Feeling Fatherless on Father's Day?

“It is easier for a father to have children than for children

to have a real father.”

  Do you hate having to buy an obligatory gift? What about obligatory cards? For years, one of my most difficult tasks was buying the obligatory Father’s Day card. Most cards for most occasions, I can find with very little difficulty in just moments. Every year though I’d struggle to find an appropriate, (and honest), Father’s Day card. I couldn’t send one that said you’re the greatest Father in the world or that growing up was wonderful. It wasn’t true and my Dad knew that I didn’t believe that.

  My Dad and I never did connect. Sadly, we were never close. After I left home, I’d try to call him to see how he was doing. Five minutes was a long conversation. After I left home at fifteen, in that forty year period before he died, I don’t believe that he ever called me more than five times. I’d have to initiate the phone call if it was going to happen. He never saw the high school, college or seminary I graduated from. He didn’t attend my wedding and didn’t meet Jane until several months after we’d been married.

  There was just a gap that we never seemed to be able to overcome. I’m not sure why. When I was younger, he was everything that I didn’t want to be. But then, God began to work on my heart. Even though my Dad wasn’t all I wanted him to be. Even though we never really had a relationship, I began to see how God used him in my life and even his many admirable qualities.

  There’s an overlooked verse in Matthew, where Jesus acknowledges the limitations of fathers (really all parents), “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11).

  You and I have no choice in our Dad or Mom. God not only chose where we were going to be born, He chose who we were going to be born to. We may not understand what God’s plan is BUT we know He has one and will use even what’s difficult or seems unfair for our good and His glory. Perhaps your experience is like mine. It may have been far worse. God though has taught me some valuable lessons even from a difficult father/child relationship. They’ve helped me. I hope that the Lord uses them to help you.

  Look at where they’ve come from, not just how far they need to go. I loved my grandfather (my Dad’s Dad). He was a wonderful man…to me. But he wasn’t to my Dad. When my Dad was growing up during the Depression, his father, though a hard worker, was the local drunk. On one occasion when he was intoxicated at church (of all places), he pulled a pistol on the sheriff who came to arrest him. He ended up doing time on the chain gang. He was mean, brutal and violent.

  When I was just a child, I remember visiting my Grandmother at her sister’s home, not her home where we normally went. My Grandfather was committing adultery and had moved this woman into their home. He was in his seventies when that happened. I doubt it was the first or only time. It would explain too why my Dad was so close and so protective of his mother, yet looked down with disdain on his father.

  Kids are brutal. My Dad would often mention how he’d been ridiculed as a child because they were so poor and his father was a drunk. My heart went out to him. I can’t imagine the shame that he dealt with as a child.

  Look for the good intent even behind bad behavior. With that background, my Dad didn’t know anything about marriage or parenting. Back then, a biblical worldview of marriage and family wasn’t talked about or taught…even in the Church. Because of the shame of his formative years, my Dad was obsessed with success. He wanted my four siblings and I to have it better than he’d had it, though he didn’t know how to really give us what we really needed. We had some of the best education that money could buy at the time. I attended some of the best schools in the Atlanta area and never went to a public school. My Dad felt that their education level didn’t meet the standards.

  We lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Five bedrooms back then was a huge house. My Dad was a hard worker and a shrewd businessman. He saved enough money so that he could pay cash for it. He wanted to make sure we were taken care of and didn’t have to go without, as he had.

  Seek to use the traits that you inherited or learned for godliness. My Dad never met a stranger. When I was a youngster, he was so outgoing, he’d often embarrass me. He didn’t have a shy bone in his body. He was one of those individuals who could have sold icicles to Eskimos. I’m not naturally outgoing (that surprises many people), yet I learned from him how to build bridges with people I don’t know. He modeled how to have a conversation even with a complete stranger. By God’s grace, I hope and pray that I’ve used that for the Gospel.

  Thank God for the Dad and Mom that He gave you. One of my favorite passages is Genesis 50:19-20, where Joseph, after suffering horribly at the hands of his brothers, forgave them and said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” What freedom! To know that every detail, even who my parents are, was planned by my loving Heavenly Father! And if I trust Him and submit to Him, He can even use the worst parents or family situation for His glory and my good.

  I truly have no regrets that my Dad was who he was or that I lost my mother in a car accident when I was ten. Do I miss her? Do I wish that my relationship with my Dad could have been different? Absolutely! Knowing though that my Heavenly Father who loves me beyond whatever I can ever fathom planned all of this changes my whole perspective. Rather than it being a source of regret or bitterness, it’s a sense of rest in God’s loving care…even when I don’t understand.

  My three children are now adults. I’m sure they wish that I’d done many things differently, and so do I. On my part, I need to take responsibility where I’ve sinned or blown it. Yet, I hope too that they’ll allow God to use my innumerable blunders in their lives for their good and His glory.