and wings.

  As the parents of three now-adult children, it was often very difficult for Jane and me not to swoop in to do a rescue operation. One situation sticks out particularly in my mind where we encouraged our child to persevere for their own growth and good. Words can’t fully express how difficult and even nerve-wracking it was, yet we were seeking to look at the bigger picture and their future. We surrendered our child to our Heavenly Father and trusted that He was in control. Looking back, we’re so glad we did.

  One of the most majestic trees of the Midwest is the oak. It’s the combination of winter’s cold and summer’s warmth, of falling leaves in autumn and budding leaves in spring which makes the mighty oak stand in a storm that takes down many other trees in the forest. But there’s no hurrying of the development of an oak tree. They don’t even start producing acorns until they’re ten years old. It takes time. It takes rugged weather to produce a mighty oak.

  The same is true with godly, mature adult children. It takes storms to produce character. Recently, I saw someone post that during these days they so wished that all of their now-adult children were home, safe with them where they could protect them. But we can’t. Our children must learn to stand alone. Some day they will be raising our grandchildren.

  One of the great tragedies and sources of many of our social problems is that we have parents who while adults chronologically, are stuck in adolescence emotionally. The children suffer because it takes an adult to raise a child.

  Every child will face difficulty. They will fail. They will have cruel individuals come into their lives. They will suffer loss and pain. Yet, instead of attempting to “fix” everything which is impossible, we’d be wiser to help them learn to turn their hearts heavenward in those formative years. Rather than asking how they feel, a better question that will serve them into their future is: What do you believe your Heavenly Father is seeking to teach you through this?

  Too many Christian parents settle for secular standards of success. Our goal must not be to raise good adults but something much more important, godly ones. Children can behave well out of obedience or fear. That doesn’t mean they’ll do what’s best when they venture out on their own. To raise children who become godly adults, we must teach them character and allow God to develop it in their hearts…sometimes through difficulty. As Bible-believers, one of the greatest love gifts that we can give them is to model trusting our Heavenly Father and to teach them to depend on Him today so that they are prepared for tomorrow.

Can we help you spiritually? Can we help you know Jesus better? Please check out more resources on our church's web page, Gracechurchwi.org. Or, call us at 262.763.3021. If you'd like to know more about how Jesus can change your life, I'd love to mail you a copy of how Jesus changed my life in "My Story." E-mail me at Carson@gracechurchwi.org to request a free copy. Please include your mailing address.